Newsgeeker.com news site RSS Email Alerts

Comedy


[Comedy] We out here

A statement referring to how a specific group of people are "out here" in the streets trying to make a living. Commonly used by Toronto and New York gangstas.

Gangsta 1: "I jus sold a G for 40$"
Gangsta 2: "Jheez we out here"

Published:12/16/2017 1:46:09 AM
[Comedy] @Ra_Bies I may seem like a blunt, unforgiving & unkind person but I must tell you from deep inside, I'm very cruel too Published:12/14/2017 8:35:36 PM
[Comedy] sucks mad ween

When something sucks SO MUCH. Like it VIOLENTLY SUCKS. Like when you have a pop quiz that sucks MAD WEEN and when you trip in front of the whole school that sucks MAD ween

"My Chem class sucks MAD WEEN I have no friends in it and the kid behind me smells like the dog aisle in Walmart"

Published:12/14/2017 8:35:35 PM
[Comedy] simpin

When a guy or girl are sprung on someone or something.

Damn that girl I met last night's got me simpin.

Published:12/11/2017 4:54:48 AM
[Comedy] @JohnFugelsang And on his death bed, he realized his 1 great regret in life was not spending hundreds more hours playing Candy Crush Saga. Published:12/10/2017 4:58:38 AM
[Comedy] Youse

Second Person Plural.
A grammatical necessity which is sadly lacking in the English Language.
French has "vous" (informal and formal)
and German has "ihr" (informal) and Sie (formal).

The southern USA version is "you all"

Youse are too many to all get into the one car.

Published:12/10/2017 4:58:34 AM
[Comedy] levidrome

A word that when spelled backwards, turns into a different yet valid english word. They always come in pairs, for obvious reasons. Similar to a palindrome, but with different words instead of the same.

Maps <-> spaM

Desserts <-> stresseD

desserts and stressed are a pair of Levidromes.

Published:12/9/2017 7:58:57 AM
[Comedy] Bands

One thousand dollars

Bands a make her dance -Juicy J

Published:12/8/2017 2:12:13 AM
[Comedy] @InternetHippo Witnesses gasp as I heroically reach into the raging fire to rescue what appears to be a small animal but turns out to be my phone Published:12/7/2017 11:13:58 AM
[Comedy] high key

when somethin needs to be said outloud so every can here; opposite of low key

aye high key tho, that female is extra fine

Published:12/7/2017 2:35:33 AM
[Comedy] Boonk

The act of finessing someone of their personal belongings; The attempt to purchase an item, but deciding to run away without paying for the item;

"Oh my goodness! I just got boonked by that man!"

"Tonight, we are going to boonk the corner store."

"BOONK GANG!!!"

Published:12/6/2017 2:34:28 AM
[Comedy] Double Cup

Double cup. Two cups stacked on each other, filled to the brim with a cocktail consisting of promethazine and codeine syrup, candy (usually Jolly Ranchers, or Skittles), ice, and a softdrink of choice (Sprite, Fanta, etc.)

"Po'up in my double cup."

Published:12/5/2017 8:58:07 AM
[Comedy] bozophobe

A bozophobe is someone who is afraid of clowns either jokingly or seriously. Some people pretend to be afraid of clowns or make claims that they were afraid of clowns as children. This all falls under the category of Bozophobia. If one is afraid of clowns they may be deemed bozophobic.

Person 1: "Oh my god, like.. I totally hate clowns!"
Person 2: "Dude, you're bein' a bozophobe."

Published:12/4/2017 1:40:37 PM
[Comedy] VOCD

"Volume Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder"
Function: Noun

A psychoneurotic disorder in which the television viewer is beset with obsessions or compulsions or both to adjust the volume on the television to a "perfect" number, such as 15, 20, 25, etc. and suffers extreme anxiety or depression through failure to adjust the volume or witnessing an "imperfect" number (9, 16, 31).

Joe has VOCD; he must adjust the volume on any television in which it is not set to a perfect number.

Published:12/3/2017 3:11:52 AM
[Comedy] @rickygervais I believe that some people really believe that a god made the universe. And I believe that some people really believe there is an afterlife. But I don't believe that some people really believe the Earth is flat. It seems like attention seeking. Hipst Published:12/2/2017 1:40:50 PM
[Comedy] trickle up economics

The financial principle of bleeding the poor and middle class of any expendable income (and some necessary income) so they cannot buy anything, thus impacting the government-supported mega-corporations and lending institutions, requiring Republican idiots to give them more money to continue their financial destruction of the United States. Amen.

A: Did you hear about AIG? Another quintessential example of trickle up economics.
B: Is my bank account safe?
A: About as safe as a $3 gallon of gas.
B: So, not that safe? I'm not sure what you're saying.
A: Oh, I'm just joking around with you.
A&B together: Aaaaaaahahahahahah.

Published:12/2/2017 2:07:18 AM
[Comedy] @DothTheDoth As your goth physcologist, I urge you to embrace your nightmares & always be close to a forest you can disappear into. Published:12/1/2017 3:03:11 PM
[Comedy] fax potato

A person who faxes from one floor to another instead of getting up and running the information because they're too lazy to get out of their chair.

Dilbert, over in Engineering, is such a fax potato. He sent me 15 faxes this week. What, he can't leave his office to run me a READABLE spec sheet?

Published:12/1/2017 3:29:58 AM
[Comedy] @McJesse 300,000,000 sources close to Trump say he's showing signs of dementia. Published:11/30/2017 1:58:21 PM
[Comedy] ghostlighting

A hybrid of ghosting and gaslighting. Ceasing all communication with someone and then, when they attempt to contact you, pretending like you have no idea who they are or what they are talking about.

John: "Guys, did you hear what Christina did?"
Catherine: "No, what?"
John: "She was too chicken sh*t to quit her job, so she just didn't show up and then when her boss, Will, called her, she acted like she didn't know who he was!"
Catherine: "Oh, wow, she's totally ghostlighting that dude, eh?"

Published:11/30/2017 2:22:44 AM
[Comedy] @SnizzleFrizzle I can hear you swallowing from across the room you irritating piece of SHIT - marriage Published:11/30/2017 12:29:27 AM
[Comedy] Digging you heavy

Interested in you a great amount.

I'm digging you heavy young lady.

Published:11/29/2017 2:16:13 AM
[Comedy] fuckshit

unexplainable lame ass shit

That's some fuckshit! Or This is some fuckshit!

Published:11/28/2017 2:11:09 AM
[Comedy] speak on that

A phrase that entails the other speaker in the conversation to elaborate on their point. It is usually used to propel the energy of the conversation. Similar to the phrases "dayuum", "sheeeet" and "preach brotha"

"You're so fucking dumb that you think "Mytosis" is another way to refer to your own toes.
"ooooh damn speak on that"
"yeh"

Published:11/27/2017 2:05:31 AM
[Comedy] @Bluestmoon_ The difference between my house at 62° and my house at 65° is about 7,000 degrees Published:11/26/2017 6:05:55 PM
[Comedy] @drewtoothpaste "10-4" is not some kind of secret code. it's a subtraction problem the police have been trying to solve for decades Published:11/26/2017 5:41:14 PM
[Comedy] Poot

Word describing a brief flatulatory experience. (Farting)

Excuse me, I just pooted.

Published:11/26/2017 2:28:55 AM
[Comedy] Shanksgiving

Thanksgiving in jail.

Bobo had a bummer of a Shanksgiving in jail, but at least he didn’t get shanked.

Published:11/25/2017 2:22:09 AM
[Comedy] @C00LpenNAME I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name Published:11/24/2017 1:17:48 PM
[Comedy] belly nipple

a outie belly button

bruh, belly nipples are so gross.
belly nipple?
an outie belly button

Published:11/24/2017 3:15:36 AM
[Comedy] office rage

noun; A fit of violent anger by an office worker due to nonperformance by equipment. Normally directed at printers, computers, phones, etc. Similar to: road rage.

The printer is jammed and Susan has a meeting in 10 minutes. She's got a horrible case of office rage today.

Published:11/23/2017 3:09:11 AM
[Comedy] @Man_Ona_Ledge If we start watching a netflix series together U aren’t allowed to watch it,ever, without me. - Women Published:11/22/2017 11:35:26 AM
[Comedy] Sassterhood

Where a group of girls have all been through relationships with fuckboy bellends and decide to no longer be a rug for them to walk on. They form a group where together, they constantly encourage each other to take no shit from insignificant others that are not worth their time. This is done via group chat or weekly lunches.

I wouldn't mess with that sassterhood if I were you...

Published:11/22/2017 2:35:20 AM
[Comedy] @Canadian_Cutie_ Netflix and don't touch me with your feet Published:11/21/2017 8:08:36 PM
[Comedy] cobra yawn

The involuntary spraying of saliva while yawning. Much like the venom spray from a cobra. In most cases the yawner doesn't realized it has happened only finding the aftermath once the yawn is over.

I just cobra yawned all over my keyboard five minutes prior to writing this definition.

Published:11/21/2017 3:33:08 AM
[Comedy] apply for a mutual

follow someone on twitter in hopes of them following you back, thus becoming mutuals.

when i first saw your account, i thought you were cool, so i thought i'd apply for a mutual.

Published:11/20/2017 2:30:35 AM
[Comedy] @Boba_Photo She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them. Published:11/20/2017 12:57:20 AM
[Comedy] @LoveMyScionFRS Went to the casino with $100, left with $104. Baller. Published:11/19/2017 12:22:32 PM
[Comedy] The Floor is Lava

1. A multiplayer game in which one person yells, "The floor is lava!" and all other players must comply and find higher ground to get to. Anywhere but the floor is safe and if players stay on the floor, then they are painfully burned to death. The floor becomes safe only when the player that called "lava" recalls that the floor has solidified and is safe to walk upon.

2. An utterance that causes absolute havoc when shouted. The equivalent of yelling "Fire" in a crowded theater, but perfectly legal and much more fun.

"When my friend yelled the floor is lava, I jumped on top of him to save myself and he burned to death."

Published:11/19/2017 2:19:56 AM
[Comedy] Going Screensaver

When you notice a coworker spacing out, or dozing off in a meeting.

“Check it out, look at Joe. He’s going screensaver.”

Published:11/18/2017 3:16:04 AM
[Comedy] Old slippers

The genitals of a past significant other that after consideration and comparison are the ones you love the most

"My girpelfriend said she missed my old slippers"

Published:11/16/2017 3:26:24 AM
[Comedy] ESKETIT

Lil Pump's favorite word. It has many meanings like getting money, get lit, turn up, or "let's get it"

"Ayee this music lit"

Lil Pump: "ESKETIT"

Published:11/15/2017 2:44:39 AM
[Comedy] conversation walling

When you're trying to make a conversation with a girl/guy you met recently, either A) online B) via text message or C) in person, and she/he responds to any of your questions with blank stares, one letter text messages using the words: oh, cool, or nice, or nothing at all until you have to try to change the subject.

Ron: so do you have any brothers or sister?
Emily: Yes
~4 minute delay~
Ron: Are you the oldest?
Emily: No
~2 minute delay~
Ron: So how was your day?
~2 minute delay~
Emily: Ok
Ron: Are you conversation walling me on purpose?
Emily: What?
Ron: I think I'd have a better conversation with a brick wall.

Published:11/14/2017 3:37:19 AM
[Comedy] Brain Spurs

brain spurs. noun. a medical term referring to fatty growths in the cerebral cortex causing difficulty speaking, limited vocabulary, lying, laziness caused by being born rich

Trump got a deferment from Vietnam due to his Brain Spurs.

Published:11/13/2017 2:00:29 AM
[Comedy] paggro

to be passively aggressive towards someone

Driver: Grr. That guy is totally riding my bumper. I'm going to drive slower.
Passenger2: Way to get paggro on his ass.

Published:11/12/2017 2:25:33 AM
[Comedy] @Whatever__cc I think everyone should get the opinion of at least 10 kindergartners before posting a selfie. Published:11/11/2017 8:28:21 PM
[Comedy] @St4ck_Overflow If I only had a few hours left to live and I could go anywhere in the world, I'd definitely go to the Hospital Published:11/11/2017 8:49:16 AM
[Comedy] Smartphone dead leg

The loss of feeling in the legs due to prolonged smartphone use whilst sitting down, in particular on the toilet.

"Whoa candy crush just gave me mad smartphone dead leg on that last poo break!"

Published:11/11/2017 3:20:29 AM
[Comedy] blind cite

A citation to some authority where it is clear the author has either not read, or fails to comprehend on a basic level, the cited authority.

Jeff regularly cites to articles that directly contradict his premise. One could say his blind cite is 20/20.

Published:11/10/2017 2:11:59 AM
[Comedy] @ParasiteHilton *buys swiss cheese, donuts, pineapple rings, and Cheerios* Clerk: Thanks for shopping at Hole Foods! *food falls through bottom of bag* Published:11/10/2017 12:10:04 AM
[Comedy] collecting receipts

taking screenshots/pictures/video/any form of footage or audio to be used against someone. like when an lawyer provides evidence in court.

"Girl, I was collecting receipts on what's going on between her and Bob."
"Oooooh, I want to see!"

Published:11/9/2017 2:05:03 AM
[Comedy] @panmidwest if marvel movies have taught me one thing it’s that whenever you see an older white guy with a mustache it’s stan lee Published:11/8/2017 5:45:23 PM
[Comedy] Emily Axford and Brian K. Murphy are the Married Masterminds Behind ‘Hot Date’ Emily Axford is happily married, but she’s willing to put herself right back into those painful days of dating, just to make people laugh. Published:11/8/2017 6:00:36 AM
[Comedy] Schrödinger's Text

The philosophical thought exercise used by men and women, waiting for a text that states "If you turn your phone off the text is both received and not received untill you turn it back on and see". This thought exercise is exceptionally useful when you are waiting and obsessing over a text.

Person 1 "hey aren't you waiting on a text? Why is your phone off"

Person 2 "schrödinger's text. If I have my phone off I don't know if that hot girl in chem class replied to my dinner invite and as a result I can't worry about not getting a reply."

Person 1 " wow just grow a pair"

Published:11/8/2017 2:27:39 AM
[Comedy] trump bump

The painful knot on your forehead that develops from repeatedly banging your head against the wall out of frustration, disbelief and/or abject horror at Trump's inability to form complete thoughts & sentences, tell the truth, treat people with respect, etc etc etc. (Basically anything he does)

"Dude, your Trump bump looks wicked"
"Yeah, I just listened to his latest thoughts on the Russian hack. I'm seeing double and have to repair the living room wall again."

Published:11/7/2017 2:22:09 AM
[Comedy] @ObscureAaron Rich people who don't use their swimming pools confuse me. "Oh, hello. Would you like to look at my box in the ground, filled with water?" Published:11/6/2017 5:52:06 PM
[Comedy] posse

your crew, your hommies, a group of friends, people who may or may not have your back

me an' my posse gonna hang tonite

Published:11/6/2017 3:14:50 AM
[Comedy] @Henry_3000 Men are much better secret keepers than women mainly because they weren't really listening to begin with. Published:11/5/2017 5:45:47 AM
[Comedy] gangsta lean

A common driving position in which the driver holds the wheel with his left hand while leaning to his right toward the passenger seat, usually bobbing his head or bumpin' with the beat. It's a pretty badass way to drive. This move works best in a Chevy Caprice or any pimp-style car with a 3-person front seat.

"...with a hellafied gangsta lean, gettin' funky on da mike like an ol' bunch of collard greens..." -Snoop Dogg

Sammy was gangsta leanin' so hard yesterday that his head was partially out the passenger window. What a pimp.

Published:11/5/2017 3:08:23 AM
[Comedy] IRLYBITSTTY

i really like you but i'm too scared to tell you

person 1: hey IRLYBITSTTY
person 2: oh what?
person 1: oh nothing :)

Published:11/4/2017 2:30:37 AM
[Comedy] interrogatories

A list of questions that you must answer truthfully or else you're fucked.

The Plaintiff was required to answer the Defendant's interrogatories

Published:11/3/2017 11:45:31 AM
[Comedy] scheissegeist

From the German for "shit" + "ghost" (scheisse + geist): the smell left over in the bathroom.

Terry, please open the window when you poop. You need to let the scheissegeist out.

Published:11/2/2017 6:48:52 AM
[Comedy] @shutupmikeginn my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town Published:11/1/2017 3:46:39 PM
[Comedy] @JohnFugelsang Inflammatory rhetoric is worse than Hitler and will kill us all. Published:11/1/2017 1:46:35 PM
[Comedy] Claustrophobic

To have a fear of Santa Claus.

Can you get away from me? You're making me claustrophobic.

Published:11/1/2017 2:11:52 AM
[Comedy] Manafucked

That time you were like Paul Manafort and got indicted by a federal jury for treasonous behavior.

I thought I could get away with helping Donald Trump collide with the Russian Government but then Mueller came around and I got Manafucked in the ass.

Published:10/31/2017 2:37:16 AM
[Comedy] President Toddler

The 45th President of the USA, Donald Trump

"Despite the negative press covfefe"
Random User: Well, shit. President toddler's at it again!

Published:10/30/2017 3:26:41 AM
[Comedy] Yeah, but still

The worst way to win an arguement, used when one has been proven wrong but somehow is able to reject all arguements and win.

1: Women should be allowed to go topless, men are permitted and it is a double standard.
2: But women have boobs though
1: But I've seen many moobs in my day
2: Yeah, but still

Published:10/29/2017 3:30:21 AM
[Comedy] Binge-sleep

Sleep for hours and hours in advance for coming days.

I'll binge-sleep this weekend, exams are coming.

Published:10/28/2017 2:17:16 AM
[Comedy] @dril cruising the streets of night time in my Hyundai Sonata... looking for drunk drivers to ram into Published:10/27/2017 1:22:50 PM
[Comedy] weird part of youtube

the part of youtube where one encounters very odd videos, such as the retarded running horse, retarded dog, and drunk squirrel.

how the hell did i get to the weird part of youtube?

Published:10/27/2017 4:10:02 AM
[Comedy] @aparnapkin Always fun when you suddenly catch your reflection during a long conversation & realize your listening face is violently unconvincing Published:10/27/2017 2:12:05 AM
[Comedy] excretorium

Restroom, bathroom, lavatory.

May I use your excretorium?

Published:10/26/2017 2:35:29 AM
[Comedy] @AndrewNadeau0 I identify w/ pumpkins cuz I feel like I too would awkwardly smile & act like everything was fine even while being stabbed. Published:10/25/2017 12:28:28 PM
[Comedy] deluxe handshake

A "man's" handshake. When you squeeze someone's hands so hard that you make them kneel down from the pain that you are inflicting on their knuckles.

Typically done by redneck and trailer folk on unsuspecting people.

Me: So Mike, what's a deluxe handshake?
Mike: It's what I did to Pastor Cesar when I first met him. I had him praying to me in front of everyone.

Published:10/25/2017 2:29:50 AM
[Comedy] pupper necking

The act of slowing down traffic to look at a cute dog.

Guy: “Why is this guy in front of me going so damn slow?!”
Girl: “He must be pupper necking, look at that adorable doggo on the sidewalk!”

Published:10/24/2017 2:19:25 AM
[Comedy] @bourgeoisalien If you hide in a trash can at Arby's and get locked there overnight, you own that Arby's. That's the only legal way Arby's can change owners Published:10/22/2017 12:39:49 PM
[Comedy] DeVostated

The feeling one has when they go to report a sexual assault to learn section seven has been annulled under Betsy DeVos and the Trump Reich.

girl: I went to the counselor to talk about what happened this weekend, with those men.

Friend: what happened?

Girl: nothing, they told me there was nothing I could do, because the proper procedures have been removed... I was DeVostated. The US school system is fucked under Betsy DeVos.

Published:10/22/2017 2:08:36 AM
[Comedy] @JohnFugelsang Those snobs at Yankee Candle Co. just rejected my scented votive pitch for "Grampa's Cigarettes." Published:10/21/2017 2:35:22 PM
[Comedy] Typeractivity

Over use of personal devices especially in regard to texting.

His typeractivity was distracting to those around him.

Published:10/21/2017 2:28:25 AM
[Comedy] Thirst Responder

Dudes that start hitting on a girl immediately after she becomes single.

Bryce didn't even wait an hour after jen ended her relationship to ask her out. He's such a thirst responder.

Published:10/20/2017 2:23:06 AM
[Comedy] Cynically Optimistic

Somebody who acknowledges the fact that humanity is crap but also believes in its capacity to do good.

--Man I know the world has a lot of shitty people but I still think we can do some good here. I think I'm cynically optimistic.

--If you're that person who wants to cut the next jerk who cuts you in line, but also has genuine faith in humanity, you're cynically optimistic.

Published:10/19/2017 2:15:33 AM
[Comedy] @OctopusCaveman [2 men standing in an empty basement together] Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.” Published:10/18/2017 9:15:40 PM
[Comedy] Say Less

A phrase used when you are done with someones bullshit and you want them to stop talking. Usually in a rude/angry tone and/or while in an argument.

John: Yo, I didnt steal your money bro. Why would I do that?

Joe: Nah man I dont trust you.

John: Vro we been friends for years

Joe: Nigga say less

Published:10/18/2017 8:44:47 AM
[Comedy] Pretendergy

Pretendergy; "Pretending to have energy" Running on fumes from staying up all night, And pretending it didn't happen the next day at a family dinner.

I am actually exhausted this is just Pretendergy

Published:10/17/2017 1:51:29 PM
[Comedy] tgiaf

1. acronym for "Thank God Its Almost Friday", word is only usually used on thursday.

hey Craig guess what?
What?
TGIAF!!!

Published:10/16/2017 4:28:37 AM
[Comedy] @EthanDolan Do u ever wonder what the cavemen would think about the things we stress about nowadays? Published:10/15/2017 11:51:29 AM
[Comedy] @owillis If we want gun legislation to pass we should tell Republicans the 2nd is the Obama amendment. Published:10/15/2017 11:21:54 AM
[Comedy] tinfoil hat

1. A hat made from kitchen aluminum foil or other pliable metallic substance, with the supposed purpose of shielding the wearer's brain from mind control/surveillance by various supernatural or conspirital organizations.

2. Pertaining to various supernatural or conspirital phenomena.

Mike is still talking about space aliens? He must have left his tinfoil hat at home.

Published:10/15/2017 4:21:03 AM
[Comedy] yesternight

Yesterday night.

So, what happened yesternight, anyway?

Published:10/14/2017 2:12:54 AM
[Comedy] disastrophe

A combination of the words 'disaster' and 'catastrophe' indicating a very serious and very tragic event. A tragedy of epic proportions.

The flood was a disastrophe for that region of the United States.

Published:10/13/2017 2:36:38 AM
[Comedy] @iscoff Remember when nightmares used to be bad? Now they're a fun escape from the awake times. I love the giant spider with acid spit Published:10/12/2017 12:08:19 PM
[Comedy] talmbout

1. a conjuction of the words talking & about
2. refering to; asking a question
3. Yelled at broads when leaving the club to see whats poppin
4.to plot or scheme

1. As nicole walked out of chris's house, he yelled "what u talmbout?!?!?!?
2. What yall talmbout?
3. When Chris & D-rock saw some fat butt chicks leaving the club drunk, they holler'ed "yall aint talmbout it".

Published:10/12/2017 4:32:48 AM
[Comedy] @1followernodad it's hilarious that are men walking around w/ their fragile wrinkled up gross hairy ballsacks being like "this is the source of my power." Published:10/11/2017 6:58:58 PM
[Comedy] @DaveKingThing “no you don’t understand the president is like REALLY crazy now” - a different investigative report that comes out every 3 weeks Published:10/11/2017 4:28:26 PM
[Comedy] Bloje

Noun; a blowjob

yo trace you didn't tell me you got a bloje from peyton last weekend.

Published:10/11/2017 2:25:12 AM
[Comedy] Fucktickeling

Tickeling as a form of foreplay

I really like this guys ross - everything is going great but he is into fucktickeling and it’s just not my bag

Published:10/10/2017 2:18:28 AM
[Comedy] emergency bacon

This is bacon which is hidden from normal usage such that, in the event of a bad day, a party, or a zombie apocalypse, it is readily available to save the day and improve morale. Usually this is kept in a separate freezer apart from the one in your kitchen. It can also be hidden in the main freezer using grocery bags, or by hiding down at the bottom where it is hard to reach. The end goal is that the bacon is hidden and forgotten from normal usage but, when you really need it, you remember it is there and can still have bacon.
This also can lead to having to double up on grocery purchases of bacon to replenish your normal supply, plus the emergency bacon ration.

"Oh man, I've had a rough day at work, and just need some bacon to cheer me up."
"But we're out, we used up our bacon on Saturday with a big breakfast, and I haven't had time to grocery shop".
"Wait! We still have the emergency bacon, let's open that up!"

Published:10/9/2017 3:43:36 AM
[Comedy] do the dash

Going high speed in a car.

"Im bout to do the dash, the 5'0 behind us"

Published:10/8/2017 2:05:18 AM
[Comedy] Distractivated

Being actively distracted in such a way that it activates ideas that motivate or inspire.

Brooke- what's up Pammy? You seem distracted?
Pamela- nah brookie I'm distractivated, I just came up with a new word.

"I was so distractivated at work today, I had the perfect idea for Rhys's birthday"

Published:10/7/2017 2:29:30 AM
[Comedy] boysplaining

Mansplaining, but more immature.

15 Year Old Boysplaining Feminism

Published:10/6/2017 2:25:13 AM
[Comedy] @miel therapy is actually pretty cheap if you think of it as buying someone's silence Published:10/5/2017 11:49:38 AM
[Comedy] ask me out boots

Much tamer than "Fuck me boots" because the heel is shorter and less spikey. It is merely an invitation to ask me out and see how it goes. While less sexy than FMB they are much sexier than "Ignore me boots".

Dude, did you see Amy today? She has her ask me out boots on, I think I will.

Published:10/5/2017 11:49:36 AM
[Comedy] Dunning-Hitler effect

The tendency for countries that believe they are immune to fascism to be especially susceptible to its rise.

The popularity of Geert Wilders is an example of the Dunning-Hitler effect in its early stages.

Donald Trump's presidency is an example of the Dunning-Hitler effect.

Published:10/4/2017 6:49:35 AM
[Comedy] horngry

Hungry and Horny at the same time.

Homer Simpson is in a purpetual state of horngryness.

Published:10/3/2017 2:36:21 AM
[Comedy] Kush Mama

Nickname for someone awesome who always comes in hot with the weedz.

Kush Mama has got it going on!

Published:10/2/2017 2:28:26 AM
[Comedy] Girlfriend Vibes

A type of sales technique that involves flattery and flirtation. The technique is effective at giving value and power to the salesperson's suggestions and compliments, thus resulting in a larger sale.

The most extreme example of this would be an exotic dancer, making you feel like she likes you so you'll come back for another dance. It exists, however, at lesser degrees, especially at smaller, boutique-y, bougie stores.

Their face cream doesn't actually cure acne, they just use girlfriend vibes to sell it. I bought a year's supply.

Published:10/1/2017 2:22:14 AM
[Comedy] birth my food baby

Taking a shit.

Guys, Imma need half an hour to birth my food baby.

Published:9/30/2017 2:15:20 AM
[Comedy] Stepdad Bod

A guy who allowed the passing of time to ravage his once great physique but eventually decided to lay off the beers and do a little bit of lifting to attract Cougars like your mom.

"Bro, you have to hit the gym, your starting to get a dad bod."
"You see these guns? I got a stepdad bod, at least!"

Published:9/29/2017 3:10:41 AM
[Comedy] sound byte hoe

Anyone who only gets on tv to give a worthless opinion about a major topic just to be relevant

45 will do and say anything about sports but refuses to address real issues. He's such a sound byte hoe.

Published:9/28/2017 2:03:39 AM
[Comedy] betrumped

Old word (approx 1600s) for swindled.

I've been betrumped! He cheated me out of winning the election.

Published:9/27/2017 2:27:45 AM
[Comedy] @nachosarah nothing has proven more that the news thrives on instilling fear & anxiety in us than the constant stories about the kardashians reproducing Published:9/27/2017 1:57:03 AM
[Comedy] @KrangTNelson I ate some weed caramels earlier today and just said "thank you" to a closed door a full minute after the food delivery guy left Published:9/27/2017 1:26:16 AM
[Comedy] Nambia

The world's top exporter of covfefe.

Nambia's health system is increasingly self-sufficient.

Published:9/26/2017 2:16:38 AM
[Comedy] virtual date

When you and someone else watch a movie together without physically being together. All you need is a laptop, and/or tablet, a phone, and a friend with the same materials. Once you have the materials just find a movie on the device you both like then call each other on the phone and watch simultaneously. Feel free to talk and comment on the movie via cell :)

"Man i wish we could go see a movie"
well why don't we just have a virtual date?
"sure ill get my computer and pull up Netflix".

Published:9/25/2017 2:11:12 AM
[Comedy] @NoahGarfinkel Donald Trump is the least complicated President in history. There are like four things about him in total. Published:9/24/2017 2:39:22 PM
[Comedy] thought itch

It's a thought that is on the tip of your tongue but can't remember it.

I have a thought itch I can't remember.

Published:9/24/2017 2:33:47 AM
[Comedy] Dotard

An aging individual who has long lost the ability to make rational sense.

That dotard is going to get us all blown up, if he doesn't calm down .

Published:9/23/2017 2:26:54 AM
[Comedy] @AbbyHasIssues I threw old kale under my feeder and now the chipmunks are walking around in yoga pants and requesting coconut water. Published:9/22/2017 4:26:32 PM
[Comedy] @existentialcoms The year is 2056. Elon Musk is Space King. He owns space. Everyone lives in spaceships and have to pay him if they want to piss into space. Published:9/22/2017 11:52:23 AM
[Comedy] Cigarettiquette

"Cigarette Etiquette"

The customary code of polite behaviour in society among smokers, with particular regard to cigarettes.

Examples:
- Offering a cigarette or lighter without being asked
- Passing an ashtray to a fellow smoker
- Properly extinguishing a cigarette to prevent a smouldering ashtray
- Being generous with tobacco and accessories regardless of payment offers

- Offering to pay when asking for a cigarette

- Leaving the last cigarette for the owner of the packet
- Respecting the lucky cigarette
- Respecting the space of non-smokers

"Hey, that's my last dart, where's your Cigarettiquette?"
"Dead guy Bryan doesn't take Cynthia's last smoke because he observes good Cigarettiquette"

Published:9/22/2017 2:22:26 AM
[Comedy] lap error

When your receiving a lap dance from one persons or two , and they release bodily fluid on your legs. Typically common in places like concerts, strip clubs, and house party's.

Dude, last night with Jessica she made a lap error!

Published:9/21/2017 2:13:59 AM
[Comedy] tea off

When you and a friend compete to drink as many twisted teas as possible in one sitting.

"Yo Kyle, we're f*cking having a tea off on saturday."

Published:9/20/2017 2:07:34 AM
[Comedy] @MelvinofYork I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid Published:9/19/2017 11:04:15 AM
[Comedy] click itch

An everlasting feeling of need to start clicking, usually on social sites such as Facebook, Instagram, Google, Pinterest, etc.

I can't stop searching Pinterest, I've got a click itch.

Published:9/19/2017 2:30:56 AM
[Comedy] yassderday

When something really great happened the day prior.

Person #1: Last night's party was lit!

Person #2: Yaaassss, yassderday's party was soooo liiittt

Published:9/18/2017 2:24:04 AM
[Comedy] hirp

A Hiccup burp.

The painful eruption of gas flowing up the esophagus, while simultaneously hiccuping.

Josh: "arghhaaaaHhhs"
Justin: "wtf was that?"
Josh: "oh you know, I HIRPED."

Published:9/17/2017 2:17:08 AM
[Comedy] IYKWIM

Acronym. Stands for "If you know what I mean". Mainly used in instant messaging conversations. Can also be used in conjunction with "AITYD" (and I think you do).

"I could really go for a tossed salad for lunch."

"Oh, I've got a salad for you to toss, IYKWIM...AITYD."

Published:9/16/2017 4:12:15 AM
[Comedy] Lent Trap

/l?nt træp/ noun

In couples where one party is Catholic and the other is not, the unwilling subjection of the non-Catholic to the 40-day ritual of penitence known as Lent.

1. We were going to have dinner at this great new steak place on Friday night, but Joe's got me stuck in a Lent Trap.

2. My wife Jane decided to give up sex for Lent. Worst. Lent Trap. Ever.

Published:9/15/2017 4:38:16 AM
[Comedy] Cruzing

Looking for porn on Twitter. Bonus points if you get caught "liking" one of the posts and blame it on a hack, then on a staffer.

I understand the problems the country currently faces, but I plan to spend the night Cruzing.

Published:9/14/2017 3:03:07 AM
[Comedy] @Pundamentalism It's so sad that 100% of married snails live in separate houses. Published:9/13/2017 3:10:08 PM
[Comedy] dinner reprise

A heady way to say leftovers

Mom, I'm sick of leftovers. Don't think of them as leftovers but as a "dinner reprise".

Published:9/13/2017 2:57:13 AM
[Comedy] Gasterbation

It's when you beat the gas nossle on the tank to get all the gas out.

He used gasterbation to get all gas out.

Published:9/12/2017 2:21:19 AM
[Comedy] a small loan

A million dollars.

My father gave me a small loan.

Published:9/11/2017 8:21:28 AM
[Comedy] cospainting

Cosplaying in a suit but instead of a mask, you use facepaint.

Oh, wow, dude! Look at the guy cospainting as Bonnie the Bunny!

Published:9/10/2017 3:02:59 AM
[Comedy] Hush Puppie Highway

Walking. esp when you have no car or your car is not working or your ride left you.

no one wanted to pick me up so I had to take the hush puppie highway.

Published:9/9/2017 4:33:17 AM
[Comedy] global warmer

A sports utility vehicle or other large truck-vehicle that spews an attrocious amount of toxins into the atmosphere, particularly apropos if the owner has no need for an off-road vehicle and would never even dream of driving it on a gravel parking lot for fear he would ding his paint.

I can't believe Scott bought a Hummer. Why on Earth does that asshole need a global warmer?

Published:9/8/2017 4:08:20 AM
[Comedy] clickskreig

To engage in war using false news and propaganda with scandalous and intriguing "clickbait" titles and links.

Russian intelligence is engaged in a clickskreig to degrade western democracies.

Published:9/7/2017 2:27:59 AM
[Comedy] Burp snarf

Is to burp then sneeze then fart at the same time

I will burp snarf at your face

Published:9/6/2017 2:16:34 AM
[Comedy] @Ygrene [my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth [me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL Published:9/5/2017 7:06:52 PM
[Comedy] @MikeMcNeil_ Maybe your dog is barking at my bag because he doesn’t want to work in law enforcement anymore. Published:9/5/2017 5:06:23 PM
[Comedy] Braveass

Another word for Commando. To describe the act of not wearing any underwear under your pants.

Are you brave enough to go Braveass?

Published:9/5/2017 2:01:44 AM
[Comedy] dickjillion

69 to the 69th power; slang for "a lot"

I took some aspirin and now my headache is a dickjillion times better!

Published:9/4/2017 2:27:50 AM
[Comedy] drain the granny out of it

Draining the granny out of something is when you get every little last bit.

*person who is known for taking large sips* "hey ,can I have a sip of your drink?"
*person with drink* "sure but don't drain the granny out of it"

Published:9/3/2017 2:21:21 AM
[Comedy] Trumpmosphere

Releasing negative and or toxic energy into the open

Ever since he began his campaign for Presidency , Mr. Trump has consistently polluted our minds, and atmosphere at large with his negative and toxic comments about minorities, women, and other groups. He is the key contributor to negative energy in the Trumpmosphere.

Published:9/2/2017 2:13:15 AM
[Comedy] Fap Rotation

The act of cycling between multiple different fap materials in order to avoid becoming desensitized to any of them. Similar to how farmers cycle the crops they plant in order to keep the soil full of nutrients.

I have a fap rotation system involving my favorite episodes from a hentai.

Published:9/1/2017 2:06:26 AM
[Comedy] @primawesome I miss the days when we were free from the burden of carrying a computer everywhere and opinions could only go as far as people could yell. Published:8/31/2017 7:34:18 PM
[Comedy] @Donna_McCoy Make her smile by whispering those 3 magic words: "You're not fat." Published:8/31/2017 12:04:02 PM
[Comedy] Exclamation pants

What happens in one's pants when they see something sexy and aren't afraid to hide it.

Seeing that foxy girl turned my trousers into exclamation pants.

Published:8/31/2017 2:29:59 AM
[Comedy] @AndrewNadeau0 Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog. Published:8/31/2017 12:30:14 AM
[Comedy] @vineyille Stabbings are at an all time low. And as the mayor of Knife City, I accept full responsibility. This is not who we are. We're stabfolk. Published:8/30/2017 11:59:19 PM
[Comedy] vacationship

A long-distance relationship in which the couple only gets together for idyllic vacation-like excursions, therefore avoiding the "real-life" issues of dating.

"She met this guy online last summer, but he lives in Austin and doesn't want to move, so they've struck up this very intense vacationship."

Published:8/30/2017 2:28:27 PM
[Comedy] Murphy's Locker room Law

When you select a locker in an empty locker room, the next person coming back to their locker will be right next to yours. If they happen to enter at the exact moment you're putting on your underwear, then their locker will be on the opposite side of you and they'll have to shuffle by uncomfortably close.

Me: (putting on underwear in the locker room)
Next guy: oh hi, I need to slip past you to get to my locker; hope you don't mind.
Me: No problem; it's Murphy's Locker room Law.
Next guy & Me: chuckle chuckle chuckle

Published:8/29/2017 2:21:23 AM
[Comedy] league skimmer

a person that goes out with people way out of their league

Harry is a league skimmer because he goes/ went out with jen.

Published:8/28/2017 4:12:24 AM
[Comedy] @thetigersez You know that feeling when you really really want pizza, but you eat salad instead? That's what being an adult feels like 99% of the time. Published:8/27/2017 3:15:38 PM
[Comedy] backup bestie

A person's second friend; Your second bestie; the second person you want to spend time with most; BBFF.

My bestie is at work. Heck, it's ok I have a backup bestie!

Published:8/27/2017 3:39:39 AM
[Comedy] or the terrorists have won

the best excuse to get what you want.

Continue buying SUVs or the terrorists have won.
Repeal the Constitution or the terrorists have won.
Dance naked in front of me or the terrorists have won.

Published:8/26/2017 4:06:59 AM
[Comedy] Dinner Sweats

When you hold in a poop at the dinner table so long that you start to sweat.

I was trying to be polite but was nerve racked by the dreaded Dinner Sweats.

Published:8/25/2017 4:25:53 AM
[Comedy] @charstarlene My pilates teacher asked if anyone had any aches and pains anywhere and I shouted "MY EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING" and everyone ignored me Published:8/24/2017 10:30:08 PM
[Comedy] rectangle time

The time of day when people in an obviously social setting instead choose to pull out their smart phones and have some time alone with their "rectangle". The term can also apply to other electronics, such as computers, iPads, etc.

"Having some rectangle time there, I see" she said to Luke, as he stared at the phone screen while sitting on a scenic beach.

Published:8/24/2017 2:15:43 AM
[Comedy] I'm gonna Trump today.

I can't Trump today means to blow off all responsibilities and go play golf.

Fuck work,

I'm gonna Trump today.

Published:8/23/2017 2:09:45 AM
[Comedy] Canadian competition

The act of challenging someone to bigger act of kindness war.

My roommate challenged me to a Canadian competition, he did my dishes so I cleaned his room and did his laundry. I win, for now.

Published:8/22/2017 2:06:22 AM
[Comedy] Napstipated

When you really need to nap but can't.

" I'm suffering from some severe napstipation!" "Ouch man you're napstipated! That sucks! you should really see a doctor!"

Published:8/21/2017 2:30:21 AM
[Comedy] @sosadtoday i don't need to sleep forever just for 5000 years Published:8/20/2017 10:58:00 AM
[Comedy] Sailing the internet

To illegally download content, internet piracy.

So whatcha doing tonight?
I'm sailing the internet looking for movies

Published:8/20/2017 2:23:47 AM
[Comedy] @Marlebean Ok so this revenge is cold, but is it raw vegan? I'm on a strict diet. Published:8/19/2017 7:49:57 PM
[Comedy] blessed from behind

Your ass is huge.

"Damn girl you are blessed from behind"

Published:8/19/2017 2:16:25 AM
[Comedy] Carpin all those diems

Making the most of your time

"Only losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carpin all those diems."
-summer

Published:8/18/2017 2:08:16 AM
[Comedy] Ride Critic

Any passenger for Uber or Lyft that gives you a bad rating over the most ridiculous thing you can imagine.

I got a text, an email and an alert on my mobile device from (ridesharing company) about how dirty my car is. Came to find out it was a fucking ride critic that complained about the water spots on the right side windows.

Published:8/17/2017 2:41:03 AM
[Comedy] Internaive

The state of ignorance towards popular internet memes; the description of a person who does not recognise 90% of internet jokes. origins: internet + naive

"She's so internaive, I can impress her by sending stale memes."

Published:8/16/2017 2:26:51 AM
[Comedy] Bachelor name

Equivalent to Fem. "Maiden Name " When a man changes his name to match that of his partner, his former surname is his "Bachelor Name "

When filling out this form, your Bachelor Name goes on line two.

Published:8/15/2017 2:21:08 AM
[Comedy] @rad_milk [a foreigner gets off a long call in a language i don't understand in an uber pool] ME: (whispering to them) hey what did you say Published:8/14/2017 2:49:34 PM
[Comedy] I just can't Trump today

Nothing accomplished

Not going to work
Excuses

I just can't Trump today.

Published:8/14/2017 2:18:15 AM
[Comedy] freaky paragraphs

Freaky paragraphs is when you ask your bf/gf write sexy shit to you about what they want to do to you

Babe I want a freaky paragraphs

Published:8/13/2017 2:10:08 AM
[Comedy] sleepwait

The act of lying down and drifting in and out of sleep while you wait for something or some one.

1) I gotta go. John is sleepwaiting for me in the other room.

2) Jane alway makes me sleepwait. How long does it take to get ready for bed?

3) John: wyd?

Jane: sleepwaiting til my bf gets here

Published:8/12/2017 2:34:40 AM
[Comedy] upperwear

Upperwear is the wardrobe you create when you work on line or on TV and are only 'seen' from the waist up.

During video calls and meetings she wore professional looking Upperwear, such as blazers with pearls, while at the same wearing jogging pants.

Published:8/11/2017 2:22:41 PM
[Comedy] @DurtMcHurtt [after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom? Published:8/10/2017 11:41:53 PM
[Comedy] Trumperbole

Hyperbole taken to its absolute, laughably untrue extreme. Often utilized to unintentionally ridiculous effect by obnoxious morons.

Trump's love of Trumperbole may just get some of us killed.

Published:8/10/2017 4:35:12 AM
[Comedy] @bobvulfov (whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u Published:8/10/2017 1:33:20 AM
[Comedy] @bessbell The difference between men and woman is men produce sperm and women produce humans and men claim half the credit. Published:8/9/2017 1:58:23 PM
[Comedy] Fire and Fury

Can be referred to as what is unleashed upon after eating a large meal from Taco Bell .

Trump: Every bathroom in America should be prepared to be met with Fire and Fury after this week's taco Tuesday.

Published:8/9/2017 2:21:00 AM
[Comedy] @eedrk (to guy walking up the trail) dont worry there's an elevator up top haha (4 secs later in earshot of first guy) dont worry there's an eleva Published:8/8/2017 5:18:12 PM
[Comedy] @kibblesmith A good prank if you're in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn't paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars Published:8/8/2017 3:18:22 PM
[Comedy] @P_o_n_k *After 3rd failed attempt at naming a drawing board* "Well, boys, I guess it's back to the thing." Published:8/8/2017 6:15:40 AM
[Comedy] Okay, chief

Usually said to someone who is being bossy or persistent about something.

Person 1: Dude, take out the garbage. I'm not gonna ask you again. Seriously.
Person 2: Okay, chief.

Published:8/8/2017 6:15:39 AM
[Comedy] @BGH70 I dont play hard to get, I play hard to endure. Published:8/7/2017 4:28:31 AM
[Comedy] Phobophobia

Being afraid of being afraid.

This is something you can really get worked up with.

A: Don't scare him. He has phobophobia.
B: AAAAH! That was scary .... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Published:8/7/2017 4:28:30 AM
[Comedy] Freudian Spell Check

When spell check changes your word to the wrong word, but the wrong word is actually more appropriate.

I meant to text my friend that she should go to the U2 concert with me because it would be a "great" time. Spell check changed it to "grey" time. That Freudian Spell Check is pretty smart.

Published:8/6/2017 2:34:12 AM
[Comedy] Analog shit

Having to go to the toilet without a phone, tablet or any other digital device.

Shit! I left my cellphone at home now i have to take an analog shit like a caveman

Published:8/5/2017 2:24:48 AM
[Comedy] @MatPatGT It's cute how they call them "Missed Calls" and not "Avoided Calls." Published:8/4/2017 8:24:03 PM
[Comedy] @chemical_scum If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is never 'like Dan Aykroyd.' Published:8/4/2017 6:22:24 PM
[Comedy] where her legs begin

A poetic way of saying pussy.

Brandon sat around thinking of Amelia and how he would love to get back to where her legs begin.

Published:8/4/2017 2:17:29 AM
[Comedy] @Ctrapmrspash "To the window, to the wall" - me directing the carpet layers Published:8/3/2017 3:09:01 AM
[Comedy] Scaramucci

A measurement of time, approximately 11 days.

I'll see you in a scaramucci!

Published:8/3/2017 3:08:56 AM
[Comedy] @figgled Music review: the concept of jazz. Confusing. One star. There is only one good jazz song and it is 'everybody wants to be a cat' Published:8/2/2017 7:57:34 AM
[Comedy] wypipo

Twitter slang or dialect that with read aloud sounds like "white people" which is its actual meaning

Girl wypipo are crazy, they let their dogs lick their mouths

Published:8/2/2017 7:57:33 AM
[Comedy] OOTD

"Outfit Of the Day"

Usually used on fashion blogs, or other places where people show others that they are wearing or have worn.

"Here is my OOTD."

Same as "Here is my outfit of the day."

Published:8/1/2017 2:30:28 AM
[Comedy] The Bannon

The act of self-fellatio

The young man pulled his back muscles while attempting the Bannon.

Political meaning: When patting yourself on the back just isn't enough...go for the Bannon

Published:7/31/2017 2:20:31 AM
[Comedy] @onlxn hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING Published:7/30/2017 5:50:15 PM
[Comedy] Slave to the gram

When one is willing to go to extreme heights in order to obtain an instagram photo, possibly risking injury.

She only ski-dived for the instagram , she's a slave to the gram

Published:7/30/2017 2:13:53 AM
Top Searches:
books
-1'
FBI
obama
obamacare
NASA
dow
Casey
dow jones
asp.net

Jobs from Indeed

comments powered by Disqus