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[Comedy] memely educated

this means that you are educated in the way of the meme

cuz meme is de wae

"dude is not spelled like dood"

" well if you were memely educated, you would know that their are two ways to spell it. the meme way and the regular way, you uncultured swine."

Published:3/23/2018 6:03:18 AM
[Comedy] REMF

Rear Echelon Mother Fucker. One who has no frontline or combat experience, and therefore makes huge errors at expense of human life.

The REMF's decisions make sense only if you think of human beings as statistics. This is the main problem with REMFs- they think of people as numbers.

Shit! That REMF canceled the supply drop! We're on our own for this one!

Published:3/22/2018 4:54:45 PM
[Comedy] @HansGrubertron What if you have tons of ideas but also your ideas are terrible and deserve to be taken away by the gentlest of breezes? – Inventor of Post-It Notes Published:3/22/2018 2:27:16 AM
[Comedy] Trumpillion

A term that denotes a huge number that is much less than its actual value, because someone wants to sound wealthier than he is, and to gain more respect from others.

Donald claimed to be a billion-dollar man, but most business folks think that he’s merely a trumpillion-dollar fellow, whose name can’t even be spotted on the first twenty pages of the Forbes’ billionaires list.

Published:3/21/2018 2:49:00 AM
[Comedy] wrong opinion

When someones opinion differs from yours.

John: "I like red better."
Timmy: "You have a wrong opinion."

Published:3/20/2018 2:57:06 AM
[Comedy] keeping me on read

When you view a text message and don't respond. Keeping the sender in "read" status without a reply.

Why are you keeping me on read? You read my message over two hours ago!

Published:3/19/2018 2:45:03 AM
[Comedy] @squirrel74wkgn I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch. Published:3/18/2018 2:12:40 PM
[Comedy] generationalize

To generalize against a generation.

Don't generationalize, not all millennials are entitled, spoiled children.

Published:3/18/2018 2:47:19 AM
[Comedy] @Sarcasticsapien The people at this bar are being extremely annoying so I put forty dollars in the jukebox and alternated between Nickelback and Christmas songs and then just left. Published:3/17/2018 6:32:41 PM
[Comedy] St. Patrick's Day Eve

Drinking the night before St. Patrick's Day.

Erika, unable to wait for St. Patrick's Day, spent St. Patrick's Day Eve downing shots and drinking beer at the local Irish Pub.

Published:3/17/2018 2:00:19 AM
[Comedy] @Poutymcgee *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog? Published:3/16/2018 12:03:52 PM
[Comedy] lamzy

A word describing anyone who is the combination of lame and lazy pronounced lame-zee

Phil: Rita didn't go to Washington D.C. because she didn't want to pack her bag and do her laundry.
Dan: Man that is so lamzy!

Published:3/16/2018 3:14:07 AM
[Comedy] @ClichedOut questions about the job? me: how do u get suspended with pay Published:3/15/2018 5:30:45 PM
[Comedy] Momarazzi

A gaggle of moms with expensive smartphones taking photos of their kids team or activity.

Before the team could leave the field the momarazzi wanted one last team photo for their Facebook pages

Published:3/15/2018 3:11:53 AM
[Comedy] Congress

Where lobbyists go to buy their laws.

Big Corporation: Hmm this toxic waste dumping regulation seems to be affecting our business.

Lobbyist: No problem I'll just pop down to Congress and buy a new one.

Published:3/14/2018 2:32:37 AM
[Comedy] ignoresation

1) The fine art of having a conversation with someone you would like to ignore.

2) Ignoring someone who is trying to have a conversation with you.

I had a painfully awkward ignoresation with that girl from last night when I ran in to her at the store today.

Published:3/13/2018 2:50:30 AM
[Comedy] dream grudge

Carrying a grudge toward a person after waking up from a dream where they did something bad or mean to you.

When my boss asked me why I snapped at him this morning I had to apologize and tell him I was still holding a dream grudge against him for firing me in my dream last night.

Published:3/12/2018 2:25:12 AM
[Comedy] Get two birds stoned and kill them

When a shortcut fails badly.

Instead of killing two birds with one stone, Joe tried to get two birds stoned and kill them.

Published:3/11/2018 3:25:28 AM
[Comedy] @Darlainky Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen. Published:3/10/2018 7:37:33 PM
[Comedy] mix in a water

When you are too intoxicated and you need some water to help sober you up.

*Stacy takes 7 shots in a row*

*Stacy dances on elevated surface*
*Stacy falls of elevated surface*

Published:3/10/2018 2:38:58 AM
[Comedy] side-text

While texting a group of people you and one of the people in the group also have a private texting conversation

I side-texted Vin to give me excuse get out of Jay's group message to hangout.

Published:3/9/2018 2:27:42 AM
[Comedy] @moutheaters “Should I do it?” My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane Published:3/8/2018 5:48:47 PM
[Comedy] Stashing

Stashing is when you're in a relationship with someone and you refuse to introduce them to your friends and family; mostly because you view the person as temporary, replaceable, and/or you're an asshole.

Friend: "Hey have you met John's parents yet? You've been together for months"

Stashee (or person being stashed): "No, I think he's stashing me. We don't have any pictures together either."

Published:3/8/2018 5:48:45 PM
[Comedy] Mental health food

Food that does not benefit your physical health or well-being, but sure as shit makes you feel awesome while you're eating it.

My vegan hippie family have been feeding me salad all week. I just wanna watch Gilmore Girls and eat mental health food.

Published:3/7/2018 2:07:32 PM
[Comedy] @dmc1138 Every time you order a drink with a tiny umbrella in it, a baby squirrel has to walk home from school in the rain. Published:3/6/2018 2:32:23 PM
[Comedy] Babybottling

The act of drinking a beverage without stopping/slowing down/taking a break for air.

Billy: "Yo, did you see James over there? He's babybottling that soda. Must be thirsty."
Dante: "Damn, he'd better come up for air."

Published:3/6/2018 2:19:13 AM
[Comedy] juvenoia

The fear one generation of adults holds towards the younger generations succeeding them. Often times coincides with the inability to recall one's own childhood and use this as perspective when formulating opinions about "today's" youth.

The feeling that entertainment, social practices, fashion, etc was superior in one's past when compared with how these are practiced by younger generations in modern times.

Jim: "Back in my day, we weren't allowed to have any fun, and didn't want to either! We plowed fields and went straight from toddler to adulthood... it was great!"

Bob: "Jim, I'm afraid you're suffering from what's commonly known as juvenoia."

Published:3/5/2018 2:30:15 AM
[Comedy] @Itskarleytime Almost 30 and I’m just now finding out they aren’t called vanilla folders. Published:3/4/2018 12:15:44 PM
[Comedy] internet hobo

1. Someone who is using thier neighbor's/hotel across the road's wi-fi internet.

My friend just bought a new high power wi-fi card so he can connect to the neighbors wi-fi and is now an offical internet hobo.

Published:3/4/2018 3:08:42 AM
[Comedy] @nopoweradeinusa fellas, U need to step your game up, how ur girl coming over and you haven't even upgraded to the latest nVidia drivers Published:3/3/2018 1:29:43 PM
[Comedy] Nutflix

A movie rentals-by-mail service for squirrels

squirrel#1: Have you rented Over The Hedge yet?
squirrel#2: No, but I'll get it off Nutflix and watch it on nut inside.
squirrel#2: But there's portable nut! You can watch nut outside!

Published:3/3/2018 3:53:47 AM
[Comedy] It is what it is

Used often in the business world, this incredibly versatile phrase can be literally translated as "fuck it."

The client changed the deadline to today? Well, it is what it is.

Published:3/2/2018 6:00:23 PM
[Comedy] Assfacia

A disease in which your face begins to resemble your hind quarters.

"Nah, she's got assfacia."

Published:3/1/2018 11:12:49 AM
[Comedy] @HenpeckedHal I'm flattered to have been named a "person of interest" by my local police department. Published:2/28/2018 3:21:22 PM
[Comedy] Shit and run

When someone walks their dog, but does not bring a bag with which to clean up the poop, and has to flee the scene.

Having no intention of cleaning up after your dog.

Friend: "Man, that dude's dog just shit in my yard and he didn't clean it up!"

Me: "Oh! It was a shit and run!"

Published:2/28/2018 3:45:14 AM
[Comedy] Douchy Donald

Deragatory (but very descriptive) nickname for the 45th president of the United States of America (Donald Trump).

Grab them by the What!? ! What else can you expect from Douchy Donald .

Published:2/27/2018 5:04:19 PM
[Comedy] apartimony

Monies paid even though you are no longer living with a former roommate/lover.

I broke up with that skeezer Lisa and moved out. But I'm a good guy so I'm still paying her apartimony.

Published:2/26/2018 3:29:01 AM
[Comedy] @SuperRandomish Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt. Published:2/25/2018 1:51:43 PM
[Comedy] @TheCatWhisprer I was going to wake up early and go for a run this morning but then I remembered that I’m not going to do that. Published:2/25/2018 11:21:20 AM
[Comedy] cakemaggedon

the event when a group of 6 or less people attempt to eat an entire Costco sheet cake in one sitting.

To celebrate Kevin's birthday we planned a "cakemaggedon".

Published:2/25/2018 2:19:08 AM
[Comedy] @GrotesqueOne Can't...busy eating the box the kids came in Published:2/24/2018 1:04:18 PM
[Comedy] sleep in your eye

another word for eye boogers

Hey, you have some sleep in your eye

Published:2/24/2018 1:04:17 PM
[Comedy] Pulled a Nixon

When one is said to 'pull a Nixon', it means that s/he was in a position of power, until screwing up really bad. Facing the consequence of firing/impeachment/whatever, this person resigns to avoid this punishment, as Nixon did.

"I literally screwed the pooch and my boss was about to find out, so I pulled a Nixon".

Published:2/23/2018 8:01:59 AM
[Comedy] @FeelingEuphoric My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful Published:2/22/2018 1:13:31 PM
[Comedy] generation xerox

1. People who follow the same path/live up to the same expectations as their parents
2. People who fall into the expected stereotypes of a previous generation

They've just bought a house in the suburbs, with space for an au pair, and he's just been headhunted to the city. Total generation xerox.

Published:2/22/2018 3:54:02 AM
[Comedy] Beauty sus

The opposite of Beauty bias, where the attractiveness of a person makes you more suspicious about their true character, usually causing you to act more closed off or cold around that person than usual because of their beauty, thus the sus.

Friend: “Do you have something against them? Is there some kind of beef going on that I don’t know about?”

You: “Nothing really, I just don’t trust them. Beauty sus I guess, they’re just too hot to not be some kind of freak if you ask me.”

Published:2/21/2018 2:21:25 AM
[Comedy] deadnaming

Disrespectfully calling someone by their old name after they have changed their name. In particular, this is something done to transgender people.

"Well I've always known you as James, so I'm going to keep calling you James."
"Stop deadnaming me. My name is Jamie."

Published:2/20/2018 2:01:01 AM
[Comedy] @Dawn_M_ Who wants to date me. We will look at online menus but no talking or kissing. Published:2/20/2018 1:18:09 AM
[Comedy] Grass Money

Instead of gas money, one pays for a ride by smoking down with them instead.

Hey, want to drop me off at the office, I'll give you some grass money.

Published:2/19/2018 10:34:45 AM
[Comedy] Hair Furor

Reference to the turbulent Donald Trump and his hair based on "Der Fuehrer," AKA Adolf Hitler. A term of mockery aimed at Trump and his disorderly, chaotic and increasingly unhinged administration.

Hair Furor DonnyJohn Trumpolini thinks giving SNAP recipients dried, canned and other "shelf stable" food is better than the current setup that allows them to go the store buy food.

Published:2/17/2018 12:04:17 PM
[Comedy] like whoring

It is when you are begging for like or trying to trick people into likeing your comment to get attention.

These comments often end with something akin to "Like if you agree"

Its called like whoring because your whoring out your dignity for likes

Like whoring comment on youtube: "Omg, that was sooooo funny, like if you agree ????????"

Published:2/17/2018 12:30:08 AM
[Comedy] flexing on my ex

Showing your ex that you're better off without them

We broke up last week but i aoready got some new hoes. I'm flexing on my ex.

Published:2/15/2018 2:09:34 AM
[Comedy] @BatBatshitcrazy I have no idea what to bring to the knife fight, tater tot casserole? Published:2/14/2018 4:10:37 PM
[Comedy] @skittle624 If you invite me over and put your dog in the other room, it defeats the entire purpose of the visit. Published:2/14/2018 3:39:33 PM
[Comedy] Not actually my President

When all you hear about on the news and social media is Donald Trump and you don't live in America.

I almost never hear about any of my own country's news. All the news has been is Trump this and Trump that and he's not actually my President.

Published:2/14/2018 2:18:30 AM
[Comedy] @TrapTart For unexpected guests try serving dirty martinis made with hot dog water and rubbing alcohol Published:2/13/2018 5:58:09 PM
[Comedy] laughing off the pounds

Abbreviated as LOP, laughing off the pounds referrers to the feeling of laughing so hard it feels as if one is getting abs. is used in instant messaging, texting and other electronic communication to indicate that something is humorous, LOP can be used instead, or in place of LOL, LMAO or HAHAHA. It implies that the sender is laughing hard enough to burn a significant amount of calories so as to loose weight, thus laughing off the pounds

The video of a dancing cat was so funny that I felt as if I had lost ten pounds after laughing at it, so I sent it to my friend who replied LOP (laughing off the pounds), indicating that she felt the same as I about the dancing cat video.

Published:2/13/2018 2:25:51 AM
[Comedy] jack of all traits

A politically correct way of describing someone with multiple personality disorder

Him: WTF is up with Jill? One minute she's Marsha Brady, the next she's Brittney Spears.
Her: She's a jack of all traits.

Published:2/12/2018 2:44:07 AM
[Comedy] Flanking

When you get to work before someone and leave after them.

The only good thing about being on call for 36 hours is that I'm flanking the SHIT out of everyone.

Published:2/11/2018 2:32:43 AM
[Comedy] btfd

Buy The Fucking Dip

Apple has gone down today, best buy the fucking dip... btfd

Published:2/10/2018 2:38:14 AM
[Comedy] @Spectre_7 Just making some guacamole, or as they call it on the street, millennial caviar. Published:2/9/2018 7:00:18 PM
[Comedy] Inkremlinate

To incriminate by showing a malicious or otherwise suspicious connection to the Russian Federation, Moscow, the Kremlin, or similar things associated thereto (such as the Soviet Union).

Carter Page just inkremlinated himself.
Senator McCarthy failed to inkremlinate anyone.

Published:2/9/2018 2:23:56 AM
[Comedy] @ClichedOut i miss the 1980s when u could ignore a call without even knowing who it was Published:2/8/2018 11:23:05 PM
[Comedy] cyber pretty

You only look good online(with filters)

I'd date her, but shes just cyber pretty.

Published:2/8/2018 2:15:44 AM
[Comedy] @skickwriter People who live in glass houses should really look into buying a new home, 'cause just imagine what they spend on Windex. Published:2/7/2018 6:53:58 PM
[Comedy] Contact Shame

When you watch or see something so embarrassing that you feel embarrassed; feels like you had something to do with it.

I had real contact shame after watching a video.

Contact shame is really bad especially if you're watching with friends or family

Published:2/7/2018 3:21:07 AM
[Comedy] uncanon

Another word for unbelievable.
It’s so bad that it’s unbelievable, uncanon

“I hate cheese so much that it’s uncanon”

Published:2/6/2018 2:12:23 AM
[Comedy] unbenounced

How fucktards try to spell unbeknownst.

Unbenounced to us, he was retarded the whole time.

Published:2/5/2018 11:10:18 AM
[Comedy] @baronvonbike I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis. Published:2/4/2018 6:24:23 PM
[Comedy] Blueterus

The female equivalent of blue balls.

I tried to lez out with a straight girl at Disney for three days but she has a boyfriend, now I've got blueterus.

Published:2/4/2018 6:24:22 PM
[Comedy] micropretension

A statement that conveys an indirect, subtle, or unintentional affectation that is superfluous or irrelevant to the context of a conversation.

Person 1: "Did you watch that show?"
Person 2: "I don't have a TV."

Person 1: "Are you hungry?"
Person 2: "I'm a vegan."

They were subject to many acts of micropretension at the vegan restaurant.

Published:2/3/2018 2:26:52 AM
[Comedy] Boxset Boyfriend

A character you genuinely fall in love with while binge watching a series

"Did you watch Prison Break last night? T-Bag is my boxset boyfriend"

Published:2/2/2018 2:27:07 AM
[Comedy] immigrant

What every inhabitant of the USA is, except the Native Americans.

A: Dude, I fuckin hate them immigrants!
B: Well whaddaya think your great great great grand father was?

Published:2/1/2018 3:31:13 AM
[Comedy] @jumpdashark My neighbor asked me if he can borrow my electric shaver. I had many concerns about this but I lent it to him. He returned it 20 minutes later with his beard fully intact and said, "Thank you, I feel like a new man." His beard was fully intact. Published:1/31/2018 2:12:58 PM
[Comedy] i'm so down

I'll do whatever. I'm ready to do whatever you suggest. Let's get together and do something.

One person says, "sup" the other says, "I'm so down" ... meaning, I'm ready to do whatever, or let's get together.

Published:1/31/2018 2:26:39 AM
[Comedy] Shitcoin

Great ways to lose your money.

See: scam

My buddy Nick bought ETH but lost all his money because ether is a shitcoin.

Don't let clever marketing fool you. Ripple, Bitcoin Cash and Litecoin are shitcoins.

Published:1/30/2018 2:05:10 AM
[Comedy] @BoomBoomBetty Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy. Published:1/29/2018 1:22:11 PM
[Comedy] caught lacking

Being caught by the enemy without a weapon to defend yourself

Hey how did Johnny? die I heard he was caught lacking

Published:1/29/2018 2:22:27 AM
[Comedy] @BoogTweets A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching Published:1/28/2018 11:46:10 AM
[Comedy] Also true.

phrase used when the other person has proved your point wrong or otherwise contradicted you. indicates that the other person's statement is true while not conceding that your point was false.

usually said in a contemplative manner with a knowing head nod.

compare touche.

"Ooh, he his HOT! And he's TOTALLY into me."
"He's married. And I heard he has a third nipple."
"Also true."

"Abraham Lincoln was such a tool; he put people in jail for talking trash about the union!"
"yeah, but he totally ended slavery."
"Also true."

Published:1/28/2018 11:46:08 AM
[Comedy] AOL Keyword

Used in a conversation to emphasize a point.

"I don't think she knows yet."
"AOL keyword: 'yet'."

Published:1/27/2018 8:06:31 AM
[Comedy] @DothTheDoth It's the freakin weekend, read the latin from an old dusty book & become the demon you've always wanted. Published:1/26/2018 11:52:58 AM
[Comedy] presidential annulment

When a presidency is stricken from the records, all of its deeds immediately canceled, and the country goes on as if it never happened.

Don't we all wish presidential annulment was a thing right now

Published:1/26/2018 2:20:17 AM
[Comedy] Have a Presidential Dinner

Taking fast food home and eating it in bed before going to sleep. Taken from reports in the Fire and the Fury that Donald Trump often goes to bed early with a cheeseburger

I was tired out, so I decided to just go by the drive thru on the way home and have a presidential dinner.

Published:1/25/2018 2:07:58 AM
[Comedy] Jagoogala

Verb: Short hand for "Just Google It." i.e. do a google search.

How many bones are in the human body?


Published:1/24/2018 2:22:52 AM
[Comedy] Badumpa-Trump

An enormous old white man booty, likened to that of Donald Trump’s giant ass.

We have to purchase extra large adult diapers to fit grandpa’s badumpa-Trump.

Published:1/23/2018 2:24:14 AM
[Comedy] Stormy daniels

n.: When you pay off the adult film star you had an ongoing affair with but the media finds out anyway.

The morbidly obese guy in the White House just got a Stormy Daniels.

Published:1/22/2018 2:32:00 AM
[Comedy] @Jenny4ashley Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it's best to just kill yourself. Published:1/21/2018 3:33:54 PM
[Comedy] sarah huckasplain

Defending someone else's bullshit.

Tonight at 6, Sarah Huckasplains alternative facts.

Published:1/21/2018 3:33:53 PM
[Comedy] murdered out

When a vehicle has both black paint and black aftermarket wheels. The window tint should also be really dark and other aftermarket accessories such as black taillight covers etc. should aid in blacking out the ride.

That escalade is truly murdered out man.

Published:1/20/2018 3:26:11 AM
[Comedy] brain boner

Something that strikes a chord in someone's thinking, creating a spur of "enlightenment" and stimulation in knowledge, especially in subjects like philosophy & logic.

John: Hey, have you seen that recent philosophical discussion between XXX and YYY on YouTube?

Peter: Yeah, it was so good it gave me a brain boner.

Published:1/19/2018 3:23:10 AM
[Comedy] Girther

Someone who does not believe heath statistics promulgated by the government

Look at him chow down, now way he weighs an ounce under 239, Have you read any of the Girther blogs?

Published:1/18/2018 2:16:53 AM
[Comedy] executive time

Time spent alone in bed, performing unproductive activities like watching television, playing on a cell phone or masturbating.

"President Trump’s official day typically doesn’t begin until 11 A.M. and ends relatively early, around 6 P.M., to accommodate 'Executive Time.' ”

Published:1/17/2018 2:11:16 AM
[Comedy] Cancel Items

A feature added when you realize that you accidentally charged your latest purchase to the wrong card.

Scott bought his fleshlight with his Mom's credit card by mistake, so as a result he quickly clicked the Cancel Items button.

Published:1/16/2018 2:03:40 AM
[Comedy] Chankle

Chubby ankles, but not quite cankles.

My chankles won't fit in ski boots!

I am so ashamed of my chankles.

I sprained my chankle in the hot tub!

I have to order special socks to fit over my chankles.

Published:1/15/2018 8:58:30 AM
[Comedy] @ADDiane2 Do flat earthers think all the planets are flat or just earth? Published:1/14/2018 1:44:44 PM
[Comedy] trump anthem

A song you think you know all the words to, but find out quickly that you do not.

Hey man, you turned Nelly's "Country Grammar"into a real Trump anthem at the bar last night.

Published:1/14/2018 1:44:43 PM
[Comedy] shit-hole

The 45th President of The United States of America - Donald J. Trump

"Why are we having all these people from shit-hole countries come here?" Trump said, according to a Washington Post report citing two sources briefed on the meeting.

Published:1/13/2018 2:44:54 AM
[Comedy] Shithole

Trump’s mouth, often a place from whence great amounts of shit spews.

I see Trump’s shithole is at it on Twitter again.

Published:1/12/2018 2:42:58 AM
[Comedy] cannonball

A "dive" in which you hold your knees to your chest and hit the water with your fat ass with as much force as possible with the purpose of creating a gigantic splash, thus soaking everyone in the near vicinity.

That cannonball your mother just performed strangely reminded me of the movie "Deep Impact".

Published:1/11/2018 3:06:38 AM
[Comedy] beach slap

When one is struck and (usually) knocked down by a large wave. Implies losing something of value in the ocean. A derivative of 'bitch-slap'.

Man, I was bodysurfing last week and lost my glasses when I got beach slapped by a twenty-footer.

Published:1/10/2018 3:18:43 AM
[Comedy] hodl

An enthusiastic misspelling of Hold, prompting bitcoin users to avoid the temptation of selling off their coins once price starts rising.

- BTC is trading over $300 today, I'm thinking about selling...
- HODL!!!1!1ONE

Published:1/9/2018 11:44:13 PM
[Comedy] carpe piem

Never miss chance to go to the bathroom- seize the opportunity to pee.

Before a long car ride you always have to carpe piem.
We are not stopping; mommy told you to carpe piem at the last rest stop.
I don't care if you don't have to go - carpe piem is not our family motto for nothing.

Published:1/9/2018 2:18:22 AM
[Comedy] stable genius

What unstable cretins claim to be. See also, dotard.

The president, despite evidence to the contrary, tweeted confirmation that he is in fact a stable genius.

Published:1/8/2018 3:08:34 AM
[Comedy] The 11th Hour

Used to describe the final moments of a given event, or situation where change is still a possibility.

Right before a deadline.

I procrastinated all night and now, in the 11th hour, I need to work my ass off to finish this report moments before it is due.

Published:1/7/2018 3:33:35 AM
[Comedy] @Vodkantots Cats will eat you when you're dead and are therefore good for the environment. Published:1/6/2018 11:38:44 AM
[Comedy] pop a socket

A method of lighting fire using tissue, a paperclip or staple, a plastic comb, and an electrical outlet. Commonly used in prisons where smoking cigarettes is prohibited.

Thirty days in the hole. You pop a socket again and you're gonna catch an arson charge.

Published:1/6/2018 3:07:09 AM
[Comedy] nuclear button

a micropenis

Donald Trump tweeted about the size of his nuclear button

Published:1/5/2018 2:40:06 AM
[Comedy] @TweetPotato314 My New Year’s Resolution is to get Jack Black and Jack White to start a band called Jack Gray. Published:1/4/2018 7:53:35 PM
[Comedy] catch the ones

You and someone are having beef so you want to fist fight to settle out the differences.

Hey Dom if you have a problem you can catch the ones.

Published:1/4/2018 2:38:35 AM
[Comedy] @XplodingUnicorn Diet status: I spilled powdered sugar on an important document and licked it off. Published:1/3/2018 1:55:10 PM
[Comedy] Brand Dropping

Mentioning that you're wearing an expensive brand of clothing, using an expensive piece of technology, or bragging about other items that you own which are of high value. Brand Dropping is similar to name dropping, the main difference is mentioning merchandise in lieu of a person.

Jon: Dude! Watch it, if you spill that drink on my $ 350 Zegna shirt I'm gonna lose it.

Dave: Stop brand dropping Jon. No one cares what kind of shirt that is.

Published:1/3/2018 3:08:52 AM
[Comedy] tw/s*

trigger warning: suicide
the tw means trigger warning and is used for anything the could trigger someone (ex. self harm, eating disorders etc) and the / is to indicate what the trigger warning is about. the s* stands for suicide, it could also be written out s**cide

tw/s* logan paul posted an up close video of a man that hung himself.

Published:1/2/2018 5:45:16 AM
[Comedy] @BrassBallsCJ Sometimes I don't reply because I start looking at gifs and forget we were having a conversation. Published:12/31/2017 2:29:27 PM
[Comedy] come heavy

To walk in carrying a loaded weapon. From The Sopranos

You shouldn't have lunch with a Russian drug dealer unless you come heavy.

Published:12/31/2017 2:19:48 AM
[Comedy] car crotch

The rashy, matted and uncomfortable state of ones crotch after a lengthy car ride.

I don’t know about you but I’m getting real bad car crotch over here.

Published:12/30/2017 10:05:34 AM
[Comedy] Fazed

1.) When your drunk
2.) When your high

Dude we got so fazed last night

Man I'm so fazed!

Published:12/29/2017 6:25:37 AM
[Comedy] gdi

God Damn Independent, a college student that is not in a fraternity/sorority.

What frat are you in? Frat!?!?! Fuck that, I'm GDI!

Published:12/28/2017 9:11:38 AM
[Comedy] @kimtopher22 Die Hard led me to believe I'd experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve. Published:12/27/2017 10:59:06 PM
[Comedy] take a seat young skywalker

A phrase used in the Star Wars prequel Episode III Revenge of the Sith. The line is said by Mace Windu

Person 1: You're on this council but, we do not grant you the rank of Master
Person 2: What? How can you do this. This is outrageous. It's unfair. How can you be on the council and not be a Master
Person 1: Take a seat young Skywalker.
Person 2: Forgive me Master.

Published:12/27/2017 2:18:00 AM
[Comedy] cleptopenia

The unconscious theft of Pens. Also known as Cleptopenamania.

The person who steals pens from the grocery store, bank, or post office must have cleptopenia (Klep-toe-pen-ee-uh)

Published:12/26/2017 3:19:41 AM
[Comedy] @robfee If your boyfriend proposed on Christmas it was just so he didnt have to buy you a present. Give him back the ring until he gets you a Kohls gift card. Published:12/25/2017 11:45:10 AM
[Comedy] Published:12/25/2017 9:44:46 AM
[Comedy] Da Vinci

1. implies a conspiracy, like a conspiracy theorist. In reference to the book "The Da Vinci Code."

2. a reference to Leonardo da Vinci: scientist, inventor, and artist.

3. to hack or grok.

1. "I don't mean to start getting all Da Vinci..."

2. Da Vinci was a genius of the Enlightenment.

3. "I da vinci my muthafuken way through school."

Published:12/25/2017 3:11:16 AM
[Comedy] deface

To remove a 'friendship' from facebook due to having either accidentily adding him/her as a friend or actually adding them and reconsidering later.

"Yeah, there was this guy in my network who added me. I thought he looked ok, but his updates were really cramping my news feed, so I had to deface him."

"I went on a date with a girl I met a week before and like the day after our date she changed her status to 'in a relationship.' I defaced her."

Published:12/24/2017 3:11:14 AM
[Comedy] @ficklenuts *gets holy water enema *waits for god to bless the shit out of me Published:12/23/2017 10:05:17 PM
[Comedy] SMIDSY

An acronym -

"Sorry Mate, I Didn't See You" is a common excuse given by cagers in car-motorcycle accidents.

I had my first smidsy yesterday at the junction..

Published:12/23/2017 3:27:40 AM
[Comedy] bananaficiary

The person to whom you give your bananas once they are too ripe for you.

I'm Jeanette's bananaficiary. Once her bananas lose all their green color, she gives them to me!

Published:12/22/2017 2:53:34 AM
[Comedy] @morninggloria Damn boy are you Minnesota because people say you’re nice but most of the time you’re really just cold Published:12/21/2017 2:51:11 PM
[Comedy] Google Girlfriend

An imaginary girlfreind whom one would brag about to his friends and use a picture of "said girl" from google.

Richard: Hey guys look at my girlfriend!
Brett: Cool! shes good looking where is she from?
Richard: Google
Brett: So she is a google girlfriend?

Published:12/21/2017 2:51:10 PM
[Comedy] mac daddy

The pimp-meister, the king of the streetwalkers, possessor of the blingest of bling-bling. The mac daddy is the man who means everything (and the only man who really means anything) to his ladies of the night.

"Oh baby - you ma mac daddy!"

Published:12/20/2017 9:49:02 AM
[Comedy] courtesy fart

When someone accidentally farts and is embarrased, you should, if you have one ready, let one fly as well. This is a courtesy fart.
This is an opportune time for you to release since then the two fart smells will interfere and no one will discover how unbelievibly nasty your ass is.

Boris farted as he bent over to pick up his shuttlecock at the badminton tournament. Shung Fe felt so bad for him that he offered up a courtesy fart. Unfortunately Shung Fe's rice and eggnoodle fart could not completely mask the liverwurst and vodka fart from Boris, and everyone had to leave the court for 15 minutes.

Published:12/19/2017 3:05:30 AM
[Comedy] gu

Acronym for "geographically undesirable."

"Great guy and all, but totally gu -- he lives all the way in Boerum Hill!"

Published:12/18/2017 3:29:38 AM
[Comedy] @squirrel74wkgn I put a huge smile on the snowman in my front yard and faced him towards the neighbor’s bedroom window. Published:12/17/2017 12:23:41 PM
[Comedy] @AndrewNadeau0 Money can’t buy happiness. You have to buy stuff. Then the stuff makes you happy. Published:12/17/2017 11:23:46 AM
[Comedy] Transitive Property

1. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. Used in Geometry.

2. If Person A hooks up with Person B, and Person B hooks up with person C, person A has hooked up with person C. This property is hated by most high school/college age persons.

3. Definition 2, as a verb. To hook up with someone by the transitive property.

1. Angle XYZ is congruent to angle BAC by the transitive property.

2. I got with Dana yesterday, she got with Joe the day before... Now I've hooked up with Joe by the transitive property... damn.

3. We all unknowingly pulled a massive transitive property by hooking up with Julie.

Published:12/17/2017 3:22:39 AM
[Comedy] Man Stand

The act of a man standing outside a shop while his wife/girlfriend/partner shops inside. Man Standing involves looking into space, at other women, or in the case of multi story shopping centers, leaning on the railings of an upper floor watching the people below.

Ive been doing the Man Stand outside New Look for an hour!

Published:12/16/2017 8:49:16 PM
[Comedy] We out here

A statement referring to how a specific group of people are "out here" in the streets trying to make a living. Commonly used by Toronto and New York gangstas.

Gangsta 1: "I jus sold a G for 40$"
Gangsta 2: "Jheez we out here"

Published:12/16/2017 1:46:09 AM
[Comedy] @Ra_Bies I may seem like a blunt, unforgiving & unkind person but I must tell you from deep inside, I'm very cruel too Published:12/14/2017 8:35:36 PM
[Comedy] sucks mad ween

When something sucks SO MUCH. Like it VIOLENTLY SUCKS. Like when you have a pop quiz that sucks MAD WEEN and when you trip in front of the whole school that sucks MAD ween

"My Chem class sucks MAD WEEN I have no friends in it and the kid behind me smells like the dog aisle in Walmart"

Published:12/14/2017 8:35:35 PM
[Comedy] simpin

When a guy or girl are sprung on someone or something.

Damn that girl I met last night's got me simpin.

Published:12/11/2017 4:54:48 AM
[Comedy] @JohnFugelsang And on his death bed, he realized his 1 great regret in life was not spending hundreds more hours playing Candy Crush Saga. Published:12/10/2017 4:58:38 AM
[Comedy] Youse

Second Person Plural.
A grammatical necessity which is sadly lacking in the English Language.
French has "vous" (informal and formal)
and German has "ihr" (informal) and Sie (formal).

The southern USA version is "you all"

Youse are too many to all get into the one car.

Published:12/10/2017 4:58:34 AM
[Comedy] levidrome

A word that when spelled backwards, turns into a different yet valid english word. They always come in pairs, for obvious reasons. Similar to a palindrome, but with different words instead of the same.

Maps <-> spaM

Desserts <-> stresseD

desserts and stressed are a pair of Levidromes.

Published:12/9/2017 7:58:57 AM
[Comedy] Bands

One thousand dollars

Bands a make her dance -Juicy J

Published:12/8/2017 2:12:13 AM
[Comedy] @InternetHippo Witnesses gasp as I heroically reach into the raging fire to rescue what appears to be a small animal but turns out to be my phone Published:12/7/2017 11:13:58 AM
[Comedy] high key

when somethin needs to be said outloud so every can here; opposite of low key

aye high key tho, that female is extra fine

Published:12/7/2017 2:35:33 AM
[Comedy] Boonk

The act of finessing someone of their personal belongings; The attempt to purchase an item, but deciding to run away without paying for the item;

"Oh my goodness! I just got boonked by that man!"

"Tonight, we are going to boonk the corner store."


Published:12/6/2017 2:34:28 AM
[Comedy] Double Cup

Double cup. Two cups stacked on each other, filled to the brim with a cocktail consisting of promethazine and codeine syrup, candy (usually Jolly Ranchers, or Skittles), ice, and a softdrink of choice (Sprite, Fanta, etc.)

"Po'up in my double cup."

Published:12/5/2017 8:58:07 AM
[Comedy] bozophobe

A bozophobe is someone who is afraid of clowns either jokingly or seriously. Some people pretend to be afraid of clowns or make claims that they were afraid of clowns as children. This all falls under the category of Bozophobia. If one is afraid of clowns they may be deemed bozophobic.

Person 1: "Oh my god, like.. I totally hate clowns!"
Person 2: "Dude, you're bein' a bozophobe."

Published:12/4/2017 1:40:37 PM
[Comedy] VOCD

"Volume Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder"
Function: Noun

A psychoneurotic disorder in which the television viewer is beset with obsessions or compulsions or both to adjust the volume on the television to a "perfect" number, such as 15, 20, 25, etc. and suffers extreme anxiety or depression through failure to adjust the volume or witnessing an "imperfect" number (9, 16, 31).

Joe has VOCD; he must adjust the volume on any television in which it is not set to a perfect number.

Published:12/3/2017 3:11:52 AM
[Comedy] @rickygervais I believe that some people really believe that a god made the universe. And I believe that some people really believe there is an afterlife. But I don't believe that some people really believe the Earth is flat. It seems like attention seeking. Hipst Published:12/2/2017 1:40:50 PM
[Comedy] trickle up economics

The financial principle of bleeding the poor and middle class of any expendable income (and some necessary income) so they cannot buy anything, thus impacting the government-supported mega-corporations and lending institutions, requiring Republican idiots to give them more money to continue their financial destruction of the United States. Amen.

A: Did you hear about AIG? Another quintessential example of trickle up economics.
B: Is my bank account safe?
A: About as safe as a $3 gallon of gas.
B: So, not that safe? I'm not sure what you're saying.
A: Oh, I'm just joking around with you.
A&B together: Aaaaaaahahahahahah.

Published:12/2/2017 2:07:18 AM
[Comedy] @DothTheDoth As your goth physcologist, I urge you to embrace your nightmares & always be close to a forest you can disappear into. Published:12/1/2017 3:03:11 PM
[Comedy] fax potato

A person who faxes from one floor to another instead of getting up and running the information because they're too lazy to get out of their chair.

Dilbert, over in Engineering, is such a fax potato. He sent me 15 faxes this week. What, he can't leave his office to run me a READABLE spec sheet?

Published:12/1/2017 3:29:58 AM
[Comedy] @McJesse 300,000,000 sources close to Trump say he's showing signs of dementia. Published:11/30/2017 1:58:21 PM
[Comedy] ghostlighting

A hybrid of ghosting and gaslighting. Ceasing all communication with someone and then, when they attempt to contact you, pretending like you have no idea who they are or what they are talking about.

John: "Guys, did you hear what Christina did?"
Catherine: "No, what?"
John: "She was too chicken sh*t to quit her job, so she just didn't show up and then when her boss, Will, called her, she acted like she didn't know who he was!"
Catherine: "Oh, wow, she's totally ghostlighting that dude, eh?"

Published:11/30/2017 2:22:44 AM
[Comedy] @SnizzleFrizzle I can hear you swallowing from across the room you irritating piece of SHIT - marriage Published:11/30/2017 12:29:27 AM
[Comedy] Digging you heavy

Interested in you a great amount.

I'm digging you heavy young lady.

Published:11/29/2017 2:16:13 AM
[Comedy] fuckshit

unexplainable lame ass shit

That's some fuckshit! Or This is some fuckshit!

Published:11/28/2017 2:11:09 AM
[Comedy] speak on that

A phrase that entails the other speaker in the conversation to elaborate on their point. It is usually used to propel the energy of the conversation. Similar to the phrases "dayuum", "sheeeet" and "preach brotha"

"You're so fucking dumb that you think "Mytosis" is another way to refer to your own toes.
"ooooh damn speak on that"

Published:11/27/2017 2:05:31 AM
[Comedy] @Bluestmoon_ The difference between my house at 62° and my house at 65° is about 7,000 degrees Published:11/26/2017 6:05:55 PM
[Comedy] @drewtoothpaste "10-4" is not some kind of secret code. it's a subtraction problem the police have been trying to solve for decades Published:11/26/2017 5:41:14 PM
[Comedy] Poot

Word describing a brief flatulatory experience. (Farting)

Excuse me, I just pooted.

Published:11/26/2017 2:28:55 AM
[Comedy] Shanksgiving

Thanksgiving in jail.

Bobo had a bummer of a Shanksgiving in jail, but at least he didn’t get shanked.

Published:11/25/2017 2:22:09 AM
[Comedy] @C00LpenNAME I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name Published:11/24/2017 1:17:48 PM
[Comedy] belly nipple

a outie belly button

bruh, belly nipples are so gross.
belly nipple?
an outie belly button

Published:11/24/2017 3:15:36 AM
[Comedy] office rage

noun; A fit of violent anger by an office worker due to nonperformance by equipment. Normally directed at printers, computers, phones, etc. Similar to: road rage.

The printer is jammed and Susan has a meeting in 10 minutes. She's got a horrible case of office rage today.

Published:11/23/2017 3:09:11 AM
[Comedy] @Man_Ona_Ledge If we start watching a netflix series together U aren’t allowed to watch it,ever, without me. - Women Published:11/22/2017 11:35:26 AM
[Comedy] Sassterhood

Where a group of girls have all been through relationships with fuckboy bellends and decide to no longer be a rug for them to walk on. They form a group where together, they constantly encourage each other to take no shit from insignificant others that are not worth their time. This is done via group chat or weekly lunches.

I wouldn't mess with that sassterhood if I were you...

Published:11/22/2017 2:35:20 AM
[Comedy] @Canadian_Cutie_ Netflix and don't touch me with your feet Published:11/21/2017 8:08:36 PM
[Comedy] cobra yawn

The involuntary spraying of saliva while yawning. Much like the venom spray from a cobra. In most cases the yawner doesn't realized it has happened only finding the aftermath once the yawn is over.

I just cobra yawned all over my keyboard five minutes prior to writing this definition.

Published:11/21/2017 3:33:08 AM
[Comedy] apply for a mutual

follow someone on twitter in hopes of them following you back, thus becoming mutuals.

when i first saw your account, i thought you were cool, so i thought i'd apply for a mutual.

Published:11/20/2017 2:30:35 AM
[Comedy] @Boba_Photo She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them. Published:11/20/2017 12:57:20 AM
[Comedy] @LoveMyScionFRS Went to the casino with $100, left with $104. Baller. Published:11/19/2017 12:22:32 PM
[Comedy] The Floor is Lava

1. A multiplayer game in which one person yells, "The floor is lava!" and all other players must comply and find higher ground to get to. Anywhere but the floor is safe and if players stay on the floor, then they are painfully burned to death. The floor becomes safe only when the player that called "lava" recalls that the floor has solidified and is safe to walk upon.

2. An utterance that causes absolute havoc when shouted. The equivalent of yelling "Fire" in a crowded theater, but perfectly legal and much more fun.

"When my friend yelled the floor is lava, I jumped on top of him to save myself and he burned to death."

Published:11/19/2017 2:19:56 AM
[Comedy] Going Screensaver

When you notice a coworker spacing out, or dozing off in a meeting.

“Check it out, look at Joe. He’s going screensaver.”

Published:11/18/2017 3:16:04 AM
[Comedy] Old slippers

The genitals of a past significant other that after consideration and comparison are the ones you love the most

"My girpelfriend said she missed my old slippers"

Published:11/16/2017 3:26:24 AM
[Comedy] ESKETIT

Lil Pump's favorite word. It has many meanings like getting money, get lit, turn up, or "let's get it"

"Ayee this music lit"

Lil Pump: "ESKETIT"

Published:11/15/2017 2:44:39 AM
[Comedy] conversation walling

When you're trying to make a conversation with a girl/guy you met recently, either A) online B) via text message or C) in person, and she/he responds to any of your questions with blank stares, one letter text messages using the words: oh, cool, or nice, or nothing at all until you have to try to change the subject.

Ron: so do you have any brothers or sister?
Emily: Yes
~4 minute delay~
Ron: Are you the oldest?
Emily: No
~2 minute delay~
Ron: So how was your day?
~2 minute delay~
Emily: Ok
Ron: Are you conversation walling me on purpose?
Emily: What?
Ron: I think I'd have a better conversation with a brick wall.

Published:11/14/2017 3:37:19 AM
[Comedy] Brain Spurs

brain spurs. noun. a medical term referring to fatty growths in the cerebral cortex causing difficulty speaking, limited vocabulary, lying, laziness caused by being born rich

Trump got a deferment from Vietnam due to his Brain Spurs.

Published:11/13/2017 2:00:29 AM
[Comedy] paggro

to be passively aggressive towards someone

Driver: Grr. That guy is totally riding my bumper. I'm going to drive slower.
Passenger2: Way to get paggro on his ass.

Published:11/12/2017 2:25:33 AM
[Comedy] @Whatever__cc I think everyone should get the opinion of at least 10 kindergartners before posting a selfie. Published:11/11/2017 8:28:21 PM
[Comedy] @St4ck_Overflow If I only had a few hours left to live and I could go anywhere in the world, I'd definitely go to the Hospital Published:11/11/2017 8:49:16 AM
[Comedy] Smartphone dead leg

The loss of feeling in the legs due to prolonged smartphone use whilst sitting down, in particular on the toilet.

"Whoa candy crush just gave me mad smartphone dead leg on that last poo break!"

Published:11/11/2017 3:20:29 AM
[Comedy] blind cite

A citation to some authority where it is clear the author has either not read, or fails to comprehend on a basic level, the cited authority.

Jeff regularly cites to articles that directly contradict his premise. One could say his blind cite is 20/20.

Published:11/10/2017 2:11:59 AM
[Comedy] @ParasiteHilton *buys swiss cheese, donuts, pineapple rings, and Cheerios* Clerk: Thanks for shopping at Hole Foods! *food falls through bottom of bag* Published:11/10/2017 12:10:04 AM
[Comedy] collecting receipts

taking screenshots/pictures/video/any form of footage or audio to be used against someone. like when an lawyer provides evidence in court.

"Girl, I was collecting receipts on what's going on between her and Bob."
"Oooooh, I want to see!"

Published:11/9/2017 2:05:03 AM
[Comedy] @panmidwest if marvel movies have taught me one thing it’s that whenever you see an older white guy with a mustache it’s stan lee Published:11/8/2017 5:45:23 PM
[Comedy] Emily Axford and Brian K. Murphy are the Married Masterminds Behind ‘Hot Date’ Emily Axford is happily married, but she’s willing to put herself right back into those painful days of dating, just to make people laugh. Published:11/8/2017 6:00:36 AM
[Comedy] Schrödinger's Text

The philosophical thought exercise used by men and women, waiting for a text that states "If you turn your phone off the text is both received and not received untill you turn it back on and see". This thought exercise is exceptionally useful when you are waiting and obsessing over a text.

Person 1 "hey aren't you waiting on a text? Why is your phone off"

Person 2 "schrödinger's text. If I have my phone off I don't know if that hot girl in chem class replied to my dinner invite and as a result I can't worry about not getting a reply."

Person 1 " wow just grow a pair"

Published:11/8/2017 2:27:39 AM
[Comedy] trump bump

The painful knot on your forehead that develops from repeatedly banging your head against the wall out of frustration, disbelief and/or abject horror at Trump's inability to form complete thoughts & sentences, tell the truth, treat people with respect, etc etc etc. (Basically anything he does)

"Dude, your Trump bump looks wicked"
"Yeah, I just listened to his latest thoughts on the Russian hack. I'm seeing double and have to repair the living room wall again."

Published:11/7/2017 2:22:09 AM
[Comedy] @ObscureAaron Rich people who don't use their swimming pools confuse me. "Oh, hello. Would you like to look at my box in the ground, filled with water?" Published:11/6/2017 5:52:06 PM
[Comedy] posse

your crew, your hommies, a group of friends, people who may or may not have your back

me an' my posse gonna hang tonite

Published:11/6/2017 3:14:50 AM
[Comedy] @Henry_3000 Men are much better secret keepers than women mainly because they weren't really listening to begin with. Published:11/5/2017 5:45:47 AM
[Comedy] gangsta lean

A common driving position in which the driver holds the wheel with his left hand while leaning to his right toward the passenger seat, usually bobbing his head or bumpin' with the beat. It's a pretty badass way to drive. This move works best in a Chevy Caprice or any pimp-style car with a 3-person front seat.

"...with a hellafied gangsta lean, gettin' funky on da mike like an ol' bunch of collard greens..." -Snoop Dogg

Sammy was gangsta leanin' so hard yesterday that his head was partially out the passenger window. What a pimp.

Published:11/5/2017 3:08:23 AM

i really like you but i'm too scared to tell you

person 1: hey IRLYBITSTTY
person 2: oh what?
person 1: oh nothing :)

Published:11/4/2017 2:30:37 AM
[Comedy] interrogatories

A list of questions that you must answer truthfully or else you're fucked.

The Plaintiff was required to answer the Defendant's interrogatories

Published:11/3/2017 11:45:31 AM
[Comedy] scheissegeist

From the German for "shit" + "ghost" (scheisse + geist): the smell left over in the bathroom.

Terry, please open the window when you poop. You need to let the scheissegeist out.

Published:11/2/2017 6:48:52 AM
[Comedy] @shutupmikeginn my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town Published:11/1/2017 3:46:39 PM
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