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Comedy


[Comedy] tgiaf

1. acronym for "Thank God Its Almost Friday", word is only usually used on thursday.

hey Craig guess what?
What?
TGIAF!!!

Published:10/16/2017 4:28:37 AM
[Comedy] @EthanDolan Do u ever wonder what the cavemen would think about the things we stress about nowadays? Published:10/15/2017 11:51:29 AM
[Comedy] @owillis If we want gun legislation to pass we should tell Republicans the 2nd is the Obama amendment. Published:10/15/2017 11:21:54 AM
[Comedy] tinfoil hat

1. A hat made from kitchen aluminum foil or other pliable metallic substance, with the supposed purpose of shielding the wearer's brain from mind control/surveillance by various supernatural or conspirital organizations.

2. Pertaining to various supernatural or conspirital phenomena.

Mike is still talking about space aliens? He must have left his tinfoil hat at home.

Published:10/15/2017 4:21:03 AM
[Comedy] yesternight

Yesterday night.

So, what happened yesternight, anyway?

Published:10/14/2017 2:12:54 AM
[Comedy] disastrophe

A combination of the words 'disaster' and 'catastrophe' indicating a very serious and very tragic event. A tragedy of epic proportions.

The flood was a disastrophe for that region of the United States.

Published:10/13/2017 2:36:38 AM
[Comedy] @iscoff Remember when nightmares used to be bad? Now they're a fun escape from the awake times. I love the giant spider with acid spit Published:10/12/2017 12:08:19 PM
[Comedy] talmbout

1. a conjuction of the words talking & about
2. refering to; asking a question
3. Yelled at broads when leaving the club to see whats poppin
4.to plot or scheme

1. As nicole walked out of chris's house, he yelled "what u talmbout?!?!?!?
2. What yall talmbout?
3. When Chris & D-rock saw some fat butt chicks leaving the club drunk, they holler'ed "yall aint talmbout it".

Published:10/12/2017 4:32:48 AM
[Comedy] @1followernodad it's hilarious that are men walking around w/ their fragile wrinkled up gross hairy ballsacks being like "this is the source of my power." Published:10/11/2017 6:58:58 PM
[Comedy] @DaveKingThing “no you don’t understand the president is like REALLY crazy now” - a different investigative report that comes out every 3 weeks Published:10/11/2017 4:28:26 PM
[Comedy] Bloje

Noun; a blowjob

yo trace you didn't tell me you got a bloje from peyton last weekend.

Published:10/11/2017 2:25:12 AM
[Comedy] Fucktickeling

Tickeling as a form of foreplay

I really like this guys ross - everything is going great but he is into fucktickeling and it’s just not my bag

Published:10/10/2017 2:18:28 AM
[Comedy] emergency bacon

This is bacon which is hidden from normal usage such that, in the event of a bad day, a party, or a zombie apocalypse, it is readily available to save the day and improve morale. Usually this is kept in a separate freezer apart from the one in your kitchen. It can also be hidden in the main freezer using grocery bags, or by hiding down at the bottom where it is hard to reach. The end goal is that the bacon is hidden and forgotten from normal usage but, when you really need it, you remember it is there and can still have bacon.
This also can lead to having to double up on grocery purchases of bacon to replenish your normal supply, plus the emergency bacon ration.

"Oh man, I've had a rough day at work, and just need some bacon to cheer me up."
"But we're out, we used up our bacon on Saturday with a big breakfast, and I haven't had time to grocery shop".
"Wait! We still have the emergency bacon, let's open that up!"

Published:10/9/2017 3:43:36 AM
[Comedy] do the dash

Going high speed in a car.

"Im bout to do the dash, the 5'0 behind us"

Published:10/8/2017 2:05:18 AM
[Comedy] Distractivated

Being actively distracted in such a way that it activates ideas that motivate or inspire.

Brooke- what's up Pammy? You seem distracted?
Pamela- nah brookie I'm distractivated, I just came up with a new word.

"I was so distractivated at work today, I had the perfect idea for Rhys's birthday"

Published:10/7/2017 2:29:30 AM
[Comedy] boysplaining

Mansplaining, but more immature.

15 Year Old Boysplaining Feminism

Published:10/6/2017 2:25:13 AM
[Comedy] @miel therapy is actually pretty cheap if you think of it as buying someone's silence Published:10/5/2017 11:49:38 AM
[Comedy] ask me out boots

Much tamer than "Fuck me boots" because the heel is shorter and less spikey. It is merely an invitation to ask me out and see how it goes. While less sexy than FMB they are much sexier than "Ignore me boots".

Dude, did you see Amy today? She has her ask me out boots on, I think I will.

Published:10/5/2017 11:49:36 AM
[Comedy] Dunning-Hitler effect

The tendency for countries that believe they are immune to fascism to be especially susceptible to its rise.

The popularity of Geert Wilders is an example of the Dunning-Hitler effect in its early stages.

Donald Trump's presidency is an example of the Dunning-Hitler effect.

Published:10/4/2017 6:49:35 AM
[Comedy] horngry

Hungry and Horny at the same time.

Homer Simpson is in a purpetual state of horngryness.

Published:10/3/2017 2:36:21 AM
[Comedy] Kush Mama

Nickname for someone awesome who always comes in hot with the weedz.

Kush Mama has got it going on!

Published:10/2/2017 2:28:26 AM
[Comedy] Girlfriend Vibes

A type of sales technique that involves flattery and flirtation. The technique is effective at giving value and power to the salesperson's suggestions and compliments, thus resulting in a larger sale.

The most extreme example of this would be an exotic dancer, making you feel like she likes you so you'll come back for another dance. It exists, however, at lesser degrees, especially at smaller, boutique-y, bougie stores.

Their face cream doesn't actually cure acne, they just use girlfriend vibes to sell it. I bought a year's supply.

Published:10/1/2017 2:22:14 AM
[Comedy] birth my food baby

Taking a shit.

Guys, Imma need half an hour to birth my food baby.

Published:9/30/2017 2:15:20 AM
[Comedy] Stepdad Bod

A guy who allowed the passing of time to ravage his once great physique but eventually decided to lay off the beers and do a little bit of lifting to attract Cougars like your mom.

"Bro, you have to hit the gym, your starting to get a dad bod."
"You see these guns? I got a stepdad bod, at least!"

Published:9/29/2017 3:10:41 AM
[Comedy] sound byte hoe

Anyone who only gets on tv to give a worthless opinion about a major topic just to be relevant

45 will do and say anything about sports but refuses to address real issues. He's such a sound byte hoe.

Published:9/28/2017 2:03:39 AM
[Comedy] betrumped

Old word (approx 1600s) for swindled.

I've been betrumped! He cheated me out of winning the election.

Published:9/27/2017 2:27:45 AM
[Comedy] @nachosarah nothing has proven more that the news thrives on instilling fear & anxiety in us than the constant stories about the kardashians reproducing Published:9/27/2017 1:57:03 AM
[Comedy] @KrangTNelson I ate some weed caramels earlier today and just said "thank you" to a closed door a full minute after the food delivery guy left Published:9/27/2017 1:26:16 AM
[Comedy] Nambia

The world's top exporter of covfefe.

Nambia's health system is increasingly self-sufficient.

Published:9/26/2017 2:16:38 AM
[Comedy] virtual date

When you and someone else watch a movie together without physically being together. All you need is a laptop, and/or tablet, a phone, and a friend with the same materials. Once you have the materials just find a movie on the device you both like then call each other on the phone and watch simultaneously. Feel free to talk and comment on the movie via cell :)

"Man i wish we could go see a movie"
well why don't we just have a virtual date?
"sure ill get my computer and pull up Netflix".

Published:9/25/2017 2:11:12 AM
[Comedy] @NoahGarfinkel Donald Trump is the least complicated President in history. There are like four things about him in total. Published:9/24/2017 2:39:22 PM
[Comedy] thought itch

It's a thought that is on the tip of your tongue but can't remember it.

I have a thought itch I can't remember.

Published:9/24/2017 2:33:47 AM
[Comedy] Dotard

An aging individual who has long lost the ability to make rational sense.

That dotard is going to get us all blown up, if he doesn't calm down .

Published:9/23/2017 2:26:54 AM
[Comedy] @AbbyHasIssues I threw old kale under my feeder and now the chipmunks are walking around in yoga pants and requesting coconut water. Published:9/22/2017 4:26:32 PM
[Comedy] @existentialcoms The year is 2056. Elon Musk is Space King. He owns space. Everyone lives in spaceships and have to pay him if they want to piss into space. Published:9/22/2017 11:52:23 AM
[Comedy] Cigarettiquette

"Cigarette Etiquette"

The customary code of polite behaviour in society among smokers, with particular regard to cigarettes.

Examples:
- Offering a cigarette or lighter without being asked
- Passing an ashtray to a fellow smoker
- Properly extinguishing a cigarette to prevent a smouldering ashtray
- Being generous with tobacco and accessories regardless of payment offers

- Offering to pay when asking for a cigarette

- Leaving the last cigarette for the owner of the packet
- Respecting the lucky cigarette
- Respecting the space of non-smokers

"Hey, that's my last dart, where's your Cigarettiquette?"
"Dead guy Bryan doesn't take Cynthia's last smoke because he observes good Cigarettiquette"

Published:9/22/2017 2:22:26 AM
[Comedy] lap error

When your receiving a lap dance from one persons or two , and they release bodily fluid on your legs. Typically common in places like concerts, strip clubs, and house party's.

Dude, last night with Jessica she made a lap error!

Published:9/21/2017 2:13:59 AM
[Comedy] tea off

When you and a friend compete to drink as many twisted teas as possible in one sitting.

"Yo Kyle, we're f*cking having a tea off on saturday."

Published:9/20/2017 2:07:34 AM
[Comedy] @MelvinofYork I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid Published:9/19/2017 11:04:15 AM
[Comedy] click itch

An everlasting feeling of need to start clicking, usually on social sites such as Facebook, Instagram, Google, Pinterest, etc.

I can't stop searching Pinterest, I've got a click itch.

Published:9/19/2017 2:30:56 AM
[Comedy] yassderday

When something really great happened the day prior.

Person #1: Last night's party was lit!

Person #2: Yaaassss, yassderday's party was soooo liiittt

Published:9/18/2017 2:24:04 AM
[Comedy] hirp

A Hiccup burp.

The painful eruption of gas flowing up the esophagus, while simultaneously hiccuping.

Josh: "arghhaaaaHhhs"
Justin: "wtf was that?"
Josh: "oh you know, I HIRPED."

Published:9/17/2017 2:17:08 AM
[Comedy] IYKWIM

Acronym. Stands for "If you know what I mean". Mainly used in instant messaging conversations. Can also be used in conjunction with "AITYD" (and I think you do).

"I could really go for a tossed salad for lunch."

"Oh, I've got a salad for you to toss, IYKWIM...AITYD."

Published:9/16/2017 4:12:15 AM
[Comedy] Lent Trap

/l?nt træp/ noun

In couples where one party is Catholic and the other is not, the unwilling subjection of the non-Catholic to the 40-day ritual of penitence known as Lent.

1. We were going to have dinner at this great new steak place on Friday night, but Joe's got me stuck in a Lent Trap.

2. My wife Jane decided to give up sex for Lent. Worst. Lent Trap. Ever.

Published:9/15/2017 4:38:16 AM
[Comedy] Cruzing

Looking for porn on Twitter. Bonus points if you get caught "liking" one of the posts and blame it on a hack, then on a staffer.

I understand the problems the country currently faces, but I plan to spend the night Cruzing.

Published:9/14/2017 3:03:07 AM
[Comedy] @Pundamentalism It's so sad that 100% of married snails live in separate houses. Published:9/13/2017 3:10:08 PM
[Comedy] dinner reprise

A heady way to say leftovers

Mom, I'm sick of leftovers. Don't think of them as leftovers but as a "dinner reprise".

Published:9/13/2017 2:57:13 AM
[Comedy] Gasterbation

It's when you beat the gas nossle on the tank to get all the gas out.

He used gasterbation to get all gas out.

Published:9/12/2017 2:21:19 AM
[Comedy] a small loan

A million dollars.

My father gave me a small loan.

Published:9/11/2017 8:21:28 AM
[Comedy] cospainting

Cosplaying in a suit but instead of a mask, you use facepaint.

Oh, wow, dude! Look at the guy cospainting as Bonnie the Bunny!

Published:9/10/2017 3:02:59 AM
[Comedy] Hush Puppie Highway

Walking. esp when you have no car or your car is not working or your ride left you.

no one wanted to pick me up so I had to take the hush puppie highway.

Published:9/9/2017 4:33:17 AM
[Comedy] global warmer

A sports utility vehicle or other large truck-vehicle that spews an attrocious amount of toxins into the atmosphere, particularly apropos if the owner has no need for an off-road vehicle and would never even dream of driving it on a gravel parking lot for fear he would ding his paint.

I can't believe Scott bought a Hummer. Why on Earth does that asshole need a global warmer?

Published:9/8/2017 4:08:20 AM
[Comedy] clickskreig

To engage in war using false news and propaganda with scandalous and intriguing "clickbait" titles and links.

Russian intelligence is engaged in a clickskreig to degrade western democracies.

Published:9/7/2017 2:27:59 AM
[Comedy] Burp snarf

Is to burp then sneeze then fart at the same time

I will burp snarf at your face

Published:9/6/2017 2:16:34 AM
[Comedy] @Ygrene [my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth [me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL Published:9/5/2017 7:06:52 PM
[Comedy] @MikeMcNeil_ Maybe your dog is barking at my bag because he doesn’t want to work in law enforcement anymore. Published:9/5/2017 5:06:23 PM
[Comedy] Braveass

Another word for Commando. To describe the act of not wearing any underwear under your pants.

Are you brave enough to go Braveass?

Published:9/5/2017 2:01:44 AM
[Comedy] dickjillion

69 to the 69th power; slang for "a lot"

I took some aspirin and now my headache is a dickjillion times better!

Published:9/4/2017 2:27:50 AM
[Comedy] drain the granny out of it

Draining the granny out of something is when you get every little last bit.

*person who is known for taking large sips* "hey ,can I have a sip of your drink?"
*person with drink* "sure but don't drain the granny out of it"

Published:9/3/2017 2:21:21 AM
[Comedy] Trumpmosphere

Releasing negative and or toxic energy into the open

Ever since he began his campaign for Presidency , Mr. Trump has consistently polluted our minds, and atmosphere at large with his negative and toxic comments about minorities, women, and other groups. He is the key contributor to negative energy in the Trumpmosphere.

Published:9/2/2017 2:13:15 AM
[Comedy] Fap Rotation

The act of cycling between multiple different fap materials in order to avoid becoming desensitized to any of them. Similar to how farmers cycle the crops they plant in order to keep the soil full of nutrients.

I have a fap rotation system involving my favorite episodes from a hentai.

Published:9/1/2017 2:06:26 AM
[Comedy] @primawesome I miss the days when we were free from the burden of carrying a computer everywhere and opinions could only go as far as people could yell. Published:8/31/2017 7:34:18 PM
[Comedy] @Donna_McCoy Make her smile by whispering those 3 magic words: "You're not fat." Published:8/31/2017 12:04:02 PM
[Comedy] Exclamation pants

What happens in one's pants when they see something sexy and aren't afraid to hide it.

Seeing that foxy girl turned my trousers into exclamation pants.

Published:8/31/2017 2:29:59 AM
[Comedy] @AndrewNadeau0 Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog. Published:8/31/2017 12:30:14 AM
[Comedy] @vineyille Stabbings are at an all time low. And as the mayor of Knife City, I accept full responsibility. This is not who we are. We're stabfolk. Published:8/30/2017 11:59:19 PM
[Comedy] vacationship

A long-distance relationship in which the couple only gets together for idyllic vacation-like excursions, therefore avoiding the "real-life" issues of dating.

"She met this guy online last summer, but he lives in Austin and doesn't want to move, so they've struck up this very intense vacationship."

Published:8/30/2017 2:28:27 PM
[Comedy] Murphy's Locker room Law

When you select a locker in an empty locker room, the next person coming back to their locker will be right next to yours. If they happen to enter at the exact moment you're putting on your underwear, then their locker will be on the opposite side of you and they'll have to shuffle by uncomfortably close.

Me: (putting on underwear in the locker room)
Next guy: oh hi, I need to slip past you to get to my locker; hope you don't mind.
Me: No problem; it's Murphy's Locker room Law.
Next guy & Me: chuckle chuckle chuckle

Published:8/29/2017 2:21:23 AM
[Comedy] league skimmer

a person that goes out with people way out of their league

Harry is a league skimmer because he goes/ went out with jen.

Published:8/28/2017 4:12:24 AM
[Comedy] @thetigersez You know that feeling when you really really want pizza, but you eat salad instead? That's what being an adult feels like 99% of the time. Published:8/27/2017 3:15:38 PM
[Comedy] backup bestie

A person's second friend; Your second bestie; the second person you want to spend time with most; BBFF.

My bestie is at work. Heck, it's ok I have a backup bestie!

Published:8/27/2017 3:39:39 AM
[Comedy] or the terrorists have won

the best excuse to get what you want.

Continue buying SUVs or the terrorists have won.
Repeal the Constitution or the terrorists have won.
Dance naked in front of me or the terrorists have won.

Published:8/26/2017 4:06:59 AM
[Comedy] Dinner Sweats

When you hold in a poop at the dinner table so long that you start to sweat.

I was trying to be polite but was nerve racked by the dreaded Dinner Sweats.

Published:8/25/2017 4:25:53 AM
[Comedy] @charstarlene My pilates teacher asked if anyone had any aches and pains anywhere and I shouted "MY EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING" and everyone ignored me Published:8/24/2017 10:30:08 PM
[Comedy] rectangle time

The time of day when people in an obviously social setting instead choose to pull out their smart phones and have some time alone with their "rectangle". The term can also apply to other electronics, such as computers, iPads, etc.

"Having some rectangle time there, I see" she said to Luke, as he stared at the phone screen while sitting on a scenic beach.

Published:8/24/2017 2:15:43 AM
[Comedy] I'm gonna Trump today.

I can't Trump today means to blow off all responsibilities and go play golf.

Fuck work,

I'm gonna Trump today.

Published:8/23/2017 2:09:45 AM
[Comedy] Canadian competition

The act of challenging someone to bigger act of kindness war.

My roommate challenged me to a Canadian competition, he did my dishes so I cleaned his room and did his laundry. I win, for now.

Published:8/22/2017 2:06:22 AM
[Comedy] Napstipated

When you really need to nap but can't.

" I'm suffering from some severe napstipation!" "Ouch man you're napstipated! That sucks! you should really see a doctor!"

Published:8/21/2017 2:30:21 AM
[Comedy] @sosadtoday i don't need to sleep forever just for 5000 years Published:8/20/2017 10:58:00 AM
[Comedy] Sailing the internet

To illegally download content, internet piracy.

So whatcha doing tonight?
I'm sailing the internet looking for movies

Published:8/20/2017 2:23:47 AM
[Comedy] @Marlebean Ok so this revenge is cold, but is it raw vegan? I'm on a strict diet. Published:8/19/2017 7:49:57 PM
[Comedy] blessed from behind

Your ass is huge.

"Damn girl you are blessed from behind"

Published:8/19/2017 2:16:25 AM
[Comedy] Carpin all those diems

Making the most of your time

"Only losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carpin all those diems."
-summer

Published:8/18/2017 2:08:16 AM
[Comedy] Ride Critic

Any passenger for Uber or Lyft that gives you a bad rating over the most ridiculous thing you can imagine.

I got a text, an email and an alert on my mobile device from (ridesharing company) about how dirty my car is. Came to find out it was a fucking ride critic that complained about the water spots on the right side windows.

Published:8/17/2017 2:41:03 AM
[Comedy] Internaive

The state of ignorance towards popular internet memes; the description of a person who does not recognise 90% of internet jokes. origins: internet + naive

"She's so internaive, I can impress her by sending stale memes."

Published:8/16/2017 2:26:51 AM
[Comedy] Bachelor name

Equivalent to Fem. "Maiden Name " When a man changes his name to match that of his partner, his former surname is his "Bachelor Name "

When filling out this form, your Bachelor Name goes on line two.

Published:8/15/2017 2:21:08 AM
[Comedy] @rad_milk [a foreigner gets off a long call in a language i don't understand in an uber pool] ME: (whispering to them) hey what did you say Published:8/14/2017 2:49:34 PM
[Comedy] I just can't Trump today

Nothing accomplished

Not going to work
Excuses

I just can't Trump today.

Published:8/14/2017 2:18:15 AM
[Comedy] freaky paragraphs

Freaky paragraphs is when you ask your bf/gf write sexy shit to you about what they want to do to you

Babe I want a freaky paragraphs

Published:8/13/2017 2:10:08 AM
[Comedy] sleepwait

The act of lying down and drifting in and out of sleep while you wait for something or some one.

1) I gotta go. John is sleepwaiting for me in the other room.

2) Jane alway makes me sleepwait. How long does it take to get ready for bed?

3) John: wyd?

Jane: sleepwaiting til my bf gets here

Published:8/12/2017 2:34:40 AM
[Comedy] upperwear

Upperwear is the wardrobe you create when you work on line or on TV and are only 'seen' from the waist up.

During video calls and meetings she wore professional looking Upperwear, such as blazers with pearls, while at the same wearing jogging pants.

Published:8/11/2017 2:22:41 PM
[Comedy] @DurtMcHurtt [after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom? Published:8/10/2017 11:41:53 PM
[Comedy] Trumperbole

Hyperbole taken to its absolute, laughably untrue extreme. Often utilized to unintentionally ridiculous effect by obnoxious morons.

Trump's love of Trumperbole may just get some of us killed.

Published:8/10/2017 4:35:12 AM
[Comedy] @bobvulfov (whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u Published:8/10/2017 1:33:20 AM
[Comedy] @bessbell The difference between men and woman is men produce sperm and women produce humans and men claim half the credit. Published:8/9/2017 1:58:23 PM
[Comedy] Fire and Fury

Can be referred to as what is unleashed upon after eating a large meal from Taco Bell .

Trump: Every bathroom in America should be prepared to be met with Fire and Fury after this week's taco Tuesday.

Published:8/9/2017 2:21:00 AM
[Comedy] @eedrk (to guy walking up the trail) dont worry there's an elevator up top haha (4 secs later in earshot of first guy) dont worry there's an eleva Published:8/8/2017 5:18:12 PM
[Comedy] @kibblesmith A good prank if you're in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn't paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars Published:8/8/2017 3:18:22 PM
[Comedy] @P_o_n_k *After 3rd failed attempt at naming a drawing board* "Well, boys, I guess it's back to the thing." Published:8/8/2017 6:15:40 AM
[Comedy] Okay, chief

Usually said to someone who is being bossy or persistent about something.

Person 1: Dude, take out the garbage. I'm not gonna ask you again. Seriously.
Person 2: Okay, chief.

Published:8/8/2017 6:15:39 AM
[Comedy] @BGH70 I dont play hard to get, I play hard to endure. Published:8/7/2017 4:28:31 AM
[Comedy] Phobophobia

Being afraid of being afraid.

This is something you can really get worked up with.

A: Don't scare him. He has phobophobia.
B: AAAAH! That was scary .... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Published:8/7/2017 4:28:30 AM
[Comedy] Freudian Spell Check

When spell check changes your word to the wrong word, but the wrong word is actually more appropriate.

I meant to text my friend that she should go to the U2 concert with me because it would be a "great" time. Spell check changed it to "grey" time. That Freudian Spell Check is pretty smart.

Published:8/6/2017 2:34:12 AM
[Comedy] Analog shit

Having to go to the toilet without a phone, tablet or any other digital device.

Shit! I left my cellphone at home now i have to take an analog shit like a caveman

Published:8/5/2017 2:24:48 AM
[Comedy] @MatPatGT It's cute how they call them "Missed Calls" and not "Avoided Calls." Published:8/4/2017 8:24:03 PM
[Comedy] @chemical_scum If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is never 'like Dan Aykroyd.' Published:8/4/2017 6:22:24 PM
[Comedy] where her legs begin

A poetic way of saying pussy.

Brandon sat around thinking of Amelia and how he would love to get back to where her legs begin.

Published:8/4/2017 2:17:29 AM
[Comedy] @Ctrapmrspash "To the window, to the wall" - me directing the carpet layers Published:8/3/2017 3:09:01 AM
[Comedy] Scaramucci

A measurement of time, approximately 11 days.

I'll see you in a scaramucci!

Published:8/3/2017 3:08:56 AM
[Comedy] @figgled Music review: the concept of jazz. Confusing. One star. There is only one good jazz song and it is 'everybody wants to be a cat' Published:8/2/2017 7:57:34 AM
[Comedy] wypipo

Twitter slang or dialect that with read aloud sounds like "white people" which is its actual meaning

Girl wypipo are crazy, they let their dogs lick their mouths

Published:8/2/2017 7:57:33 AM
[Comedy] OOTD

"Outfit Of the Day"

Usually used on fashion blogs, or other places where people show others that they are wearing or have worn.

"Here is my OOTD."

Same as "Here is my outfit of the day."

Published:8/1/2017 2:30:28 AM
[Comedy] The Bannon

The act of self-fellatio

The young man pulled his back muscles while attempting the Bannon.

Political meaning: When patting yourself on the back just isn't enough...go for the Bannon

Published:7/31/2017 2:20:31 AM
[Comedy] @onlxn hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING Published:7/30/2017 5:50:15 PM
[Comedy] Slave to the gram

When one is willing to go to extreme heights in order to obtain an instagram photo, possibly risking injury.

She only ski-dived for the instagram , she's a slave to the gram

Published:7/30/2017 2:13:53 AM
[Comedy] @SeiYoung83 [inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us. Published:7/29/2017 3:49:27 PM
[Comedy] @AndrewNadeau0 If you can't think of a word say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot. Published:7/29/2017 2:59:51 PM
[Comedy] chain scrolling

When you have the tablet scrolling Twitter and the phone scrolling Instagram.

My lady has graduated from AOL to chain scrolling.

Published:7/29/2017 4:45:48 AM
[Comedy] Service the Account

A euphemism for masturbating, especially at work.

Hey Chris, it's a slow day here at work. I need to find something to concentrate my efforts on. Maybe it's a good day to service the account!

Published:7/29/2017 4:08:19 AM
[Comedy] Published:7/28/2017 9:37:45 AM
[Comedy] twittatorship

A dictatorship that is attempted through late night Twitter decrees, that have no legal leverage .

Trump seems to think he can run the country by Twittatorship.

Published:7/28/2017 2:01:36 AM
[Comedy] @fuzzlime running feels great unless you compare it to not running Published:7/28/2017 1:00:30 AM
[Comedy] Pissgate

The scandal in which there may or may not be a tape of the President getting pissed on by Russian prostitutes

I cant believe the President is caught up in this pissgate

Published:7/27/2017 3:25:09 AM
[Comedy] @Home_Halfway Rap artists have said more nice things about themselves in one song than I have about myself in my entire life. Published:7/26/2017 7:54:15 PM
[Comedy] pull a Trump

To blatantly keep asserting a lie, despite the overwhelming and obvious facts to the contrary.

Real Estate Salesman tried to pull a Trump, as he stood next to me on the empty lot, he kept insisting that the building located on the lot was currently renting for 100k a month.

Published:7/26/2017 2:49:07 AM
[Comedy] Burner

A throwaway prepaid cellphone, typically used by dealers. Used until the minutes are up, then thrown away so they cannot be tapped.

'There is burners all over the street.'

Published:7/25/2017 4:11:59 AM
[Comedy] zuckerversary

When you celebrate a year of friendship on Facebook.

Jim: Hey Steve, we've been friends for six years on Facebook. Happy zuckerversary!

Published:7/24/2017 2:05:31 AM
[Comedy] sauna bomb

Running into a sauna naked and pooping on the heat source

I was having a relaxing schvitz when Trump totally sauna bombed and blamed it on Obama.

Published:7/23/2017 2:27:17 AM
[Comedy] @rudy_mustang really crazy to think that literally every person in the world is either shia labeouf or not shia labeouf Published:7/23/2017 12:33:21 AM
[Comedy] @lukeoneil47 Instead of a timestamp each tweet should come with what you're currently blowing on a breathalyzer at the time you posted it. Published:7/22/2017 5:14:31 AM
[Comedy] mooch

Someone who wants something for free .. someone who takes and takes but doesn't give back.

Matt is the biggest MOOCH ive ever seen

Published:7/22/2017 5:14:30 AM
[Comedy] talking brown

talking shit, bullshitting, lying

Will you ever stop talking brown Martina

Published:7/20/2017 3:09:54 AM
[Comedy] @GeorgiaSweet20 [Funeral] Grandma: We were married for 53 years. I can't live without him... Me: My ex bf wouldn't name his podcast after me. So, I get it. Published:7/19/2017 1:05:28 PM
[Comedy] @adult_mom I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics Published:7/19/2017 12:38:00 PM
[Comedy] Sleep Mode

To temporarily shut off the thinking part of your brain and focus only at the task at hand, such as eating, playing video games, watching television, or exercising.

Husband: ".........." (Eats dinner while running sleep mode)

Wife: "Whatcha thinking about?"

Husband: "..........Nothing." (Continues eating as he enters sleep mode again)

Published:7/19/2017 4:03:00 AM
[Comedy] magic stairs

Another term for escalator.

The elevator is too slow; I'll take the magic stairs.

Published:7/18/2017 2:25:32 AM
[Comedy] shelf friend

When you become an option. You are not first pick of friends. When your friend starts dating someone and you are put up on a shelf until they have no other people to hang with.

I don't need you anymore, I'm dating somebody. So I'll put you up on the shelf until I have a need for you. You are my shelf friend.

Published:7/17/2017 3:19:50 AM
[Comedy] Verbal Handcuffs

When someone won't stop talking (usually about a subject you have no interest in). The talker has verbally forced you to stand there there and listen, even though you have given many clues that you have checked out. Examples: vacant stares, looking at your watch, checking your phone, answering in short one word phrases.

Girl 1 :So then I realized my cat really likes Meow Mix more than Frisky's but only if I mix it with Fancy Feast.

Girl 2: (Stares blankly)

Girl 1: Unless of course it's Chicken Livers from 9 Lives, Snowball loves that. It's her favorite.

Girl 2: Uh-huh.

Girl 1: Of course on her birthday I give her the good stuff, real tuna!

Girl 2: (Thinks fuck me, verbal handcuffs)

Published:7/16/2017 9:35:55 AM
[Comedy] Gladimir Putin

1. When Vladimir Putin smiles in a meme-worthy manner. (Name)

2. Feeling glad or smug. (Slang)

Antonym: Sadimir Putin

Gladimir Putin memes were all over my feed after the election.

When Dick found out his girlfriend wasn't pregnant, he was super Gladimir Putin.

Published:7/15/2017 4:07:38 AM
[Comedy] orange russian

An Orange Russian is a cocktail made with vodka, coffee liqueur, and urine.

Did you see that video of Donny on Facebook? Some chick gave him an orange russian!

Published:7/14/2017 3:49:05 AM
[Comedy] Unload the groceries

Deceptive way of saying you are taking a shit.

I'll be online in a few minutes after I unload the groceries.

Published:7/13/2017 4:48:14 AM
[Comedy] net neutrality

An idea whereby all access to the collective Internets is equal. Where no limits on different throughputs or access to services are placed.

Senator Stevens on Net Neutrality:
The internet is not something that you just dump something on... It's not a big truck, it's a series of tubes!

You sir, are an idiot!

Published:7/12/2017 9:24:39 AM
[Comedy] Side Daddy

When someone has a sugar daddy and they have a side sugar daddy to get more money.

"Britany, my side daddy just bought me a new purse."

Published:7/11/2017 2:26:56 AM
[Comedy] @scullymike Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be "the smart one" Published:7/11/2017 12:58:11 AM
[Comedy] @iDntWearCondoms Batman villains ain't even super, he can call the cops and solve 80 percent of his problems lmao Published:7/11/2017 12:26:54 AM
[Comedy] @FreakingTrue I can't wait until im 35 driving my kids around and then one of my old trap songs comes on and I rap the whole thing and leave em speechless Published:7/10/2017 7:53:26 PM
[Comedy] I just think it's funny how

A low key but passive aggressive way to tell someone your angry with them

I just think it's funny how you said you had family plans but then went to Josh's party with Sarah

Published:7/10/2017 2:19:32 AM
[Comedy] sleeping condiments

Anything you sleep with or need to get to sleep. i.e.: Pillows, blankets, lingerie, teddy bears, blow up dolls, or blow up mattresses.

Don't forget to bring your sleeping condiments when you come for the fourth.

Published:7/9/2017 2:45:33 AM
[Comedy] @badbanana I bet Dr. Frankenstein didn't know what to call his monster so he said "hey dude" a lot. Published:7/8/2017 3:39:50 PM
[Comedy] Living rent free

When you are always thinking about someone.

Girl you living rent free in my head.

Published:7/8/2017 2:37:47 AM
[Comedy] @JohnFugelsang OMG you guys it's so weird bc everyone keeps saying I'm so great at humblebragging but like I think I totally suck at it! Published:7/7/2017 4:08:48 PM
[Comedy] Remasculate

The opposite of emasculate. To grow one's balls back after they have been shrunken by an especially effeminate activity.

God, the girlfriend dragged me to go see License to Wed... it was terrible. I had to remasculate afterwards by watching Die Hard: The Bloody Retribution.

Published:7/7/2017 4:30:46 AM
[Comedy] @JohnFugelsang I like to walk into a Panda Express & angrily demand they serve me Panda. Published:7/7/2017 1:01:49 AM
[Comedy] @TheCatWhisprer The average person swallows 8 Spider-Man reboots in their sleep. Published:7/6/2017 10:58:07 PM
[Comedy] @itrevormoore I mean, if it can't stand a little pollution, was it really THAT Great of a Barrier Reef? Published:7/6/2017 8:01:10 PM
[Comedy] @ToxicProbably My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate. Published:7/6/2017 11:24:05 AM
[Comedy] Co-Dating

When your roomie is dating someone for serious and they are around in the appartment as much as if you were dating her/him.

-OMG! Mike is bringing Tyra to the appartment all the time!

-Yeah man you're co-dating her .

Published:7/6/2017 2:22:19 AM
[Comedy] @InternetHippo [my neighbor pours water on my house as it burns] Me: Sir please stop, you are NOT a registered firefighter Published:7/5/2017 1:48:08 PM
[Comedy] godshopped

The manipulation of scientific data to provide evidence for intelligence design.

Did you watch that beautiful episode about intelligent design?

Yeah, as usual, the producers totally godshopped all the complex images of nature and left out rational explanations provided by evolution.

Published:7/5/2017 4:16:30 AM
[Comedy] @AudreyPorne [watching porn] *slams fist on laptop* WHERE ARE THE FOREHEAD KISSES?! Published:7/4/2017 11:13:41 PM
[Comedy] @BGH70 I could communicate with a pod of dolphins via the clicking and popping sounds my body makes in the morning. Published:7/4/2017 1:14:25 PM
[Comedy] @Elizasoul80 My son just asked me what it's like to be an adult. I told him "I don't know." He seems slightly frightened, so now he knows. Published:7/4/2017 10:40:30 AM
[Comedy] Paper Phone

A cell phone that only text messages

Most fake women on dating sites use paper phones.

Published:7/4/2017 3:08:21 AM
[Comedy] trumpload

A very large amount.

Usage is similar to shitload, except it's only used to describe a large amount of highly negative things, like nuclear waste or senate Republicans.

A quantity is a trumpload if it is as large as the number of lies told by the 45th president of the United States.

There's a trumpload of chemicals in my well water, but Halliburton says it's unrelated to their fracking operation next door and besides Scott Pruitt says flammable water is perfectly safe for my children to drink.

Published:7/3/2017 2:01:26 AM
[Comedy] Modern Day Presidential

Acting immature; having a tendency to angrily rant on Twitter. Antonym: presidential

Donald Trump's behavior is not presidential, it is modern day presidential

Published:7/2/2017 2:27:23 AM
[Comedy] @Lowenaffchen every small business in america is owned by a big fat guy named Doug who gets divorced every 3 months Published:7/1/2017 5:26:14 PM
[Comedy] @cushbomb *Afroman voice* I messed up my entire life, cuz I'm online... Published:7/1/2017 1:52:37 PM
[Comedy] @bransonreese Be the change you wish to see in the world even if it makes the world a demonstrably worse place Published:7/1/2017 11:51:26 AM
[Comedy] decovfefenated

What the White House will be in January of 2021 or 2025 after President Donald J. Trump has his last cup of covfefe as POTUS.

With the departure of President Trump, Democrats across the USA are celebrating the newly decovfefenated White House.

Published:7/1/2017 2:18:11 AM
[Comedy] @NickSwardson I love weddings to see the happy couple but also to see the old, shitty tattoos chicks got that you can see now because of their dresses. Published:7/1/2017 12:50:47 AM
[Comedy] @blade_funner [the invention of tennis] "I don't want this ball." "Well, I don't want it either." Published:6/30/2017 9:18:03 PM
[Comedy] Imagined Dialogue For: ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’ EXT. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. NIGHT. SPIDER-MAN: Your days are numbered, Vulture! VULTURE: You want me, Spider-Man?! Come and get me! Published:6/30/2017 1:46:03 PM
[Comedy] Teeth Paste

A special form of tooth paste designed to work on multiple teeth simultaneously.

This teeth paste is awesome! Gone are the days of tirelessly scrubbing one tooth at a time.

Published:6/30/2017 2:12:01 AM
[Comedy] Milkshake Duck

Someone who gains sudden fame for something nice and positive, only to soon after be revealed as a deeply flawed character with terrible opinions and/or a shady past, often involving corrosive social/political ideologies, which quickly tarnishes their fame and the good will people momentarily had towards them.

"The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist" -@pixelatedboat via Twitter

Published:6/29/2017 2:07:34 AM
[Comedy] @shutupmikeginn Flipping through the pages of an interior design magazine imagining myself sitting alone in all the living rooms, looking at my phone. Published:6/28/2017 11:00:50 AM
[Comedy] when i have time

I'm never gonna do it

Person: can you do the dishes?
Person2: when I have time

Published:6/28/2017 3:35:01 AM
[Comedy] @tigermcleash Dear Diary, Was up all night again trying to figure out how I would describe Yahtzee to a deaf person without using the jerk-off motion. Published:6/28/2017 12:28:32 AM
[Comedy] @upsidedowntrash I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans. Published:6/27/2017 11:58:08 PM
[Comedy] @joelcomm When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver. Published:6/27/2017 5:34:37 PM
[Comedy] @TheBoydP If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23 Published:6/27/2017 1:56:28 PM
[Comedy] Bona Dude

A modern legal term, _Bona Dude_ means "in good dude" in a cross of Legal Latin and Modern English. The term stresses the entirely "good dude" nature of the person to whom it refers. A "bona dude" is sincere and earnest about being a good dude.

First used by @SCOTUSblog on Twitter, 2017 June 26.

The Supreme Court of the United States lifts injunction against travel ban, except with respect to individuals with _bona dude_ relationship to the US.

Published:6/27/2017 1:56:27 PM
[Comedy] Broflake

Member of the alt-right who proudly shouts their free-speech warrior credentials but lose their minds when a fellow member is critcized.

I see a mass of Dave Rubin's broflakes have had Contrapoint's video kicked off YouTube.

Published:6/26/2017 2:38:37 AM
[Comedy] @missmayn My guess is the second coming of Jesus already happened and he was either shot by police or died poor from a preventable disease. Published:6/25/2017 6:44:50 PM
[Comedy] @SaltyCorpse I'm eating the last of the pizza rolls but I'm puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it's like to get their hopes crushed. Published:6/25/2017 3:13:12 PM
[Comedy] @owillis im 90% certain north korean state media is more skeptical of kim jong un than fox news is of donald trump. Published:6/25/2017 11:42:35 AM
[Comedy] tickets to policeman's ball

Defination:

To pay off a cop. a bribe, A "Shakedown",
.a solicatation for a payoff by an official, agent, officer, pretend or real. c.t.

ex: "Theres a $500.OO fine for That!",
"Or, you could buy a coupl'a -tickets to Policeman's Ball" , "50 bucks each, 2-3 should do"
( No, there was no 'Real' Ball/Dance). c.t

Published:6/25/2017 2:09:31 AM
[Comedy] fartoholic

Someone who is addicted to their own fart smell, and so farts as often as possible.

'Stan, you're a real fartoholic'
'So?'
'You stink.'

Published:6/24/2017 2:06:09 AM
[Comedy] @junejuly12 Ever have to call someone and get annoyed when they actually answer? Published:6/23/2017 5:00:25 PM
[Comedy] @Probgoblin The year is 2028. President AR-15 just signed a law that simply said "Truck". Published:6/23/2017 4:31:12 PM
[Comedy] @InternetHippo [press conference] Me (contrite): I made a mistake. I admit it. But what's important now is for me to move on and learn nothing Published:6/23/2017 10:30:35 AM
[Comedy] She Shed

The female equivalent to a Man Cave.

Wife: Hey, your going to your Man Cave?
Husband: Yep. Need some me time.
Wife: That's okay, I have my she shed.

Published:6/23/2017 5:28:30 AM
[Comedy] @darksidedeb I stuff the holes in Swiss cheese with other cheeses. Published:6/22/2017 4:41:42 PM
[Comedy] @FreakingTrue i’m the person who’s 100% down for spontaneous adventures but also 100% down to lay in bed all day. i’m on both ends of the spectrum Published:6/22/2017 10:14:41 AM
[Comedy] Milly rock

A dance a turn up dance where you wave your hands & move your body

I Milly rock on Any Block

Published:6/22/2017 10:14:40 AM
[Comedy] Kushner eyes

Soulless eyes devoid of compassion, empathy, humor or basic human feeling, most often scanning the perimeter for prey.

That dead shark has some Kushner eyes

Published:6/21/2017 2:17:23 AM
[Comedy] @jazmasta My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That's whey past my bedtime Published:6/20/2017 5:43:42 PM
[Comedy] @HatfieldAnne *switches the place cards so I'm sitting next to the mashed potatoes* Published:6/20/2017 4:09:50 PM
[Comedy] kleptocracy

A system of government characterized by rampant corruption and misallocation of public funds.

That country is a kleptocracy in which nothing is accomplished without greasing the palms of government officials.

Published:6/20/2017 4:07:24 AM
[Comedy] @BoogTweets Neck rubs were invented in 1832 by Pierre "sugar fingers" Masseur while trying to choke his wife to death. Published:6/19/2017 1:34:51 PM
[Comedy] @salamingia The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos. Published:6/19/2017 10:39:33 AM
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