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Comedy


[Comedy] fuck donald trump

Fuck Donald trump, AKA the worst president ever.

"Man fuck Donald trump, he wants to build a wall and don't pay taxes!!"

Published:12/1/2020 2:19:36 AM
[Comedy] motherhood statement

A platitude verbal contribution to a group, to show you are alpha, but has little or no value, and provides no constructive solution, only talk. Manager that have no skills, but have a well paid position, often do the mother statement talk. Who else can waste the time of experts and not be chastised for it?

Appointed Boss-man: We cannot go forward with these production inefficiencies.

Engineer: Thanks for that motherhood statement, we're golden now!

Published:12/1/2020 12:19:01 AM
[Comedy] @video_jame it's my dream interview at nasa. "how are ur programming skills" they ask. "out of this world" i nervously joke. the walls shake. the interviewer starts convulsing. several engineers run in and write math on me with sharpies. i begin to levitate Published:11/30/2020 1:37:45 AM
[Comedy] @ellorysmith everybody in America thinks they could one day become a billionaire but nobody thinks they could get covid Published:11/27/2020 5:52:36 AM
[Comedy] Smooth Brain

A stupid person; it refers to the lack of surface area on an individual's brain. The general thought is that the more surface area (wrinkles, creases, etc.) a brain has, the smarter the person is. Conversely, a person with a smooth brain (no wrinkles) has less surface area and would therefore be stupid.

That fucking smooth brain put his shirt on backwards again...

That smooth brain is dumber than a pile of shit.

Published:11/27/2020 2:21:29 AM
[Comedy] microcough

A tiny, almost imperceptible cough, usually hidden behind a mask due to; emphysema, asthma, allergies or the dreaded COVID, so as not to alarm others to your potential of being “the infected.”

I was walking through the grocery store and I had a tickle in my throat but I didn’t want people to think I was contagious so I let out a microcough.

Published:11/26/2020 2:14:14 AM
[Comedy] @dilemmalord i'm already so annoyed that my grandkids are going to be interviewing me for book reports on the 2020 pandemic expecting me to be profound and i'm gonna have to be like "i spent all the whole thing sending friends tiktok links against their will and eating cake and crying" Published:11/24/2020 10:03:44 AM
[Comedy] Take a Trump

A massive dump that takes 10 to 15 times to flush.

After Thanksgiving, I had to Take a Trump.

Published:11/23/2020 2:53:37 AM
[Comedy] @DrakeGatsby I am a REAL MAN. I use terms like BETA and ALPHA because I am a WOLF and my boys are my WOLF PACK. I sleep OUTSIDE and HOWL at the MOON my FAMILY has EXCOMMUNICATED me. I ate BEAR MEAT and now I have TRICHINOSIS please call an AMBULANCE. Published:11/20/2020 10:14:43 AM
[Comedy] @kibblesmith How am I supposed to concentrate when I do not wish to and there are no immediate rewards Published:11/20/2020 9:15:35 AM
[Comedy] @RobbyActually Listening to my grandpa complain about canceling student loan debt because he worked really hard to pay off his college tuition in *checks notes* one summer Published:11/19/2020 2:59:40 AM
[Comedy] Apocalypsing

Treating every relationship like it’s your last and getting super serious with someone you just started dating.

Person 1: who tf is that new chick w alex?
Person 2: idk he's been apocalypsing like crazy

Published:11/18/2020 2:37:33 AM
[Comedy] @brittany_broski when I die bury my notes app w me. I’d sooner die than have anybody read what’s in that bitch Published:11/12/2020 12:00:57 PM
[Comedy] Published:11/10/2020 10:42:17 AM
[Comedy] @humanaaron [first day as a negotiator] me: ok Published:11/8/2020 4:37:32 AM
[Comedy] How cartoons are spoofing Trump’s heated reaction to the election results From "stop the count" to legal challenges, political artists find much to satirize this week. Published:11/7/2020 2:47:21 PM
[Comedy] ‘Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales’: Like its movie counterparts, a confident and entertaining spectacle “Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales” will likely be remembered as 2020’s most ingratiating family-friendly video game. Published:11/6/2020 9:52:05 AM
[Comedy] @randypaint [guy about to invent mint chocolate] *eating ice cream* u know what this needs. toothpaste. Published:11/5/2020 11:26:11 PM
[Comedy] you're fired

A term coined by Donald Trump on his show "The Apprentice" even though bosses used it all the time before. Now anyone who watched five minutes of it thinks it's THE ABSOLUTE SHIT and uses it to say "YOU SUCK!" or "LOSER!" or something of the sort.

You're fired!
You suck!
Loser!

Published:11/3/2020 5:26:22 AM
[Comedy] Gen C

The generation born after January 1st 2020, preceeding Gen Z. Named after the viral Corona Virus, this generation is destined for a life of turmoil and confusion. The social distancing Covid-19 brought us will likely make this generation even more socially awkward than Gen Z. They've been born into a world tangled with problems and chaos, so lets do our best to welcone them with open arms... From 6 feet away.

"Those Gen C kids seen awfully weird and quiet, corona virus ruined those kids."

Published:11/1/2020 1:26:26 AM
[Comedy] @souIspyre The first act of racism my brother ever experienced was my dad filming the wrong asian boy during his whole school play Published:10/31/2020 9:53:27 AM
[Comedy] lolsob

1. acronym for Laugh Out Loud + sob -- an expression for something that makes you lol and cry at the same time.

2. acronym for Laugh Out Loud, Son of a Bitch. An expression of bitter anger over something funny.

That fatal clown car accident made me lolsob-- clown cars are funny but my best friend was driving.

Published:10/31/2020 2:17:22 AM
[Comedy] sack tap

A trick played on a fellow athlete where the open hand smacks the target's testicles with the knuckles in a sharp, wrist flicking motion.

"Dude, I sack tapped Brandon, and now he has the whole team trying to sack tap me"

Published:10/30/2020 2:09:58 AM
[Comedy] sneaky link

When you meet with someone without anyone knowing except you and the person.

Sneaky link me and mark

Published:10/29/2020 2:16:44 AM
[Comedy] @LittleMissAngr1 you're not allowed to manipulate me. you're not my cat Published:10/28/2020 10:16:36 PM
[Comedy] A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator has a long-lost story to tell. And it gets pretty dark. Kevin Eastman has revived "The Last Ronin," an idea he helped conceive in 1987, before TMNT took off. Published:10/28/2020 5:00:53 AM
[Comedy] Trump Fluffer

a Feckless, Shameless, Coward whose purpose in Life is to please Donald J. Trump with Oral Praise and Bullshit Compliments. ( Noun ).

Lindsey Graham is a consummate Trump Fluffer.

Published:10/28/2020 3:00:54 AM
[Comedy] voter fatigue

1 Condition that occurs when you're waiting in a long line to vote because the state doesn't provide enough polling places for voters.

This long line at the polling station is giving me a clear case of voter fatigue

Published:10/26/2020 2:21:50 AM
[Comedy] @solomongeorgio I don’t care about celebrity gossip. Give me small scale gossip. I want to know why the night shift employees at Kohl’s are mad at each other Published:10/23/2020 2:18:11 AM
[Comedy] @joshgondelman "Monotony" comes from the Italian phrase meaning "just one Tony," which is slang for a dull situation in Italy. Published:10/21/2020 1:56:56 PM
[Comedy] How a Pepe the Frog movie speaks powerfully to this moment in divisive American politics "Feels Good Man," which won a Sundance prize and now arrives on PBS, is about trying to take back the character of Pepe the Frog, while also reclaiming our reality. Published:10/21/2020 12:26:42 PM
[Comedy] @Average_Dad1 What did people do before alarm clocks? Just go to bed like “hope I wake up in time for work tomorrow” Published:10/19/2020 4:40:18 PM
[Comedy] ‘Amnesia: Rebirth’: A dark fantasy game that allows players to get their hands dirty "Amnesia: Rebirth" is a fine example of why the Swedish development studio Frictional Games is among the more notable storytellers at work in the gaming industry. Published:10/19/2020 4:40:18 PM
[Comedy] Sonequa Martin-Green stars in a future she hopes one day can be a reality “I actually do believe that the story of 'Star Trek' is in a post-racial world," Martin-Green says. Published:10/15/2020 5:06:20 AM
[Comedy] @_HSOJOSH I get so offended when my mom doesn’t answer my calls. Like HELLO, it’s your pride and joy calling... ANSWER!!! Published:10/14/2020 4:06:34 PM
[Comedy] @ittybittywhore Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files bc it’s boring Published:10/9/2020 1:29:05 PM
[Comedy] @autogynefiles therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session Published:10/7/2020 4:58:20 AM
[Comedy] @Buffalojilll I'm not an adult. I'm a child that has automatic bill payments set up. Published:10/6/2020 4:13:18 PM
[Comedy] How political cartoonists took on the tricky task of commenting on Trump’s covid-19 case From super-spreader events to Walter Reed to Trump's tweets, here is how artists sized up the situation. Published:10/6/2020 4:13:17 PM
[Comedy] @DrakeGatsby Don’t be afraid of SUCCESS. I was down to my last $100 in my bank account and did I use it to buy food? Pay rent? NO! I INVESTED it and now I have $63.47. Published:10/4/2020 3:48:01 PM
[Comedy] Thoughts and prayers

I couldn’t care less (but one must keep up appearances, right?)

Frenemy has a family tragedy. "Thoughts and prayers."

Published:10/3/2020 2:29:47 AM
[Comedy] Trump Lung

An appropriate nickname for CoViD-19, aka the novel coronavirus that has led to a worldwide pandemic. Named after Trump to mark his monumental malfeasance which will result in at least hundreds of thousands of deaths in the U.S.

Bob's in the hospital, he caught a case of Trump Lung.

Published:10/2/2020 2:24:28 AM
[Comedy] @jackies_backie I don’t get it when I see skinny people running..... aren’t you done??? Published:9/30/2020 2:33:00 AM
[Comedy] @MaryKoCo Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu. Published:9/25/2020 12:20:12 PM
[Comedy] ‘Spelunky 2’: Blazingly difficult and completely addictive Can you be enamored with a game and downright horrible at it? “Spelunky 2” proves the answer can be a perverse “yes.” Published:9/25/2020 12:20:12 PM
[Comedy] @perfectsweeties cat owners will be covered in scratches and scars and just be like these are little love marks from my handsome boy Published:9/22/2020 4:48:00 AM
[Comedy] @FredTaming [inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands Published:9/20/2020 12:32:03 PM
[Comedy] How West Coast cartoonists deliver powerful art from the wildfires Top political artists draw the catastrophe through a personal lens Published:9/18/2020 5:12:59 AM
[Comedy] @ShortSleeveSuit An emergency vehicle siren but replace it with Owen Wilson’s “wow” Published:9/11/2020 5:09:51 AM
[Comedy] @ElyKreimendahl “you’re so funny” thanks i did not have sex in high school Published:9/9/2020 4:52:09 AM
[Comedy] steezy

Style with Ease

Damn that was a steezy ass kickflip son!

Published:9/6/2020 2:23:48 AM
[Comedy] @HushJared Guys remain 12 until they’re 16. Then they’re 16 until they’re 35, at which point they turn 24. Published:8/31/2020 4:39:47 PM
[Comedy] @LukeMones being a baby's like being blacked out. you dont remember anything, but people show you pictures like "that was you. you threw up right after this” Published:8/31/2020 4:07:48 PM
[Comedy] @MNateShyamalan you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea Published:8/27/2020 1:31:51 AM
[Comedy] TSIF

That Shit Is Fucked

Guy 1 : Gawd Damn this is some good ass ice cream.
Guy 2 : Let me get a lick of that shit dawg.
Guy 1 : TSIF
Guy 2 : Come on, you know I'm straight busted till the furst of da Month.

Published:8/26/2020 2:54:18 AM
[Comedy] @JRocIsMajor_ dates with no food are pretty much meetings...and we can do that via email. don’t insult me or my time like that beloved. Published:8/23/2020 2:00:47 AM
[Comedy] A legendary Black superhero universe has been dormant for two decades. Now it’ll finally return. Milestone Comics stopped creating new stories in 1997, but the imprint — and its Dakotaverse of characters — will be back next year. Published:8/22/2020 3:56:24 PM
[Comedy] @Darlainky All I’m saying is that the horror industry will be hard-pressed to scare me after living through 2020. Published:8/22/2020 3:24:31 AM
[Comedy] @ThisLocalHater Hate it when I wear shoes in Walmart and people keep asking if I'm a member of the royal family Published:8/18/2020 2:54:23 AM
[Comedy] @ronnui_ Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is "cool sport rush" Published:8/18/2020 2:22:18 AM
[Comedy] enby

Pronounced (EHN-bee)

Based off of the shortening of "non-binary", N.B.

A term used by the non-binary/genderqueer community as an alternative to girl/boy.

Are they a girl or a boy?
Neither, they're an enby!

Published:8/18/2020 2:22:17 AM
[Comedy] porn virus

A porn virus is a concept made up by males that means the reason there is porn all over one's computer is because they got a virus.

100% of the time it is used as a scapegoat since the real reason there is porn on one's computer is due to the fact that the user voluntarily looked it up.

Thankfully, such viruses do exist, and have therefore saved countless asses of boys and men alike from pissed off parents, girlfriends, or wives who find porn on their computers.

Pissed off mother: Johnny, why is there porn on your computer?!
Johnny: It was a porn virus, I swear!

Pissed off Girlfriend: You've been looking up porn! Am I not good enough for you or something?!
Boyfriend: OH NO, I've been targeted with a porn virus like all my friends!

Published:8/17/2020 2:16:10 AM
[Comedy] rat-licker

A person who refuses to wear a mask, or take any of the basic precautions to help society prevent an air born illness during an epidemic.

( In reference to the bubonic plague being spread by rats. )

I went to the mall for some new underwear, but had to leave. Too many Rat-lickers.

Published:8/16/2020 2:19:48 AM
[Comedy] @bridger_w Please stop saying we live in hell. Hell follows some level of logic and a basic set of rules Published:8/15/2020 6:02:59 AM
[Comedy] ‘Ageless’ tacks on a new mechanic to an old-school platformer Although the new mechanic introduced in ’Ageless’ is fascinating, the game might only have limited appeal. Published:8/13/2020 8:54:31 AM
[Comedy] WAP

Wet Ass Pussy

You can tell by the way she walks, she got that WAP.

You can look at her face and tell she ain't got that WAP.

Published:8/11/2020 3:47:18 AM
[Comedy] Strip Jenga

A term coined by Terrson to represent a form of Jenga where one removes an article of clothing whenever the tower falls.

It was a fearsome sight indeed after the tower fell for the last time, after that, strip jenga was forever banned in the lounge.

<Terrson> My name shall not go down in history as the guy who codified Strip Jenga.
Guess again, Terrson.

Published:8/9/2020 2:21:12 AM
[Comedy] Clock Method

A method of guessing on a multiple choice test that involves looking at the position of the second hand. If the hand is between 12 and 3 the guess is A. If the hand is between 3 and 6 the guess is B. Between 6 and 9 guess C. Between 9 and 12 guess D.

I passed my test! Thanks to the Clock Method

Published:8/8/2020 2:14:30 AM
[Comedy] Celebrity Free Pass

A celebrity free pass is an agreement between you and your significant other that if you meet said celebrity and there is an opportunity to sleep with them, your partner cannot get mad at you for doing so because you had agreed before hand that this person was your celebrity free pass. It is ideal if both of you in the relationship choose a celebrity free pass so that the playing field is even.

Julia met Drake at a bar, and hooked up with him, knowing that her significant other could not be mad at her, because Drake was her celebrity free pass.

Published:8/7/2020 2:12:09 AM
[Comedy] @TragicAllyHere A neat thing about 2020 is that enough stuff happens every month to fill an entire verse of “we didn’t start the fire” Published:8/6/2020 7:05:27 AM
[Comedy] It is what it is

Used often in the business world, this incredibly versatile phrase can be literally translated as "fuck it."

The client changed the deadline to today? Well, it is what it is.

Published:8/6/2020 2:31:20 AM
[Comedy] @videojames_ guy inventing the clock: ok i just need to set it and it'll be done. does anybody know what time it- fuck Published:8/5/2020 8:57:27 AM
[Comedy] lickable clink

A clink on a webpage that you can lick.
ie a spoonerism of clickable link

For more info there's a lickable clink in the description

Published:8/5/2020 2:25:35 AM
[Comedy] brain bleach

Man's greatest invention, brain bleach removes bad memories and general DO NOT WANT moments. Every household should have a few gallons.

1: Dude, I just walked in on my parents.
2: Have some Brain Bleach!

Published:8/4/2020 2:38:58 AM
[Comedy] Amazheimer's

Condition which causes you to place an Amazon order, then shortly after remember something else you needed and place another order.

Wow, 10 Amazon boxes showed up on my door today. My Amazheimer's must be acting up again.

Person 1: Bro, your Amazheimer's is getting out of control.
Person 2: It's OK, I have Prime.

Published:8/3/2020 8:12:30 AM
[Comedy] When Laurie Kilmartin’s mom was dying of covid-19, she turned tragedy into comedy. It’s what she always does. The comedian and "Conan" writer wrote a book about her dad's death, and is performing standup about her mom's. She jokes so that others will take the coronavirus seriously. Published:8/3/2020 8:12:30 AM
[Comedy] @perfectsweeties working at an italian restaurant when i put a pizza in the oven. the dough begins expanding. it fills the entire oven. then the kitchen and beyond. it wont stop. pepperonis become star systems. cheese stretches into asteroid belts. the birth of a new universe. the big bada bang Published:8/2/2020 12:58:04 PM
[Comedy] Simp

Someone who does way too much for a person they like

Brian shu the simp: I bought her a car and a whole ass house and we not even dating!
Nathan the pimp: U a simp.

Published:8/2/2020 12:58:03 PM
[Comedy] hits different

to listen or experience something that conveys a different emotion or feeling than when previously experienced. this new feeling is typically significantly worse or better after new information is discovered.

i love michael jackson, but this song hits different now that he’s a pedophile lmao.

Published:8/1/2020 2:27:41 AM
[Comedy] Cornteen

Internet slang for “quarantine”, originating from the many times people misspelled that word on social media during the COVID-19 or coronavirus crisis. Often used in posts expressing boredom or frustration related to self-quarantine or 'social distancing' measures.

Sometimes also (mis)spelled ‘corn teen’, ‘corn and teen’, ‘corn in teen’ or ‘corn of teen’.

“Wow, They Making Us Self Cornteen”
“I may not be making babies during this corn teen but by god I’m thinkin about it”
“I’ve been drunk almost everyday of corn and teen”
“Really regret not getting my eyebrows done before corn of teen”
“What y’all doing for the corn in teen?”

Published:7/31/2020 2:55:43 AM
[Comedy] Reclaiming my time

When people are on your time but wasting it!

Maxine: Are you familiar with the May 23rd letter that I sent
Munchkin: Thank you for having me here, you're such a beautifu-
Maxine: RECLAIMING MY TIME. -- Answer the question, hoe.

Published:7/30/2020 6:29:04 AM
[Comedy] I hope she sees this bro

Phrase to use when a man's been simping. When a man, usually unattractive, publicly tweets at, or otherwise contacts, a girl who is usually out of their league with excessive compliments and/or the offering of money, you hit them with this. Anyone who received this phrase should automatically lose your respect. Stay away.

Tweet from @SoylentIsAwesome:
@pokimanelol
You're amazing, stunning. I want to give you money. What's your cashapp?
Tweet from @ChadBenja:
@SoylentIsAwesome
I hope she sees this bro.

Published:7/29/2020 3:06:33 AM
[Comedy] I hope she sees this bro

A statement made by men on social media to address another man who they perceive to be "sucking up" to women. It's assumed by men who use this statement that the man in question isn't being truthful about what he's saying, rather he's just trying to appease women/a woman.

Men who use this statement are oftentimes considered to be incels, primarily by women.

Josh: I don't care about the physical appearance of a woman. I don't care about the size of her breasts or butt. I want a woman who has a kind heart and will be the proud mother of my children. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. No woman is truly ugly. Every woman is beautiful in her own way.

Sam: I hope she sees this bro

======================================

John: Women shouldn't have to worry about the clothes they wear when they go outside. It's not their fault that men can't contain their perverted desires.

Fred: I hope she sees this

Published:7/29/2020 2:37:56 AM
[Comedy] smoking gas

Smoking loud marijuana. like 110 Octane

" Paul Shawn is always smoking gas!"

Published:7/28/2020 9:06:59 AM
[Comedy] @portmanteauface Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days Published:7/25/2020 2:13:30 AM
[Comedy] 864511320

Vote out Trump
86 means to cancel something
45 - Trump
11320 - Election Day November 3, 2020

I’m so sick of this president. I need a bumper sticker saying 864511320

Published:7/24/2020 2:09:02 AM
[Comedy] Comic-Con is virtual for the first time, and anyone can attend for free. Here’s what to expect. A scaled-down San Diego Comic-Con@Home will be a Zoom-happy event starting Wednesday, featuring Charlize Theron and Guillermo del Toro. Published:7/22/2020 12:55:45 PM
[Comedy] @heyjaredhey Alcohol companies are like “please enjoy responsibly” ok I will drink alone in my room with my SIM card taken out Published:7/22/2020 10:03:10 AM
[Comedy] Karen

Middle aged woman, typically blonde, makes solutions to others' problems an inconvenience to her although she isn't even remotely affected.

Karen sues the local city council after they installed a new STOP sign that hides the sun from her window for two minutes a day. The sign was installed after a school boy on his bicycle was hit by a speeding driver and died.

Karen refuses to wear a face mask for her 5 minute trip to the supermarket during a pandemic. She harasses the workers, asks to see the manager and threatens to sue.

Karen complains that her favorite parking spot was replaced by a ramp for wheel chairs. She parks her car in the old spot anyway and shoots a vlog about it.

Published:7/21/2020 2:12:06 AM
[Comedy] @notskanky trying to relate to boys that play video games like hey babe how was pretending to brutally murder people today? did you *checks notes* call the duty? Published:7/18/2020 3:53:52 PM
[Comedy] ‘The Old Guard’ on Netflix is a comic-book movie playing by a new set of rules Netflix's “The Old Guard” has two black women as director and star, Gina Prince-Bythewood and Kiki Layne — a one-of-a-kind duo in the comic-book movie genre. Published:7/15/2020 10:07:57 AM
[Comedy] Gender Euphoria

The feeling a trans person gets when he/she/they are able to start presenting as the gender they identify as and people start treating them accordingly

When they used my proper pronouns, my gender dysphoria became gender euphoria

Published:7/15/2020 2:32:13 AM
[Comedy] onosecond

The horrible moment when you realise that you have accidentally done something very slightly wrong which has very bad (usually embarassing) implications for you. This is typically the moment of realisation that you just sent a dirty text message to a close member of family, typically your mother, rather than the intended recipient.

Message: "i'm free this afternoon so come over and fuck me senseless, my parents will be out all day"
Recipient: Mum
Message Sent
- Onosecond occurs here -

Published:7/12/2020 2:10:58 AM
[Comedy] Maskhole

selfish idiots in my neighborhood who think that they don't need to wear a mask because the rest of us do

A maskhole jogged right past me in the park today

Published:7/11/2020 2:09:53 AM
[Comedy] @samttaggart The best way to solve Covid is to turn it into some sort of game where the state with the lowest cases each week gets a pizza party or some shit. This unfortunately would work really well. Published:7/7/2020 3:11:16 PM
[Comedy] Rest in power

Phrase meaning that a deceased cannot rest in peace until society changes due to the circumstances of a death.

People said rest in power for the unarmed man had been shot by the police.

Published:7/6/2020 2:00:43 AM
[Comedy] @eff_yeah_steph I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone. Published:7/5/2020 3:51:03 AM
[Comedy] @mostlysharks finding nemo came out in 2003 and clownfish only live 3-5 years so good morning nemo is dead Published:7/5/2020 3:21:00 AM
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