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Comedy


[Comedy] caucacity

Something done with the audacity of white privilege.

An act showing little compassion towards people of color.

W.G: Those #BlackLivesMatter guys don't say anything when black people kill each other.

POC: Your caucacity is disgusting.

Published:7/18/2018 2:33:12 AM
[Comedy] Comic-Con 2018 preview: From ‘Aquaman’ to ‘Predator,’ Hollywood will bring its blockbusters Marvel Studios is mostly sitting out this year's Con -- but DC and Paramount have big projects to unveil. Published:7/17/2018 1:32:36 PM
[Comedy] jomo

Joy of Missing Out: You’re enjoying what you’re doing in the here and now and not on social media broadcasting or seeing what everybody else is doing. Opposite of fomo or the fear of missing out.

Guy #1: I had a great day, climbed a hill and didn't check facebook.
Guy #2: Good day?
Guy #1: Yea pure JOMO.

Published:7/17/2018 10:32:35 AM
[Comedy] Nick Spencer takes over ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ and will focus on the Spidey basics: laughs and love Mary Jane is back, and so are a whole lot of Spider-Man problems. Published:7/17/2018 10:32:34 AM
[Comedy] wii-kend

A weekend devoted exclusively towards playing a Nintendo Wii.

Hey I just ordered a Wii on Amazon.com, it arrives Friday so I'm going to have one sweet Wii-kend! :D

Published:7/17/2018 4:27:39 AM
[Comedy] @mikefossey thinking about getting a second dick installed to compensate for my shitty car Published:7/17/2018 4:01:08 AM
[Comedy] How ‘Hotel Transylvania 3’ keeps Adam Sandler’s box-office relevance alive Sandler's live-action big-screen career doesn't have much juice at the moment, but his animated franchise will top $1 billion. Published:7/16/2018 11:50:12 AM
[Comedy] Trump and Putin’s Helsinki summit relationship, as skewered by cartoons Sometimes no words are needed to satirize current events. Published:7/16/2018 8:20:16 AM
[Comedy] Ship Name

A mix of two peoples names. You can use this if they are dating or if you want them to me a couple. Just remember don't say it all the time because it will become over used.

Person 1: hey let's date
Person 2: okay. Whats our ship name?

Person 1 and person 2: RICK FOR RAELYN AND NICK.

Published:7/16/2018 2:18:44 AM
[Comedy] @pancake_puns did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn't is "dietary indiscretion" which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past Published:7/15/2018 4:14:19 AM
[Comedy] @mikefossey I'm imagining a press conference where they announce that Dr. Pepper is a woman and there's a huge boycott Published:7/15/2018 3:40:48 AM
[Comedy] instagram tax

When something is expensive because it is insta-worthy or aesthetically pleasing.

That corgi-shaped macaron is expensive because it's got instagram tax.

Published:7/15/2018 2:14:54 AM
[Comedy] pottermania

Fanaticism surrounding fictional characters and themes contained within a series of books written by J.K Rowling, namely "Harry Potter".

Pottermania prior to the release of the new Harry Potter book has reached fever pitch.

Published:7/14/2018 9:30:19 PM
[Comedy] big dick energy

confidence without cockiness. it is never misplaced and it cannot be simulated. it is the sexual equivalent of writing a check for $10k knowing you got it in the bank account.

pete davidson is 6’3 with dark circles, exudes big dick energy , looks evil but apparently is an angel, and loves his girl publicly.

Published:7/14/2018 1:58:32 AM
[Comedy] Solo ‘Black Widow’ project catches up to wave of female-led superhero films "Black Widow” finally has a director, but Captain Marvel and Wonder Woman are up next. Published:7/14/2018 1:58:32 AM
[Comedy] ‘Y: The Last Man’ TV adaptation finally gets a (stellar) cast Diane Lane and Barry Keoghan head up the main cast as the beloved comic finally nears an adaptation at FX. Published:7/12/2018 2:00:32 PM
[Comedy] How cartoons are skewering Trump’s tactics with NATO — and Putin Cartoons ask the question: Is Trump tougher on Merkel than Putin? Published:7/12/2018 7:50:17 AM
[Comedy] Transportainment

Buying a car, motorcycle or similar vehicle because you hope it will be more fun than your usual daily driver.

That 1962 Alfa Romeo is good for transportainment, but not so great for getting to work in the snow.

Published:7/12/2018 2:25:55 AM
[Comedy] ‘Ant-Man and the Wasp’ director likes life as Marvel’s humble superhero comedy If there is an underdog Marvel movie, Peyton Reed says, “I think it’s us." Published:7/11/2018 2:00:47 PM
[Comedy] @Lhlodder Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own. Published:7/11/2018 12:53:10 PM
[Comedy] Classic games, lovingly reimagined in ‘Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy’ The series, which has sold over 50 million copies over the years, makes you feel something more than a sense of wonder. Published:7/11/2018 12:53:09 PM
[Comedy] How cartoons are skewering Trump’s nomination of Brett Kavanaugh Some cartoonists view Trump's pick as a form of protection against any potential indictment. Published:7/11/2018 7:52:29 AM
[Comedy] Masturliker

A person who performs self gratification in a public forum or on social media by liking their own comments or posts.

John is a masturliker.

Published:7/11/2018 2:21:06 AM
[Comedy] Fans were mad that Batman and Catwoman’s wedding day surprise was ruined. But the story is still great. Are Batman and Catwoman better off after heartbreak? Published:7/10/2018 1:17:22 PM
[Comedy] ‘The Awesome Adventures of Captain Spirit’ is quick, free and worth a look It’s modest and a little flawed, like a gift given by a child to an adult. Published:7/10/2018 8:46:22 AM
[Comedy] ‘Peanuts’ and NASA are collaborating again — five decades after Snoopy’s moon mission The two are marking the 50th anniversary of their Apollo 10 campaign with a new range of projects. Published:7/10/2018 5:17:43 AM
[Comedy] Tweetplomacy

Noun. Using social media sites such as Twitter to manage foreign relations and conduct diplomatic discussions publicly.

The new President's tweetplomacy may be transparent domestically, but it could also ruffle feathers abroad.

Published:7/10/2018 4:13:22 AM
[Comedy] ‘Ant-Man and the Wasp’ helps Disney superheroes dominate the box office The "Ant-Man" sequel ($76 million) and "The Incredibles" sequel led Disney superheroes to a $100 million-plus weekend. Published:7/9/2018 8:08:05 AM
[Comedy] Cartoonists skewer the path to Trump’s nominating a new Supreme Court justice Trump says he has a final four shortlist of federal judges. So here is Comic Riffs's cartoon foursome of high satire. Published:7/9/2018 7:38:31 AM
[Comedy] Trumpian

malevolent and ill-advised

Your plan to slash her tires is really Trumpian.

Published:7/9/2018 2:13:02 AM
[Comedy] This is so sad Alexa play despacito

The sudden response to something sad happening. This sadness can go from mildly inconveniencing to a tragedy of some sort

“Hey man my phone just died”
“This is so sad Alexa play despacito”

Published:7/8/2018 2:31:29 AM
[Comedy] for reasons

Used as an explanation as to why you are requesting something when you don't want the people to know why. The more sinister your statement sounds in context, the better.

What is that cute girl's name on the left of the picture? I want to know for reasons...

Published:7/7/2018 2:24:06 AM
[Comedy] Neil Gaiman remembers ‘Spider-Man’ co-creator Steve Ditko, 90 — in person and on the page "Without Steve Ditko, there would have been none of the weird stuff,” said Gaiman, who fondly recalls the reclusive cartoonist. Published:7/7/2018 12:54:43 AM
[Comedy] How cartoons have skewered resigning EPA chief Scott Pruitt Pruitt's reported missteps included noncommercial flights and a Chick-fil-A deal, as well as one used mattress. Published:7/6/2018 9:20:02 AM
[Comedy] Despawned

To disappear from known existence.

“Where the fuck did alysha go?”
“Idk must’ve despawned”

Published:7/6/2018 2:20:23 AM
[Comedy] Break the Fart Wall

The point in a relationship where one first farts in front of the other

The honeymoon must be over, Tim felt comfortable enough to break the fart wall in bed, last night. This better not escalate to Dutch ovens any time soon..

Published:7/5/2018 2:18:52 AM
[Comedy] @aparnapkin I think it's unfair that crickets aren't allowed to enjoy standup comedy without being openly dismissed Published:7/4/2018 4:15:09 PM
[Comedy] Ta-Nehisi Coates writes a ‘Captain America’ filled with star-spangled doubt Is the Marvel Universe ready to trust Captain America again? Published:7/4/2018 8:07:48 AM
[Comedy] trumpcamp

A Trumpcamp is an unconstitutional internment camp created by then-standing president Donald Trump where undocumented immigrants are stripped from their families and abused. May also be called a Trump Camp.

Years from now Trumpcamps will be listed in the section next to the Trail of Tears, Japanese Internment, and Jim Crow laws. Hopefully next to the article on impeachment.

Published:7/4/2018 4:36:02 AM
[Comedy] ‘Donald Trump cost me my job’: Former Post-Gazette cartoonist explains why he thinks he was fired in new comic “The more I worked on it .?.?. ,” Pittsburgh cartoonist Rob Rogers told the Nib, “the more I realized there wasn't room for all the outrage and betrayal I wanted to squeeze in.” Published:7/3/2018 10:05:33 AM
[Comedy] @ThisLocalHater Please allow 5-10 business days for a clever reply Published:7/3/2018 9:06:56 AM
[Comedy] Fourth of July: How cartoonists celebrate the freedom to skewer our leaders Political artists aim their satiric fireworks, reminding that the right to critique the White House and Congress is still there. Published:7/3/2018 7:35:39 AM
[Comedy] jocking

to engage in flirtatious behavior with another; to crush on someone; to hit on someone

Brandon, constantly laughing, smiling, lightly touching and generally talking up a storm, was jocking Amanda.

Published:7/3/2018 4:31:16 AM
[Comedy] ‘Incredibles 2’ is poised to become the biggest animated movie ever Brad Bird's “Incredibles” sequel is on track to pass “Finding Dory” as box-office champ among animated features. Published:7/2/2018 7:59:43 AM
[Comedy] How cartoonists have responded to the Capital Gazette tragedy After the tragedy, pictures seek to convey what words cannot. Published:7/2/2018 6:54:56 AM
[Comedy] Deep Bro Talk

A serious talk between two close male friends, in which they talk about all the things going on in their life at the moment. Deep bro talks are sacred meetings, and all the things discussed during them cannot be told to anyone else without the other's consent.

Sam had a deep bro talk with David about his crush on Sammy.

bro real bro-talk talk friends meeting real talk

Published:7/2/2018 4:24:04 AM
[Comedy] Racial Capitalism

When a company profits on the image of minorities on its website to fake diversity, while paying lip service to building a more diverse company in the long run.

Using photoshopped images or stock photos on its website to make a company look as if it embraces a multiracial workforce is nothing but racial capitalism in action to mislead potential employees, shareholders, and the public.

Published:7/1/2018 2:17:16 AM
[Comedy] @barryjohnharper I'm rubbish at Schwarzenegger impressions. But I'll return... Published:6/30/2018 4:45:02 PM
[Comedy] eat the board

Eat every item on the menu at McDonalds

Friend:What do you want from maccas?
Me: Lets eat the board

Published:6/30/2018 2:40:49 AM
[Comedy] A new editor. A new home. But Mad magazine still takes sharp aim at Trump and Roseanne. First-year editor Bill Morrison wants to extend Mad magazine's reach to younger readers — without alienating older fans. Published:6/29/2018 2:48:29 PM
[Comedy] same difference

Another way of saying "whatever". It is often confused with "same thing", but you're really saying "OK, I admit that they're not the same thing, but they're not different enough for me to really care about it."

Often shortened to same diff.

"Same difference" and "same thing" are not the same thing, but hey, same difference.

Published:6/29/2018 2:36:12 AM
[Comedy] stomach sweats

when your stomach hurts so bad it starts sweating

i just got the stomach sweats because i ate 4 boiled eggs

Published:6/28/2018 2:28:45 AM
[Comedy] trumporrhoids

A pain in America's ass or a pain in the ass of someone with sense. An acute flare up can occur in response to Donald Trump's dumbassery expressed in the form of a demented tweet or rambling incoherent speech.

I have a bad case of Trumporrhoids... better get the Preparation H.

Published:6/27/2018 2:22:47 AM
[Comedy] Moms

A respectful term for a parent (maternal), the supplement to pops

"Chris clean yo got damn room mother fucker"-Mother

"Quit sweatin me moms!"-Chris

Published:6/26/2018 4:17:15 AM
[Comedy] Catto

Doggo, but for cats.

That is one cute catto you got there.

Published:6/25/2018 2:41:26 AM
[Comedy] wantaway

Used to describe a player in soccer who no longer wishes to play for his current club.

Nottingham Forest are in talks with Southampton over their wantaway defender.

Published:6/24/2018 4:35:12 AM
[Comedy] chronic

1) very high-quality weed, generally with red hairs on it.
2) pertaining to a long-lasting medical condition.

From smoking too much chronic, Joe ended up with a chronic case of the shaky-shivers.

Published:6/23/2018 4:30:35 AM
[Comedy] Trump Hotel

A converted mega box store used to house children in cages after they've been separated from their families.

Kids that cross the border are ripped from their parents' arms and sent to a Trump Hotel.

Published:6/22/2018 2:22:39 AM
[Comedy] @Maxine12333 You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live. Published:6/21/2018 4:49:56 PM
[Comedy] California Sober

To abstain from all drugs except marijuana and alcohol.

"No thanks," Jane said as Paul racked up lines of cocaine, "I'm California Sober this month."

Published:6/21/2018 3:16:15 AM
[Comedy] Business

A bad beating or ass whooping.

If that kid keeps talkin bout me ima give him tha business

*Bizness

Published:6/20/2018 4:41:08 AM
[Comedy] Airport Alcoholic

Someone who is impossible of spending more than 5 minutes in an airport without getting drunk. Often, used as an coping mechanism for flying anxiety.

Friend 1: I freak out every time I fly.
Friend 2: How are you going to handle that flight to Amsterdam?
Friend 1: I’m an airport alcoholic.

Friend 1: There is was a thunderstorm, so all flights were delayed for 2 hours.
Friend 2: Oh, fuck.
Friend 1: Yeah, everyone just became an airport alcoholic like me.

Published:6/19/2018 3:42:32 AM
[Comedy] stiff meds

Stiff Meds are taken to correct erectile dysfunction.
Also referred to as Stiff Meds or Hard Meds.

Stiff Meds include Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis.

Published:6/18/2018 4:13:17 AM
[Comedy] revulsion compulsion

The uncontrollable urge to view something disgusting when someone has told you you shouldn't.

Person 1: Oh god, don't click on this link, it's disgusting!

Person 2: I have revulsion compulsion :D *clicks anyway*

Published:6/17/2018 2:30:15 AM
[Comedy] @Henry_3000 I haven't made a deal with The Devil but I have entered into bilateral negotiations with my inner demons. Published:6/16/2018 6:58:19 PM
[Comedy] crime-storming

Producing an idea for an offense that may be punishable by law, by holding a spontaneous group discussion. A combination of the words crime and brainstorming. From Arrested Development, Season 5, Episode 7 ("Rom-Traum").

Maeby Fünke: Maybe I can just pretend like I have an illness where I forget everything.

George-Michael Bluth: Like Alzheimer's?
Maeby Fünke: That's a thing, too? I was just crime-storming. You know, just lying out loud. How funny.

Published:6/16/2018 2:23:41 AM
[Comedy] @joshgondelman If you're curious how I'm doing, I just Googled "most unhealthy restaurants, fastest delivery times." Published:6/15/2018 12:53:13 PM
[Comedy] I'm Dead

You died of laughter, aka something is that funny you laughed so hard you died.

"After she peed in a driveway, Lilly cleaned her legs with vodka."
"I'm dead."

Published:6/15/2018 2:20:53 AM
[Comedy] On God

A phrase used to describe something so honest you're swearing upon God's name.

I swear on God = On God

Guy: I swear people ask themselves questions on ask.fm
Girl: On God.

Published:6/14/2018 2:14:05 AM
[Comedy] @Cheeseboy22 I bought a really nice bag of trail mix. After my kids got a hold of it, I now have a really nice bag of raisins. Published:6/13/2018 9:14:00 PM
[Comedy] shitup

A common prank resulting in the victim attempting a blind-folded situp and encountering the perpetrator's ass at the apex of the situp.

Bart wanted to impress his friends with his ability to achieve at least one situp while resisting the force of a towel pinning his head to the ground by a buddy. Before he knew it, his nose was cheek deep in ass and he realized he had actually performed a shitup.

Published:6/13/2018 2:07:57 AM
[Comedy] rpp

Rich People Problems

My boss lives up in Greenwich and is freaking out over finding a new nanny. That is some serious RPP.

Published:6/12/2018 2:30:32 AM
[Comedy] taint team

when a prosecutor needs to get between a prick and an asshole.

In order to preserve evidence integrity, Mueller used a taint team to execute a warrant against Michael Cohen—bringing him one step closer to a courtroom.

Published:6/11/2018 2:55:41 AM
[Comedy] girl wood

Female arousal. The girl equivalent to morningwood guys experience upon waking.

OMG. After sexting with this super hot guy last night, I totally woke up with girl wood.

Published:6/10/2018 4:24:02 AM
[Comedy] Yesn't

A word that means no.

Ewan: Hey sign this petition to change the word no in the English language to yesn't.

You: yesn't u

Published:6/9/2018 2:12:33 AM
[Comedy] Bey-sexual

A person who is not sexually attracted to women, but would have sex with Beyoncé

Woman 1: “Are you attracted to women?”
Woman 2: “no, except Beyoncé”
Woman 1: “So, are your bisexual?”
Woman 2: “No, I’m BEY-SEXUAL”
Woman 2: *Proceeds to go through Bey’s instagram feed, listen to lemonade on repeat ,and curse Jay-Z

Published:6/8/2018 2:05:28 AM
[Comedy] Yay

n;
Slang for Cocaine, popular in California's Bay Area.

Syn;
blow,coke,snow.

I'm so strung out from all the yay last night

Published:6/7/2018 4:29:52 AM
[Comedy] And I get that but

When you aren’t really listening but you want to make it seem like you are.

Yeah, no and I get that but like...wait what

Published:6/6/2018 2:22:34 AM
[Comedy] narcissistick

A selfie stick

it seems like everyone these days has a narcissistick to take a selfie.

Published:6/5/2018 2:19:49 AM
[Comedy] Z-Locate

Mostly used by hackers, this word means to locate/collect data on someone using Facebook.

Okay, guys, let's Z-Locate his data.

Published:6/4/2018 2:40:35 AM
[Comedy] fb shitting

Scrolling through the Facebook newsfeed while sitting on the toilet

You have been in the bathroom for an extended period of time, quit fb shitting and come out.

Published:6/3/2018 2:03:38 AM
[Comedy] mammograph

A celebrity signature written on a female breast, usually with a "Sharpie" brand marker.

Julie got a mammograph from DJ Tom on her left boob last night.

Published:6/2/2018 4:28:20 AM
[Comedy] textrovert

1. One who feels an increased sense of bravery over texting, as opposed to in person.

2. One who will often only say what they really feel over text messages.

Kelly: "So how'd the conversation go with Bill last night?"

Wendy: "Ah he's such a textrovert. We didn't make any progress until I went home and he spilled his guts over texts."

Published:6/1/2018 2:21:00 AM
[Comedy] @jackiembouvier I've used 3 public toilets today. That's close enough to camping for me. Published:5/31/2018 7:22:55 PM
[Comedy] let me run a visa

When you are purchasing drugs on credit and not paying with cash

Hey fam let me run a visa for that eighth

Published:5/31/2018 2:15:44 AM
[Comedy] Put a G on it

Bet on it, put a grand on it

When she said no one uses one pen, he said "Put a G on it," confident that he would make some money.

Published:5/30/2018 2:08:55 AM
[Comedy] @junejuly12 Thousands of years of evolution, and yet we still have unwanted body hair, limp handshakes, and vaping. Published:5/29/2018 8:40:09 PM
[Comedy] The book off

The act of getting a book out on the train, tube bus or plane in order to avoid talking to the person next to you. Substitutes include a newspaper, phone or iPod.

Person one: "Blablabla isn't the weather terrible blablabla"
Person two: (gets book out thus giving Person one "The book off")
Person one stops talking.

Published:5/29/2018 4:33:58 AM
[Comedy] @ginadivittorio Isn’t it amazing how bears adapt to winter by hibernating, wolves adapt to summer by shedding, and white guys adapt to post grad life by getting button down shirts with tiny random objects and animals printed on them? Published:5/29/2018 12:33:32 AM
[Comedy] Shoulder Dancing

Rhythmic movement from only the shoulders up, including swaying, popping, and bouncing. Often done while seated.

She got so excited when her song came on that she started shoulder dancing.

Published:5/28/2018 4:57:48 AM
[Comedy] Manufactured Outrage

A falsified righteous outrage at things that are basically unimportant and meaningless, frequently employed by politicians, political activists, or the media. Politicians and talking heads use it to garner support for their causes, to claim the moral high ground and to tar their opponents; the media often just uses it in a cynical bid to increase ratings.

Manufactured outrages of note include Nipplegate, the Monica Lewinski scandal, the 2009 tea partys, backmasked satanic lyrics, lapel pin controversies...

Just about any time you hear any politician, activist, or radio show host getting outraged about anything, really. The louder and angrier they get, the harder they're working at manufacturing it.

Published:5/28/2018 4:28:55 AM
[Comedy] Trigger warning

Used to alert people when an internet post, book, article, picture, video, audio clip, or some other media could potentially cause extremely negative reactions (such as post-traumatic flashbacks or self-harm) due to its content. Sometimes abbreviated as "TW."

Trigger Warning for sexual violence

Published:5/27/2018 4:21:51 AM
[Comedy] forcememe

1. when someone who knows little about memes tries to use one in an attempt to sound cool.

OR

2. tries way too hard to make something into a meme.

Yo, my local church has a grumpy cat meme in one of the rooms trying to get people to go to confession. its such a forcememe.

Published:5/26/2018 2:14:58 AM
[Comedy] i got plugs

I have connections
I know people

I am somebodaay you feel meee

- Oh you work at Victoria's Secret can you hook a sistah up?

- I do not work there anymore...
- Oh crap!

- Don't worry gurrl, I got plugs, i'll hook you up

Published:5/25/2018 2:08:42 AM
[Comedy] Published:5/24/2018 10:04:04 AM
[Comedy] Glam Shaming

Glam shaming takes place when one person shames another for grooming, primping or spending extra time (most often in inappropriate places) adjusting or fixing their appearance.

Damn, Tiffani! Will you please stop brushing your hair and applying lip gloss during grandpa's memorial service!

Tiffani: Shut up! Stop glam shaming me!

Published:5/24/2018 2:33:43 AM
[Comedy] White People Shit

Also known as "WPS". Usually associated with extreme sports, activity with dangerous animals, or large acts of terrorism.

Tyrone: "What are you doing?"

Blake: "Prepping for this wingsuit course I'm going to take off the crest of Mount Everest. You should come!"

Tyrone: "Naw man. That's some white people shit.

Published:5/23/2018 2:24:50 AM
[Comedy] @jamdugg If Back to the Future taught me anything it’s that if you punch someone in the face, your life will drastically improve Published:5/22/2018 7:23:21 PM
[Comedy] Hitting Skins

Having sex. Comes from the Irish phrase for sex - "bualadh craiceann". The phrase "bualadh leathair" is also used, and literally means "hitting leather"

I was hitting skins with your mom last night.

Published:5/22/2018 2:19:48 AM
[Comedy] @AndrewNadeau0 If it only takes 10,000 hours to master a skill why am I still so bad at sleeping? Published:5/21/2018 4:50:47 PM
[Comedy] Trendetarian

A person that cuts a certain food out of their diet because of a trend

Jessica became a trendetarian because her favourite magazine told her gluten is bad.

Published:5/21/2018 4:50:46 PM
[Comedy] @JimmyBauer The main difference between a nudist and a streaker is speed. Published:5/21/2018 1:25:50 AM
[Comedy] Pun Fucker

A complete imbecile who devotes their time to telling awful puns to peers around them, only to piss everyone off to feed from their reactions like a parasite.

Billy: Knock knock!
Jeff: Ughh... Who's there, Billy...
Billy: Car!
Jeff: Oh for god's sake, car who?
Billy: I know you don't "car" for my jokes!
Jeff: Billy, I hate you so much you goddamn pun fucker...

Published:5/21/2018 1:25:49 AM
[Comedy] rat status

(adjective): a state of being where a person is so gross that they are comparable to a rat living in the sewer

Kelsey: "Dude, my boyfriend wouldn't get out of bed so then I farted on him"

Liz: "Dude, that's so rat status"

sad handjob blumpkin never no talahassee gas mask GROGAN cum dumpster rat rodent sewer rat sewer drainer

Published:5/19/2018 2:30:19 AM
[Comedy] Romancing the Bone

A euphemism for masturbation.

I'm so embarrassed, I just caught Bob romancing the bone in the shitter.

Published:5/18/2018 2:25:15 AM
[Comedy] Let Your Nuts Hang

A phrase coined by popular rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine,which made the term mainstream. The term means to flex show you're the best, be yourself , and keep it real. The phrase can also be said as let your nuts drag.

All my niggas really gang bang, talk that damn slang, rap about it, do the same thing, let your nuts hang.
Talk your shit, let your nuts drag, nigga.

Published:5/17/2018 2:26:27 AM
[Comedy] @junejuly12 *drinks a bottle of smartwater* And now we wait... Published:5/16/2018 2:45:29 PM
[Comedy] @matny I don't think I will bother going to Vegas. I have spoken to lots of people who have been there and they all say nothing happened Published:5/16/2018 12:14:38 PM
[Comedy] wook

Short for wookie. Plural: wooks. The dirty, vagranty variety of hippy. Almost always unemployed, following around jambands or festivals, and ripping people off. Known more for their tactics than their beliefs (unlike the more respectable hippy).

That wook over there has been "borrowing" my veggie burgers all weekend.

Published:5/16/2018 2:13:40 AM
[Comedy] Doucette

A word used to describe the act of shitting by a female.

Yo, don't go in there for about fifteen minutes. Some bitch just dropped a nasty doucette in the shitter.

Published:5/15/2018 2:06:17 AM
[Comedy] @DominicCaruso1 In case facebook has not already informed you: I am interested in an event near you tomorrow. Published:5/14/2018 5:04:59 PM
[Comedy] Out Assholed

Showing a higher magnitude or degree of being the asshole in a situation.

Each woman who destroys her life by succumbing to this meaningless bullying is nothing but a moronic asshole herself, only out assholed by the backward, cowardly men who get off on making them do this.

Published:5/14/2018 2:29:35 AM
[Comedy] E-bailing

Using email or text message to cancel or change some commitments; instead of calling or in person.

I WAS E-BAILING ON PEOPLE ALL DAY BECAUSE I HAD PROMISED TO MEET THEM FOR INTERVIEWS.

Published:5/13/2018 2:24:58 AM
[Comedy] Dump O' Clock

A time (preferably during work hours) when one uses the bathroom to drop their load (or just look up memes on the internet).

Kami: "Chris has gone missing!"
Tim: "It must be Dump O' Clock."

Published:5/12/2018 2:16:37 AM
[Comedy] @BoomBoomBetty Sometimes I just can’t believe I am an adult with normal things like a mortgage, a job, and an overwhelming desire to drive off a cliff. Published:5/11/2018 6:46:11 PM
[Comedy] hypoavocademia

Low avocado presence in blood. Occurs mostly within the white population of California, and various other hipster paradises. Side effects include; anger, crankiness, a general sense of anxiety, and starvation.

"Ay Jeremy, that girl o'er there? Look's like she got Hypoavocademia, watch out!"

Published:5/11/2018 2:43:44 AM
[Comedy] @zebrasyndicate SOMEtimes I make a joke at my wife's expense, but hONEstly she is a very patient, smart, funny and HELPful woman and I am very lucky to have her in my life. She makes ME a better man Published:5/10/2018 3:40:51 PM
[Comedy] read for filth

To 'read' is to harshly critiqued/insult someone with your quick wit. To 'read for filth' is to really lay into someone and verbally (and often humorously), tear them apart.

I don't just read a bitch...I read for filth.

Published:5/10/2018 2:06:41 AM
[Comedy] Back Bush

The patch of hair on a man's lower back by his belt line.

Hey dude, you might want to think about shaving that back bush it's growing wild and mangy out of them jeans.

Published:5/9/2018 2:31:17 AM
[Comedy] What a Chad

A phrase describing a stereotypical young urban white male, typically single and in his 20s. This phrase is usually used to denote stereotypical "Chad" behavior which is ususally derogatory.

Guy 1: "I just saw this dude pump out 100 push ups, then shotgun a beer."

Guy 2: "What a Chad."

Published:5/8/2018 7:28:29 PM
[Comedy] caught slippin

to be caught off guard, in a very bad way.

that bitch in the lexus got caught slippin.

that fool from 387th street got caught slippin last night and was blasted.

Published:5/8/2018 12:14:24 AM
[Comedy] Change of pastry

Being tired of the same bakery.

Finn stopped at the Black Currant Bakehouse everyday for their delicious cinnamon rolls.He was shocked that he was tiring of them and decided he needed a change of pastry.

Published:5/6/2018 2:44:04 AM
[Comedy] @ficklenuts Your new password must include: a letter, a number, the coordinates for where you lost your virginity, two pieces of garlic bread, the name of your first uncle’s third dog, a color ending in r, your mom’s banana bread recipe and a self-addressed stam Published:5/5/2018 10:09:16 AM
[Comedy] Alexa’ed

Commanding a person like you would command an amazon Alexa;

Kid1:Mom,STOP!
And mom did stop talking.
Kid2:”Wow mom, he just alexa’ed you!”

Published:5/5/2018 2:35:22 AM
[Comedy] fantasy cheering

Rooting for a football player you would normally root against because the player is on your fantasy football team.

As the home team was losing, the crowd became frustrated with John's fantasy cheering for the opposing quarterback.

Published:5/4/2018 4:01:39 AM
[Comedy] @AmishPornStar1 It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love. Published:5/3/2018 5:28:24 PM
[Comedy] tfti

an acronym for Thanks For The Invite, usually used when a bunch of your buddies go out and they dont think to invite you

Joe: Man that party we all went to was crazy as hell
John: tfti assholes

Published:5/3/2018 2:22:32 AM
[Comedy] helicopper

police helicopter

here comes the helicopper, I'm outta here.

Published:5/2/2018 6:49:02 AM
[Comedy] @Stellacopter Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose. Published:5/1/2018 3:56:55 PM
[Comedy] Stable Genius

Knowing a whole lot about horse shit.

President Trump claims he’s a “Stable Genius “. Believe me, he can throw down some horse shit.

Published:5/1/2018 3:56:54 PM
[Comedy] passing crush

an excuse that someone uses when they are trying to cover up the fact that they have an actual crush on someone

I don’t really like Bob, I just think he’s cute, funny and smart! Don’t worry it’s just a passing crush

Published:4/30/2018 2:29:45 AM
[Comedy] OTTNO

"On To The Next One"

as seen in the Jay-Z song "On To The Next One" feat Swiss Beats.

Means if chick dont work out just move on to the next one.

Guy1: Son that chick aint feeling me dawg.

Guy2: Fuck that broad !

Guy1: Word Up. OTTNO

Published:4/29/2018 2:22:54 AM
[Comedy] darkout

a person acieves the status of darkout when they refuse to go out on an evening when all theyre friends are going out and they have no real excuse

don't be a darkout


Tom is such a fucking darkout since he discovered masturbation

Published:4/28/2018 2:19:02 AM
[Comedy] pass a bill through Congress

to take a sh*t, a dump, etc.

"I'll be right back, after I pass this bill through Congress".

Published:4/27/2018 2:10:18 AM
[Comedy] Gundamentalism

The worship of guns; a modern religion based on buying, owning, carrying and shooting large numbers of firearms in situations where they are not really necessary.

Gundamentalism promises to free you from the meaninglessness of everyday life by letting you stroke long hard objects and make loud noises while fantasizing about killing your enemies.

Published:4/26/2018 2:33:18 AM
[Comedy] @KarateDonuts Some of my best friends are songs. Published:4/25/2018 9:33:25 PM
[Comedy] nr = nt

no reply = no thanks

/me trading legit windforce clean no socket, no noob offers
nr = nt /m *Pepsi_Corp

Published:4/25/2018 2:27:41 AM
[Comedy] @tracietom My 17 y.o. told me he wanted to be treated like an adult so I told him to take a couple of his fingers and clean the food out of the drain in the kitchen sink and he decided that being an adult was stupid and went off to play video games. Published:4/24/2018 12:22:42 PM
[Comedy] @TweetPotato314 How come the employer doesn’t have to wash their hands? Published:4/24/2018 11:55:45 AM
[Comedy] Nend Sudes

Nend Sudes is A way of saying Send Nudes But The First letters are interchanged

Send Nudes
Nend Sudes

Nend Sudes
K
(receives nudes)

Published:4/24/2018 2:19:49 AM
[Comedy] bruv

A word used by mainly South Londoners. It's the shorter version of 'bruvva' which is a slang variation of 'brother'

Ez mate. You alright, bruv?

Published:4/23/2018 2:17:18 AM
[Comedy] gang gang

A term when you and your gang chillin

You already know, squad yells, Gang Gang, we in this bitch

Published:4/22/2018 2:08:27 AM
[Comedy] Schlumped

When someone is so fucked up from a variety of drugs that they become immobile or it becomes extremely difficult to move.

Yo that nigga schlumped off the oxys and that Killa kush bro.

Published:4/21/2018 2:31:54 AM
[Comedy] politick

poli-tick: Noun - A person that enters a political career for personal gain at the expense of everyone else. A parasite on the political system that causes no good.

That tool in the white house is a typical politick, lining his pockets with the cash and tax credits.

Published:4/20/2018 2:56:49 AM
[Comedy] bar out

to take a Xanax pill. Xanax is often referred to as a bar.

"Hey Rich, wanna bar out?"
"Yeah man, lets get f*cked up tonight!"

Published:4/19/2018 2:23:39 AM
[Comedy] @FeverFlave I should stop writing tweets when stopped at a traffic light but damn if they don't pop into your head when you're trying to nap. Published:4/18/2018 3:00:41 PM
[Comedy] geeked up

Being high on blow, ice or any other amphetamine.

"I'm geeked up and I cant see and all the walls keep lookin at me

I tell myself theres nothin wrong but I cant stop grittin my teeth

I cant eat I cant sleep I just geek I just geek"

Published:4/18/2018 2:27:20 AM
[Comedy] @eddytheaxe shoot for the moon, at least if you miss theres a chance youll hit the stars, take out an entire solar system lightyears away Published:4/17/2018 8:52:55 AM
[Comedy] pro boner

work completed with sexual favors given in recompense

The cases taken up by the Hipster Defense League over the past several years have been mainly pro boner work.

Published:4/17/2018 2:19:45 AM
[Comedy] Golden Donald

It's what they call a golden shower in Russia.

When I asked the hooker to piss on me she said it would be $50 extra for a Golden Donald.

Published:4/16/2018 2:14:53 AM
[Comedy] Clout chaser

A person that only hangs with certain people or starts beef with people to gain popularity

Don't mess with him, he a clout chaser"

Published:4/15/2018 2:07:12 AM
[Comedy] @1followernodad Is it difficult to decide who in your Coachella pictures is going to flash the peace sign or does it just happen naturally Published:4/14/2018 7:36:33 PM
[Comedy] robocoitus

Simultaneous masturbation while utilizing a video chat application. Also referred to as Skype sex

I won't see her for a month. It's a good thing she's comfortable with robocoitus.

Published:4/14/2018 4:23:28 AM
[Comedy] Just wondering

Said to cover up someone's true intentions about a question they just asked; trying to appear nonchalant. Could also mean that it's about to go down.

Justin: "Yo, Brad, how old's your sister?"
Brad: "She's 16, what's it to you, perv?"
Justin: "Dang, man, I was just wondering..."

Published:4/12/2018 2:37:50 AM
[Comedy] @DivinaDeeMe Kale? No thanks. I'll stick to my steak and cupcakes. They help me fill out the wrinkles, so I look younger than I really am. Published:4/11/2018 7:01:49 PM
[Comedy] @NOTVIKING one day soon the sun will explode and completely swallow the earth, completely incinerating all life and leaving nothing except for death and ash, and the olive garden waiter will still legally have to bring me more breadsticks since they’re supposed Published:4/11/2018 6:30:40 PM
[Comedy] @sixfootcandy My husband just scratched his balls with the tv remote. You single ladies don't know what you're missing. Published:4/11/2018 3:28:25 PM
[Comedy] resting moron face

A person, man or woman, whose usual facial expression makes them appear foolish and lacking common sense or intelligence.

Robert isn't as stupid as he appears., he just suffers from resting moron face.

Published:4/11/2018 2:56:39 AM
[Comedy] DO NOT CONGRATULATE

What is said to someone when not to do something, but it is done anyway

I told You, DO NOT CONGRATULATE that idiot

Published:4/10/2018 2:20:37 AM
[Comedy] Dick-wap

the act of slapping someone in the face with a penis-like object

Friend: Dude, whats that mark on your face?
Dude: Oh yeah, i got dick-wapped last night

Published:4/9/2018 4:16:12 AM
[Comedy] Trumpflation

Inflation caused by the ill-advised and uninformed monetary policies and tariffs imposed by Donald Trump.

I can't afford to buy groceries or gasoline because of Trumpflation.

Published:4/8/2018 5:13:11 AM
[Comedy] @Chumpstring [watching porn for the first time] whoa whoa whoa this is none of my business Published:4/7/2018 3:54:10 AM
[Comedy] pPOTUS

penis of the President of the United States

A spectacularly endowed retired pornographic actress may possess pics of pPOTUS.

Published:4/6/2018 2:57:21 AM
[Comedy] dooshkabob

A dooshbag with multiple different dooshbag qualities stacked together like a shishkabob

Larry: “Look at that guy with the stunna shades, popped collar and flat billed ball cap covering his man bun. Looks like he’s headed into Starbucks to find a safe space.”
Joe: “What a mega dooshkabob! So sad... let’s go get a shot and a beer to ward off any of his dooshness rubbing off on us!”

Published:4/5/2018 2:26:15 AM
[Comedy] @SkjUlf HOT single WOMEN in YOUR area want you to MOVE to another area. Published:4/4/2018 6:17:35 PM
[Comedy] I'll add it to my list

What you say to someone when they suggest you watch a certain show or movie.

Sometimes you mean it. More often than not you have no interest in what they've recommended, and are just saying you'll watch it one day to politely placate them.

"Oh dude, you have to watch The Expanse. It's this really cool sci-fi series."
"I'll add it to my list."

Published:4/4/2018 2:44:32 AM
[Comedy] Pretendonitis

A made up injury to get out of doing something

Jayce didn’t feel like practicing soccer so he told the coach he had pretendonitis

Published:4/3/2018 2:06:50 AM
[Comedy] Where the lie tho?

When someone says something accurate or the truth that cannot be denied.

"This place looks like a bull has stormed through it"
"Where the lie tho?"

"That guy looks like Obama"
"Where the lie tho?"

"They sing like a frog in blender"
"Where the lie tho?"

Published:4/2/2018 2:32:25 AM
[Comedy] April Fools

A time for people to be assholes and get away with it

April Fools!

Published:4/1/2018 2:24:24 AM
[Comedy] Smackdonald's

A fast food restaurant where drugs are routinely consumed or sold.

I don't want to eat there: it's a smackdonald's.

Published:3/31/2018 2:22:53 AM
[Comedy] @DOGGEAUX being born in 2000 counts as privilege because you’ll be 69 in 2069 and 420 in 2420 if the earth hasn’t been reduced to an atomic wasteland by then Published:3/30/2018 8:00:42 PM
[Comedy] one worded

Talking to someone who reply’s with one word or very short answers with no care.

Moey: “yo bro have you seen the new tns in footlocker, they released them today!”
Ali: “no”
Moey: “brooooo there sooooo niceeee”
Ali: “yeah”

Moey: “damn man why you so one worded?”
Ali: “lmao I’m not”

Published:3/30/2018 2:29:40 AM
[Comedy] pouring the milk first

the right way to do it, if you put cereal first you're wrong because society brainwashed you to think that.

mother: are you going to make your breakfast?
child: yeah, and i'm gonna put the cereal first-
mother: *already as dialled 911 and the military force*
mother: the police are on their way due to you not knowing that pouring the milk first is the right way and will guide you to enlightment

Published:3/29/2018 2:01:08 AM
[Comedy] @kathybotteas I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate. Published:3/28/2018 3:53:46 PM
[Comedy] Itchy thirty feet

The sudden urge to settle down at the age of thirty.

Jason: ‘I’ve just turned 30, I need to go on the show Married at First Sight’’
Andy: ‘Nah mate, you just have itchy thirty feet’.

Published:3/28/2018 2:48:05 AM
[Comedy] White Walling

To delete many or even all past facebook posts in an effort to maintain a reasonable reputation

Jason: Yo you really think they're gonna hire you if they see your facebook page?
Jim: They wont find anything, I'm white walling that shit right now

Published:3/27/2018 2:25:09 AM
[Comedy] Dirty Delete

Used primarily in Facebook groups. Dirty delete is when someone makes a post and later decides to delete it, usually because no one is agreeing with the post.

Everyone knew Karen would dirty delete her post stating "vaccines aren't necessary", as soon as it was posted. Whenever everyone started calling her a potato for her unpopular opinion, Karen got butthurt and dirty deleted the post.

Published:3/26/2018 2:20:33 AM
[Comedy] @blade_funner Don't go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back. Published:3/25/2018 9:54:38 PM
[Comedy] @isabelzawtun It doesn't legally count as a proposal unless there is 1 hot air balloon involved. If there are 3 hot air balloons this is called a "king's proposal" & if the other party says no they will be banished. 10 hot air balloons means everyone in the vi Published:3/25/2018 2:52:33 PM
[Comedy] Preemptive unfriending

When one deletes a friend from Facebook because he or she knows that the Facebook friend in question would eventually delete them instead. Preemptive unfriending thus robs the deleted Facebook friend of the joy of being able to delete them.

John: Why'd you delete Bec from you friend list?
Adam: I knew she'd eventually delete me so I wanted to take the satisfaction of unfriending for myself.
John: Ah, a preemptive unfriending.

Published:3/25/2018 2:27:25 AM
[Comedy] facebort

to delete or deactivate your facebook account

I was being tagged in too many inappropriate photos and had to facebort.

Published:3/24/2018 2:42:15 AM
[Comedy] memely educated

this means that you are educated in the way of the meme

cuz meme is de wae

"dude is not spelled like dood"

" well if you were memely educated, you would know that their are two ways to spell it. the meme way and the regular way, you uncultured swine."

Published:3/23/2018 6:03:18 AM
[Comedy] REMF

Rear Echelon Mother Fucker. One who has no frontline or combat experience, and therefore makes huge errors at expense of human life.

The REMF's decisions make sense only if you think of human beings as statistics. This is the main problem with REMFs- they think of people as numbers.

Shit! That REMF canceled the supply drop! We're on our own for this one!

Published:3/22/2018 4:54:45 PM
[Comedy] @HansGrubertron What if you have tons of ideas but also your ideas are terrible and deserve to be taken away by the gentlest of breezes? – Inventor of Post-It Notes Published:3/22/2018 2:27:16 AM
[Comedy] Trumpillion

A term that denotes a huge number that is much less than its actual value, because someone wants to sound wealthier than he is, and to gain more respect from others.

Donald claimed to be a billion-dollar man, but most business folks think that he’s merely a trumpillion-dollar fellow, whose name can’t even be spotted on the first twenty pages of the Forbes’ billionaires list.

Published:3/21/2018 2:49:00 AM
[Comedy] wrong opinion

When someones opinion differs from yours.

John: "I like red better."
Timmy: "You have a wrong opinion."

Published:3/20/2018 2:57:06 AM
[Comedy] keeping me on read

When you view a text message and don't respond. Keeping the sender in "read" status without a reply.

Why are you keeping me on read? You read my message over two hours ago!

Published:3/19/2018 2:45:03 AM
[Comedy] @squirrel74wkgn I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch. Published:3/18/2018 2:12:40 PM
[Comedy] generationalize

To generalize against a generation.

Don't generationalize, not all millennials are entitled, spoiled children.

Published:3/18/2018 2:47:19 AM
[Comedy] @Sarcasticsapien The people at this bar are being extremely annoying so I put forty dollars in the jukebox and alternated between Nickelback and Christmas songs and then just left. Published:3/17/2018 6:32:41 PM
[Comedy] St. Patrick's Day Eve

Drinking the night before St. Patrick's Day.

Erika, unable to wait for St. Patrick's Day, spent St. Patrick's Day Eve downing shots and drinking beer at the local Irish Pub.

Published:3/17/2018 2:00:19 AM
[Comedy] @Poutymcgee *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog? Published:3/16/2018 12:03:52 PM
[Comedy] lamzy

A word describing anyone who is the combination of lame and lazy pronounced lame-zee

Phil: Rita didn't go to Washington D.C. because she didn't want to pack her bag and do her laundry.
Dan: Man that is so lamzy!

Published:3/16/2018 3:14:07 AM
[Comedy] @ClichedOut questions about the job? me: how do u get suspended with pay Published:3/15/2018 5:30:45 PM
[Comedy] Momarazzi

A gaggle of moms with expensive smartphones taking photos of their kids team or activity.

Before the team could leave the field the momarazzi wanted one last team photo for their Facebook pages

Published:3/15/2018 3:11:53 AM
[Comedy] Congress

Where lobbyists go to buy their laws.

Big Corporation: Hmm this toxic waste dumping regulation seems to be affecting our business.

Lobbyist: No problem I'll just pop down to Congress and buy a new one.

Published:3/14/2018 2:32:37 AM
[Comedy] ignoresation

1) The fine art of having a conversation with someone you would like to ignore.

2) Ignoring someone who is trying to have a conversation with you.

I had a painfully awkward ignoresation with that girl from last night when I ran in to her at the store today.

Published:3/13/2018 2:50:30 AM
[Comedy] dream grudge

Carrying a grudge toward a person after waking up from a dream where they did something bad or mean to you.

When my boss asked me why I snapped at him this morning I had to apologize and tell him I was still holding a dream grudge against him for firing me in my dream last night.

Published:3/12/2018 2:25:12 AM
[Comedy] Get two birds stoned and kill them

When a shortcut fails badly.

Instead of killing two birds with one stone, Joe tried to get two birds stoned and kill them.

Published:3/11/2018 3:25:28 AM
[Comedy] @Darlainky Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen. Published:3/10/2018 7:37:33 PM
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